Protect Our Love

Very recently I have found the upside to falling out of love with my husband.

I fell out of love with him last Fall. We got in some really bad fights that left me scared of him. I was also scared of what he might do to himself. During a couple of these really bad fights, he would say he was going to kill himself, and run out of the house with a loaded handgun. I didn't go after him because, well, would you go after a very angry, very upset person who had a loaded handgun? So I would wait, not knowing if he would come back in, or if I would hear a gunshot and have to go outside to discover his dead body.

Around this time, I decided to divorce him. I couldn't put myself in harms way any more. But I couldn't tell him because I had tried that, and he would scream at me to get out of his house immediately until I apologized and said I really wanted to stay. I had to come up with a plan to leave in a way that I could pack up what I needed, pack up what our boy needed, and already have a place to move into. So I hired a divorce lawyer. I paid him in advance for the whole divorce. He advised me to find a place to live first, then have divorce papers, and a restraining order served to him at the same time, after I was safely gone with our son. So I started looking for a place to live, and decided that when my husband went on his annual elk hunting trip with the guys in October, I would pack up and leave. I only told my mother and my best girlfriend of my plan... oh, and the boyfriend I already had on facebook. My bad. No, I didn't send him nude pics, or have phone sex with him or anything like that, but I did tell him I loved him and that I wanted to be with him.

I made two mistakes with my plan. The first was already having a boyfriend lined up, the second was telling my best friend. See, my husband was born and raised in a small town where I moved right before my freshman year of high school. My friend still lived in said town, and it was the kind of place where everyone knows everyone, which also means everyone knows everyone's business. I thought I could trust my friend, but she married into the biggest gossip family in town. She told her husband, who told his brother, who used to be my favorite drunken fuck buddy. So my friend's husband's brother called my husband and told him I was leaving him because they all "thought he deserved to know." I've never forgiven my friend. Things could have gone much worse than they did at that point, and I could be dead.

Anyway, around the same time my husband got this phone call, he also read my facebook messages and discovered this facebook boyfriend I had. Needless to say, he was no longer planning on going elk hunting. We talked, and yelled, and cried, and I ended up staying. I wanted to make it work, but I was still scared of him.

For Christmas, I ordered myself a "Protection Amulet" from Leah in Leucadia.

What is a "Protection Amulet?" you ask? Well, click here to read about them.

I ordered one that read "Protect Our Love."

I know, I know, it probably doesn't have any magical or spiritual powers, but I hung it on my bedside lamp as a reminder that there was a time in the past that my husband and I shared a special love. It was a love that left me crying tears of joy on our wedding day.

So we had love to fight for. We also had a family to fight for.

And you know what they say, nothing worthwhile comes easily, so we began to repair what seemed irreparably broken. It's been a tough road, and I had one foot out the door for a long time. I never really believed we'd  ever have that love back.

Just recently though, I have found the upside to falling out of love with my husband. The upside is this: Falling in love all over again. Lately we have been doing just this. He has been leaving me notes in the morning when he goes to work telling me how much he loves me, and how important I am to him. I have been sending him text messages when he is at work telling him how much I miss him. Then yesterday, he left these along with his note:

He knows earrings are my favorite kind of jewelry. I don't generally wear necklaces. He said these were small enough to wear as everyday earrings, and they have hearts on them symbolizing our love. They also happen to be beautiful. I love them.

Lately we have been doing things differently. Instead of sitting on opposite sides of the couch while watching TV, we sit next to each other and cuddle. Instead of barely speaking to each other, we talk and joke and laugh together. Now I don't like to kiss and tell so I will just say that last night we also really reconnected in a physical way. It made me wonder, and I asked my husband, "why did we start forgetting to love each other?" It's a valid question, because we are very much in love again, and it seems so natural now. I joked last night that it feels like we're newlyweds again.

I am happy. My husband is happy, and it seems like all is right in the world again. It seems after all this time, something did, in fact, "protect our love."

Thanks for reading, and check out Leah in Leucadia if you are in need of some kind of protection.

Peace and love to all today!