The Bipolar Relationship

My husband never reads books. I'm not kidding. In the 5 years we've been married, I've never seen him pick up a book. Well, not until recently that is. One of you people read about my relationship struggles on my blog, and suggested a book called "The Bipolar Relationship: How to Understand, Help, and Love your Partner." I ordered it right away and showed my husband the book, but figured he'd never read it. Maybe I would. To my great surprise, he did start reading the book. I looked through it and he even starred pages and underlined parts. He's going beyond reading, and he's learning the book, like a textbook. This man is dedicated to me!

Here's the thing about being bipolar, well, one thing anyway. I get in a depressed mood, and then I feel like a burden to my family because they have to take care of me when I'm like that, and then I get more depressed, and then I want my dad because he always made me feel secure, and then I get more depressed because he's been dead for 9 years, and so on, and so forth. It is a vicious cycle.

So last night, my husband said something very innocently that sent me reeling into depression. There was nothing wrong with what he said, but it triggered me to think of other depressing things, then my son saw I was sad and started crying and saying he was sad which made me feel like a terrible parent who is scarring him for life. I got it together enough for us to put him to bed and read him a bedtime story, then I came out in the living room and fell apart. I broke down and started crying, and I just wanted to go to bed, hide under the covers and cry for all eternity which is basically what I used to do during depressive episodes. I would go on that way for days.

Something different happened last night though. Instead of just getting frustrated, and making me feel even worse about falling into a deep depression about absolutely nothing, my husband reassured me that I'm a great person. A person worth loving. A great mother and a great human being. He told me how lucky he feels to have me as his wife. I was still upset, but listening. Then  "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol came on the radio and he said to me "this is a good song." So I looked it up on YouTube, and we listened to it and started singing it. Music has always been very cathartic for me. This song helped me feel a little better. Especially the lyrics: "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world." And it made me think of our relationship, and how we are really supposed to be allies against the world instead of enemies. I started forgetting about all the shit, and just living in the moment, loving each other. We started finding all sorts of love songs that described our love and our relationship, and though it felt silly, and sappy, we stepped out onto the porch, and sang to each other under the stars. Before I knew it, we were giggling, and smiling, and holding each other like we were falling in love for the first time. So I got really cheesy, and sappy, and played "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden. This is so not the kind of music we listen to, but for the moment, it was perfect, standing outside looking up at the stars, holding each other, singing along and giggling like school girls. It still makes me smile thinking about it. The lyrics just fit perfectly with the way we were feeling. "I want to stand with you on a mountain. I want to bathe with you in the sea. I want to lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me."

Just then, and I'm not making this up, my husband saw a shooting star. I asked him if he made a wish on it. He said yes. I asked him what he wished for, and he replied that if he told me, it wouldn't come true, but he looked into my eyes and smiled, and I knew what he was thinking. And I was wishing for the same thing. It turned out to be a perfect night even though it started out terribly. I told him "Wow, just like that I went from terribly depressed to optimistically hopeful. That has never happened before." And in that moment, I knew I'm right where I should be after all.

Thank you all for reading and supporting me on this roller-coaster journey through this thing we call life :)