I feel sick. I can't stop shaking and I feel like throwing up. I just paid for 6 months rent. It's real. It's all real now. I will be uprooting my son and my cats and relocating them. I am leaving the life of luxury on the lake and moving into a small, old rental house with ugly shag carpeting.
I had a restraining order issued against my husband so not only will he be unable to contact me, but I will also be unable to contact the one person who has been a constant in my life for 5 1/2 years. No, he wasn't always nice to me, but he was there. Part of me wants to run back to him, and the safety of my little cage. But I know that I can't. And that makes me slightly ill.
So I ask myself what now? How do I go about rebuilding my entire life? I'm terrified. I've never lived alone, and yes, I have a little boy, but I have always had roommates or boyfriends, or husbands living with me. I will have a house to take care of by myself.
How will I take care of wood heat, shovel snow, rake leaves, mow the lawn? I've never done these things. I had a man to do the man's work for me. I have so much to learn, and at the same time I will be adjusting to my completely different life. There will be no one holding me at night, tucking my child into bed with me at night. There will be no shoulder to cry on, and I'm sure there will be crying.
This is it. This is what starting over feels like.
About Me
- Jenny
- Flathead Lake, Montana, United States
- This wasn't supposed to be my life. Or maybe it was. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Confessions and general rantings of an ex-party girl.
My husband and I separated for almost a year before we decided to give it another go. It was freeing. I could clean when I wanted, eat what/when I wanted. Not shower. Read all day. Watch movies. Hold the remote. You will be okay. Yes, there will be tears but you'll look back on this soon and realize how strong you are and how much stronger you are because of it.
ReplyDelete