Close Quarters

I try to stay positive. I try to be optimistic about the future. I try to just not worry about things and let the future unfold as it will.

Then there are days like today. Right now I have to live life in the present, which isn't nearly as fun as fantasizing about the future.

The present sucks. I'm trying to be positive, but there's no way around the fact that things really kind of suck right now. My mom, stepdad, and 11 year old sister live in a small 2 bedroom house. Since I left my husband, my son and I have been living here also. I have been sleeping on the couch, and my boy has been sleeping on the floor in my sister's room. The most annoying thing is I have a 4 bedroom house rented just down the street, but I can't move in. I have paid my rent, but the house is just sitting over there empty.

When I left, since it was a case of domestic abuse, everyone said don't worry about your stuff, you can worry about that later, just pack a suitcase of what you need, and get out of there. So that is what I did. And I filed a restraining order, so my husband is not allowed to contact me or our son in any way until the 20th.

After being removed from the situation for a couple of weeks now, I am rethinking that restraining order. I want my furniture so I can move into my new house. I'm beginning to feel like maybe I overreacted. I feel bad that our son cannot even talk to his father on the phone. And I can't talk to my best friend. The one person willing and able to move my things for me. I know, it's completely messed up that I still feel like he's my best frind. After all he's done to me. It's not that he's a great friend, it's just that he's my only friend, and he has done everything for me for years. The truth is that he wasn't nice to me, he broke me down, controlled me, and scared me. But he also did everything for me. Abuse isseus aside, he really did do everything to take care of me and our household.

Now I'm 28 and I feel like an 18 year old moving out on my own for the first time. With a 5 year old. I don't know how to do things. I've never dealt with bills, or budgeted. I'm starting to miss the luxuries of home. I would really love my hot tub right now. I miss my cats. I miss the quiet neighborhood on the lake. I miss our beautiful home with real wood floors. I miss my pretty bright pink bathroom that I just painted not long ago. And as stupid as it may be, I miss him just a little.

It would be easier to move on if I could move off my mom's couch and have a little independence, but I kind of shot myself in the foot on that one. I now think that my husband would have helped me move in. Now he can't be within 1500 ft of me, our son, my house, or my car. Before he was served papers, he told me he would pack all my furniture and stuff into a trailer and have someone else come here and drop the trailer off yesterday or today. No one showed up yesterday, and I'm completely unable to contact him to see if that will happen today. I'm beginning to think there's no way it will happen. Because he is still trying to get me to come back to him. If he has my things, and I can't get them, then I might contact him to see where the fuck my stuff is, or maybe I would come back to him. Now those are just things I think might be going through his mind, definitely not mine, because at this point, I cannot trust a word the man says, and that makes me uncomfortable.

The close living quarters are beginning to wear on everyone in this house. And it seems silly that I have a whole house down the road, but I am just waiting for my stuff to magically appear so I can move in. I am going on a man's word. A man that I just said I cannot trust.

I forgot how to think for myself. I forgot how to deal with real life problems, and i lost all my real life friends. I still have friends in this town who would love to see me, be excited that I'm back, and probably help me in any way possible. But I've been hiding out. I haven't wanted to be seen in public. Because these people are no longer my kind of people. they are still partying and drinking, and hanging out in the one shitty little rundown bar in this town. I feel like I'm better than them, or maybe not better, but different, more complex. I'm not as simple as them. I'm not content with the kind of lifestyle they lead. I was made for greater things.

So I'm stuck without any furniture to move into my house. My mom thinks I'm stupid for believing that he might actually get it over here. Maybe I am, but I am just one tiny woman. How the hell am I supposed to move furniture and things by myself? If I'm going to live independently, I'm going to have to be a problem solver. I will have to solve real life problems like how to get my stuff moved, but right now I am at a loss.