Back to the Dark Ages

My computer used to basically be an extension of my body. I was using it all day every day, and when i had to leave it at home, well, I was on my iPhone all the time. I was addicted to social networking. Now I'm not judging anybody. Had my life gone in a different direction, I would probably still be doing the same thing. For me though, I was spending all of my time on the internet for all the wrong reasons, and I was taking it too far.

Twitter, Favstar, Facebook, and Google+ became my entire life. The only problem was that I already had a life to live without them. I had a home to take care of, a son to raise, a husband to communicate with. I admit, I let all of these things slip away while I was living a fantasy life on the computer. When I left my husband and filed for divorce and custody of our son became an issue, I was faced with some things I really didn't want to hear. His family started talking about how I wasn't fit to raise our son because I neglected him, a word I still don't agree with. They talked about my poor housekeeping, and how I spent my days on the computer while my 4 year old son ran around in his pajamas all day while playing by himself, and feeding himself. So through their eyes, my son basically took care of himself in a messy house because I couldn't pull myself away from my computer. Now that's a bit exaggerated, but I hate to admit, basically true.

I thought back to the days when I was an excellent mother. My life was focused on my child. By the time he was 2 years old, he was still barely speaking, and behind on consonant sounds he should have been making. Everyone told me it was no big deal, that he would talk when he was ready, but I was with him the most and I felt like there was a developmental problem. So I took it upon myself to take him to the Child Development Center and have him evaluated for his delayed speech twice. After his second evaluation, he was accepted into a program for developmentally delayed children. I started taking him to see a speech therapist every week, and had a family support specialist meet with me every other week, usually in our home. Back then, I kept my house clean, I worked with my child on learning activities. I noticed when his speech wasn't developing normally and I was proactive enough to take care of it. I was a great mother.

So these allegations that I wasn't a great mother hurt, but they made me realize that they were pretty much true. I hadn't been giving my wonderful little boy the life he deserved, the life I used to give him. Yes, I can blame a lot of it on my failing relationship with my husband and my massive depression, but ultimately I was the one who chose the internet over quality time with my child, and time for chores to keep him in a healthy, happy environment. I was failing him.

I no longer have a Facebook account or a twitter account. I keep Google+ to share my blog, though I've been doing much less blogging lately too. I have been spending my time living in real life. I have been taking an interest in my son's life, teaching him, disciplining him, and keeping him on somewhat of a routine. Instead of snacking all day, he eats meals. When he misbehaves, instead of yelling at him, he gets a time out. I have been keeping the house clean and working on organizing it further, room by room. I feel good. I feel like a great mother again.

Sure, it feels weird not to have  somewhere on the internet to report everything I do, somewhere to share my photos and my life, but for the most part I don't miss it. days go by where I don't even pick up my computer. And I'm okay with that.