Weight a Minute

I've always been obsessed with my weight. My body. So I'm not sure how this has happened. I'm fat. I mean I have fat on my body which I am not used to, and I don't like it. I went from eating maybe 500 calories a day to thousands. I haven't even been keeping track.

I'm supposedly in the healthy weight range now, whereas I was always underweight before. I'm afraid to step on the scale, but I'm guessing I have hit 120lbs. Much heavier than my goal weight of 100lbs. The thing I can't understand is how I gained the weight so fast. A few weeks ago I was down to 105lbs and my favorite 24 inch waist jeans finally fit. I looked good. I had a flat tummy and a tiny waist. My thighs didn't rub together when I walked. In fact, when my knees touched, my thighs didn't.

I no longer could pull off looking like a bikini model. Jeans don't seem to fit right anymore. I'm not used to being so huge. I feel like a whale, yet I am still smaller than most women. Carrying around this extra weight makes me feel depressed and sluggish. It has ruined my confidence and self-esteem. I know what I need to do to fix it. I need to watch what I eat and get some exercise. I used to exercise every day and now I sit on the couch eating candy and wishing I wasn't so fat.

I don't need to be skeleton skinny again, but I would like to at least get back to an athletic body instead of just having fat piled on me. I hate winter because I hate going outside in the cold, so I sit around inside eating. I never used to even care for eating. I remember the days where I had to choke down some applesauce just so I didn't pass out from not eating all day. I never liked food. Now suddenly it is just about all I think about. I'm guessing it is tied to depression, but I've never had this problem before even when I've been depressed.

I've tried to embrace this new physique and not stress about it or obsess about it. Actually without clothes on I look pretty sexy like this. Curvy like a woman should be, but my clothes are tight on me and they cut into my fat making me feel huge and embarrassed. Though I'm sure people don't look at me and think I'm at all fat. It is all in my head. It is all me being overly critical of myself like I always am. I want to be perfect, but nobody is perfect. I won't look like this by the time summer comes. I can't let myself get any bigger. I will starve myself if I have to. I know that isn't healthy, but being tiny is part of who I am, and I feel like I'm losing my identity again. I need to get back to being me, and I don't look like me. I don't feel like me. I don't like this.