It Isn't Me

It isn't just me. For those of you who follow my blog, you may remember my recent post Maybe It's Me. For those of you who don't, you're more than welcome to read it. Anyway, I've been dissatisfied with my marriage for a long time, but I never know why. I've struggled with the thought that maybe it's just me, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm incapable of being happy with anyone.

I don't think that's the case, and I don't think my marriage will stand the test of time. I've tried to think of every way possible to convince myself that this is what I want. I mean, who wouldn't want a man that is completely devoted to you, a life of luxury, a solid family? But I'm starting to face the undeniable, but scary truth. It isn't meant to be. No matter how great my life may seem, it just isn't who I am. I am living my husband's life. He is in control of me. He is the one who manipulates our relationship to make me feel like there's something wrong with me, and that I'm not strong enough, not smart enough, not sane enough to ever get by without him. And I believe him. Most of the time I believe him. So I go about living his life. Being the person he wants me to be. I've done it so long now, I barely remember who I used to be. But I know I wasn't a woman who would let a man control me. How did this happen? How did I let him take complete control of my life? 

I didn't see that it was happening. At first I needed someone. I wanted someone to tell me what to do because my dad died, and without him I didn't have a clue what I should do, or who I should be. He was always my moral compass. I let people make me feel like a failure because I never finished anything I started, but you know what? I never finished any of those things because they weren't right for me. I really think what I need to do is trust my own judgment a little more. I fucked up a lot when I was young, so I believed that it was better to let someone else decide what I should or shouldn't do. I thought that if I were in charge of my own life, I would destroy it. I've been told all my life that I have these psychological problems, and I have let them control my life. I don't need to do that. I'm aware of them, and I'm intelligent enough to reason with myself. I don't need someone else telling me how to live my life.

When I started dating my husband, I was straight out of a psychiatric hospital. While I was at the hospital, I had a team of professionals telling me what to do, and that was comforting for awhile not having to deal with the whole world all by myself. So when I got out, I just attached myself to this man, and let him tell me what to do, who to be. 

I should have known. I see the clues in hindsight. The red flags. At the ages of 21 and 22, I considered myself a professional bar-goer. I was a social butterfly at bars. I was a flirt, but that didn't mean I was easy. I liked the power. I knew how to get guys to buy me drinks and then ditch them. I knew how to get the hottest guy in the bar to go home with me. I knew how to get every man's phone number in the bar. I toyed with men. They were my playthings. They were my hobby. Yes, I was a player. I wasn't nice about it, but as a beautiful woman, you get away with it. I knew men, and I knew how to get anything I wanted from them. So how did I let this man take control of my life?

One of the first times we went to the bar together, I did my usual thing. I saw some other guys, and talked to them, and asked if they wanted to play a game of pool. With me and my date, my future husband. In my mind, there was no harm in it. I wasn't hitting on them, but I used to be a social person, and I liked interacting with other people. My future husband however, who I should add, was not even my "boyfriend" at this point was very upset by it and made me feel like I was just being a drunk slut. But I let it go. I should have let him go right there. It was ridiculous if you ask me, but how was I supposed to know? How was I supposed to know that he was so insecure about himself that he would lock me up in this house in the middle of nowhere and make it impossible for me to have friends, or even to keep the friends I had. He wants ALL my attention. He wants me to act like no one exists in this world but him, because he has always been so afraid that he would lose me.

Seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is. It truly is. It's not just me. It's the fact that I know in the back of my mind that he is not "the one" for me. Because he won't let me be me. I was a strong woman who didn't let anyone tell me what to do. I was able to make friends everywhere I went. I enjoyed talking to people, and yes, being a bit of a flirt. But I never understood why he would care if I was a tiny bit of a flirt. Why is it so bad to have a beautiful woman on your arm who you know is all yours, and have other guys wish they could have her. Wish they could be you. If I were a guy I think I would feel good about that.

I have spent years of my life creating the perfect life with this man. We have everything we could ever desire. Except each others love, respect, and admiration. We don't have fun together. We don't laugh together. When I'm upset, he makes me feel worse. When he's stressed out, I make him feel more stressed out. We don't complement each other. We don't fit. We never will. 

Time is ticking. I know I can't live this way forever. i feel more oppressed every day. I can't even get up to use the bathroom without him interrogating me about where I'm going. He doesn't trust me. He never has. Because he doesn't feel that a woman like me could ever love a man like him. The sad thing is that I could have if he would give up his control over me. If he would give me the freedom to be me. I'm not the cheating type. I would never have cheated on him, probably would never leave him if he let me be me. If he let me have my freedom. Now we'll never know. Because I know that I can't and won't do this forever.

Does that mean I'm packing up, divorcing him and leaving immediately? No. It's much more complicated than that to destroy a man that I do care about, and tear apart a seemingly loving family. I'm loyal to a fault. He doesn't deserve to be left. He doesn't deserve to have his whole life destroyed, but what about me? I've let my life be destroyed for almost 6 years now. When is it my turn to be an adult? To have my freedom? I don't know. Will it be 6 months? A year? 10 years? Your guess is as good as mine, but someday I deserve to go on and try to find someone who will like me for who I am. Someone who will let me be me. It WILL destroy him. I am in a no-win situation. If I stay, I sacrifice my happiness. If I go, I live with the guilt of destroying his happiness, and psychologically messing up my child.

The problem is complex now though. I'm institutionalized. I've let someone tell me what to do and who to be for nearly 6 years. I'm afraid of not having that. It's so messed up, because as much as it drives me crazy, at this point I've lost sight of who I am. What I want. I'm afraid that I no longer know how to be me. But I will figure it out someday. I can't keep doing this. Why imprison yourself when you could be free? It's not just the typical marriage stuff. I've tried and tried to convince myself that it is because you know what? If this marriage could work out, that would make my life a million times easier. But in the back of my mind I know it's just a matter of time. It won't work out. I can't do this forever. I have gotten sad, and negative, and cynical. And I used to be easy-going and idealistic. I was. Can I find that strong, amazing woman inside of me again? I damn sure hope so, because I've come too far, I've survived too much to end up this way. Barely more than a slave. 

The truth is hard to face. Life is not always easy. In fact, it rarely is. At some point I will have to destroy my family to save me, and that makes me feel like the worst person in the world, but I can't fight it forever. I can't give up my happiness for other people forever. And I can't be happy in this situation. With this man who I love dearly. Such a sad situation.

A Libra Family

I'm not sure exactly where I stand on astrology. Do I believe in it? Do I think it's a bunch of crap? I've never decided. I DO think it is interesting sometimes though.


I somehow ended up with a Libra family. My husband's birthday is September 25th, my birthday is October 5th, and my son's birthday is October 6th. So what does it mean to be a Libra? This is where I find things interesting, because descriptions of Libras are usually spot-on as far as my personality goes. Here is a description of Libras:


This sign of Libra is represented in symbolism as The Balance. The Sun, the ruler of our inner nature, falls in Libra, the exaltation of Saturn. Their love of justice, combined with the need to be fair and even-handed contributes to that characteristic difficulty such people find in making decisions quickly.

These people are rarely lazy. They work hard, and also demand that their partners work just as hard. They have a strong sense of justice and fair play. It is pretty unusual for them to express anger, but when they do it is usually a storm.

They are extremely positive and decisive in all their thoughts and actions. They have great foresight and intuition, and are generally seen at their best when acting on first impressions. The fear is usually well controlled so the typical representatives of this sign usually look calm, collected, and in charge of the situation. Good natured and loving, they enjoy talking to people, yet can also be very attentive listeners.

They are often very psychic, have curious presentiments, and would make very devout spiritualists, theosophists, and occultists, and yet so strongly endowed are they with the desire to reason out everything that their love of exact proof usually overwhelms their psychic powers.

They are often very successful as speculators, but they have little regard for the value of money, and have as a rule great ups and downs in their careers. Libra is a sign that values peace at all costs, and is very fair minded. People like being around Librans, for in the event of a dispute they will seek a compromise.

People born in this time symbolize a "balance." They seem always trying mentally to balance things and get an even judgment.

They are often found in public life, but it is with their innate desire to adjust the balance of things by making laws for the betterment of their fellows. These people graciously accept praise for their achievements and will gladly give praise to others, when they deserve it. LIBRA is the zodiac sign of Partnership.These people's energies are focused on melding and combining with others; they are at their best in personal relationships. Born under the sign of the Scales, they strive for balance and harmony and are happiest when their environment is ordered and serene.

These people are very good at science, and often spend their lifetime in study and research in some particular subject, again weighing and balancing every side of the question in the most conscientious manner. For this reason they make excellent doctors. Usually they become masters of some particular line of study more than as general practitioners. On the other hand representatives of this sign are not the most reliable people, either in what they should do, or in maintaining any particular view point. They are often accused of being two faced. Beneath that charming exterior they are very self centered, and insist on getting their own way,

As lovers these people are the most quintessential romantics among the zodiac. Venus ruling, they have an idealistic view of love and togetherness. Once these people fall in love, they start thinking of marriage. On the other hand these people seldom find happiness in marriage. In affection they appear to weigh and balance matters too much. In relationships generally, they invariably give back in kind what they have been given. 




Sounds exactly like me. Kind of interesting. So what allegedly happens when two Libras are in a relationship such as marriage? Well, the descriptions I've found about that are interesting as well. 




 Pairing two Libras at best is pleasing and harmonious. At worst, it's a bit unbalanced—a word (rather, a condition) that makes Libra uneasy. After all, Libras work so hard to balance their relationships and their environments. Both of you value feedback and communication in your relationships, and each of you is more than willing to give the other just these things! However, because both of you are rather ambivalent and indecisive, an endless loop may be the result when you get together. Your conversations will be very stimulating, no doubt, but will they go anywhere solid? Probably not. You two need to establish some goals in your relationship in order to escape the "endless loop". It can be very difficult to establish a leader in this partnership. Of course, a relationship doesn't necessarily need a leader, per se. However, both of you "get off" on cooperation, bending to your partner, and compromising. As such, you will likely find you share a lot of interests, but acting on these things might be a problem. You might have a difficult time curbing your expenses as well, simply because both of you have such refined tastes. Each of you have perfected the art of diplomacy within relationships, and you need to be careful that you truly confront problems as they arise instead of talking your way around them. Despite these apparent problems, you truly understand each other and have very similar partnership needs and expectations. Togetherness is of utmost value to both of you, and your similarities can be the foundation for a powerful bond. 


Yes, it seems there are other astrological signs that are better suited to a Libra than a fellow Libra. The signs best suited for Libra are Gemini and Aquarius. Very, Very interesting.


Are you a Gemini or Aquarius?

Being the Other Woman

I spend a lot of time on twitter. Hell, I spend a lot of time on the internet in general, and I've noticed a trend of sorts. Seems a lot of not-so-happily-married people are involved in internet romances. I mean twitter crushes are perfectly normal right? Everyone has them. Even the married people. Okay, perhaps not everyone, but a lot. I see it all the time. But what happened in the days before social networking was really a thing? Did married people still stray? Did married men see a hot young woman and think "damn, I'd like to hit that!"? The answer is of course they did! People are only human, and thus prone to imperfection. Monogamy is hard, especially when you're not getting along with your spouse super-well. In real life, I was "the other woman" several times, usually just for a fling, but once I made the mistake of falling in love with a married man... who also happened to be my boss at work. Here's my story of how infidelity goes down in real life.

I started college at Central Washington University which is located in Ellensburg, Washington, a smallish rodeo town. I dated college guys for awhile, but after living there a few years I started being more interested in the locals, the working men. I had a boyfriend that I really liked. He was a carpenter and his family were cattle ranchers. I myself was a little bit country with big belt buckles and cowboy boots (ok, I still dress like that sometimes.) Anyway, his name was Josh. But it really bothered Josh that he was out working hard, barely getting by, while I sat around and did nothing, but had everything. He dumped me. I really wanted him back, so I started looking for a job. I worked in a hardware store through high school, and I knew my way around a hardware store. I applied for jobs a bunch of different places, but I got called in for an interview at a hardware store. Perfect. i had worked at a hardware store in high school. And the manager was a good-looking 24 year old guy. His dad owned the place, but he was in charge of hiring me. To my interview I wore a low-cut top, tight jeans, and heels. Boom, I got the job.

So the first week I started working there, my new boss was telling me about how his wife was out of town for a week and he would be bored because he didn't have many friends. I didn't have any friends left at that point really, so I said hey, we could be friends. He agreed, and that weekend he asked what I wanted to do. I suggested seeing a movie and going for drinks after. We went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and went to his favorite bar, The Tav, after the movie. We drank beer and laughed and giggled all evening. When the bar closed, we said our goodbyes, and went home. It was the perfect first date even though it had not been a date. A couple nights later he came over to my apartment and we drank and watched a movie in my bedroom. We were in my bedroom because I had roommates, so our bedrooms were like our personal living quarters. At some point I remember lying next to him giggling, and I looked over at him and said "you should probably go." He asked why. I told him that if he didn't go, I think we would end up kissing. He didn't go. We ended up kissing. We ended up having sex. And it was GREAT sex. I mean there was chemistry. It was mind-blowing. Best ever.

Work got a lot more fun after that. It was an old building, and there were back rooms, storage rooms, attics, places to sneak away everywhere. We texted each other all day every day, even at work. I followed him around at work under the guise that he was teaching me things, training me. We did do work together, and we joked and laughed, and had the greatest time. We also sneaked around making out, and having sex on the clock. We'd sneak upstairs for a blow-job or a quickie. If the workday got stressful, we'd meet each other in the storage room for a quick makeout to relieve stress. We had sex all over that store during, and after business hours. One time after hours, we had sex right on the floor in the middle of the store, and we giggled every time we walked by that spot the next day.

Things aren't so simple when someone is married though. One night at my place I said something about how if we kept it up, I was going to start falling in love with him. He said he felt the same way. So in love we fell. Some things got rough after that. His wife would stop by the store all the time and I'd hide and cry. He would come find me and apologize as soon as she left. I got to be an emotional wreck at work, but I got away with everything because after all, I was sleeping with my boss. I'd get to work, clock in, and then leave to go get coffee. He'd put extra hours on my timesheet for me.

I hid upstairs and cried almost every day. I was in love with a man I couldn't have. His wife was nothing like me. She was fat and plain. They met after high school. He said he felt stuck, but loved me. I started drinking even more heavily than before. One time I got so drunk I had to leave my truck parked at the bar and take a cab home. I worked the next morning, and I called him to get a ride to work. As my boss he wasn't happy that I still reeked of alcohol and was severely hungover, but as my boyfriend he turned a blind eye. I started spiking my morning latte with schnapps. I started drinking beer at lunch. I went from work straight to the bars. I would get upset on nights he had to spend with his wife, and I'd go to bed with a bottle of vodka to drown my sorrows.

At one point his wife ended up in the hospital for something, and instead of staying with her, he hung out at a park with me. We were addicted to each other. I couldn't help it. He couldn't help it. We started having close calls though. He knew everyone in town. People started seeing us together. Coworkers started talking about the way we smiled at each other. His grandma caught him hugging me in the break room. The pressure got to him and he broke it off with me. I quit. Without a 2 week notice. I quit, and moved back to Montana the next day. He ended up telling his wife. He is now divorced.

I never did get Josh back. And My boss kind of destroyed me.

When the time came that I needed a letter of recommendation, I got one that I couldn't have written better myself. Because I did write it, and he agreed to sign it. See, there are perks to sleeping with your boss. But for the most part, it wasn't worth it.

I never ever thought I would be stupid enough to be the other woman and think that a man was actually going to leave his wife for me. Married men NEVER leave their wife for their girlfriend on the side. Never.

Life lesson learned.

Remembering Dance Portraits

So my boy started dance classes again. I did the dance portraits for the spring recital last June. Today the studio owner asked me for the disc of the photos and in my head I thought oh shit! I should have had that disc to her months ago! So I started burning the disc, and realized what a difference a few months of practice makes. I almost don't want to give her the disc because I know I could do so much better. When I did these photos it was my first time working with the 50mm f/1.4 lens. Now I own that lens and use it all the time. I'm not even sure how the portraits turned out so badly, but I do remember feeling like I was in over my head while doing them. Between the portraits being less than perfect, and my extremely late delivery of the disc, I would be really surprised if she asked me to do portraits for her again. However, if she does, I would be much more prepared to do some better portraits. Here's what I put on the disc today:

The biggest problem is inconsistency. Some of the pictures turned out great, but others not so great. It was tough using a greenscreen and an unfamiliar lens for my first paying job. I learned a whole lot doing the pictures though :P

Can a Person Really Change?

Today I'm wondering... Can an adult change his life philosophies, or are they too ingrained in his mind from the time he was a child to ever be able to see the world differently?

My dad, along with his family, were very business-minded people from the time I was a child. I was his little girl, and Daddy wanted only the best for me. From as far back as I can remember, my father taught me one thing about life. He taught me that it's every man for himself out there in the world, and you need to constantly be on guard, protecting your own happiness, no matter what the cost. As an individual, your happiness is THE most important thing in life. Also, I learned that being better than other people, better-looking than other people, more successful than other people, etc. was far more important than getting along with other people. All through my life I've viewed other people as nothing but my competition.

It was a rather Machiavellian way to go about life. The ends justified the means. If you got what you wanted, it didn't matter what you had to do to get it. I have always been very good at manipulating any situation in order to get what I want. I look at the life I have, and it appears perfect to other people, but the truth is I have lied, cheated, stolen, and manipulated to get here. I am attractive, intelligent, and funny, but I am also a fraud.

It doesn't end with the outside world either. I am competitive within my own family, and I use them to make myself look better than other people. when arguing with my husband, all I can think to do is defend myself, and argue that I am right and he is wrong. I don't listen to what he has to say, and process it. No, I hear just enough to find a way to point the blame all in his direction no matter what we are discussing. I would rather win, than try to understand him. I brag about the successes of my husband and child to make myself look better.

In my mind, the world has always been a survival of the fittest competition, and I have always been successful in that regard. When I go about doing something, I will do anything to be the best, even when that annoys the shit out of other people. If I am succeeding, and you are failing, I will look at you and laugh before I will try to help you.

The summer before my dad died, he told me this: "Jenny, I know I will never have to worry about you getting anything less than everything you want out of life, because you will never settle for anything less than what you want." True words about the way I've lived my life.

But here I am saying "now what?" I have a family. How do I only look out for myself when I have other people to look out for? Is it possible I could live my life differently than I have my whole life? Or am I bound to eventually hurt the ones I love in the quest for everything I want? Can a wild animal truly ever be tamed? I would like to say, okay, I've discovered my flawed way of thinking about life and now I'm going to change it. But how would I go about living my life completely differently than I ever have before? And would I even still be me?

Something to think on.

Maybe It's Me

I've been kind of depressed lately, but not for no good reason this time. It's because I've always blamed everyone else for everything that has ever gone wrong with my life, and it was time to sit down with myself and face the idea that maybe it's not them. Maybe it's me. Maybe no one gets along with me and bad things happen to me because of me. It's difficult to explain, but I have this way of being able to turn everything around in any situation so that in my head, it's not my fault. As you might imagine, this doesn't go over well in a marriage. I've been married over 5 years now, and I think my husband is getting tired of everything being his fault. And here's the thing that makes it really hard. I know I have to be wrong, but I absolutely cannot see it.

But if I look at our marriage from a completely outside perspective, I would see a man who works hard, loves his wife, and slams his head against the wall over and over trying to make his wife happy. That's all he wants out of life. To see her smile. To see her smile at him. To have a happy, loving family. He's loved her through really difficult times and through all of her psychological problems over the years. He has made mistakes, yes, but they were out of desperation to make her happy, to make her love him.

I would see a woman who doesn't have any idea of who she is, or what she wants. She thinks she loves her husband, but doesn't know how she can be sure. He's the perfect husband, trying to give her everything she wants. The kind of man she can trust to love her no matter what happens. The kind of man she would never ever have to worry about leaving her, or finding somebody else. He's a great father, and just a great, hardworking family man. She doesn't give him all of her love though, and she still wonders if she'd be happier somewhere else, with someone else. She only thinks of herself. Never thinks of this man who lives his life to make her happy. She can't look at things from his point of view. She has no idea how to love him the way he deserves to be loved. She craves attention from other men, but doesn't know why. She tells herself she couldn't ask for a better husband. Life couldn't get any better than this. But she feels like something is missing. And she doesn't have the time or energy to think about how he feels, because she is obsessed with thinking about herself, and analyzing her life as she sees it from her point of view, and from her point of view, she is never wrong. He is. But how could he be when he would do anything to make her happy? Something doesn't add up. She is coming to the realization that maybe she just doesn't think and behave like other people. She isn't able to. She begins to think she isn't being fair to her husband, but doesn't know how to change. She thinks maybe she can't change. That no matter where she is, or who she is with, she would feel this way anyway, because she is unable to truly love another human being. She can only love herself. She can only think of herself. She thinks about leaving, but doesn't know how to be anyone else besides this man's wife. And she doesn't know if it would even help to do everything differently. Maybe she would end up feeling the same way all over again. She wants life to be perfect, and doesn't want to settle for anything less, but she's beginning to think maybe life is never perfect, maybe you just need to play the cards you're dealt the best you can. And she sits thinking, contemplating her next move, wondering if she can even win with the cards she has.

So there you have my relationship from the point of view of a narrator. My husband is an innocent bystander in my life. I feel like I'm watching a slow-moving train wreck that will destroy him. One that I will cause, yet I still won't be able to stop it. If I loved him, I would be able to stop it, right? Which leads me to the belief that I am unable to truly love anybody. Because he is the perfect man to love. He deserves my love. I want to give it to him, but there's always something holding me back. I just wish I could figure out what it is. And fix it somehow.

Love/Hate Relationship with Psych Meds

I am finally stabilized on medications and psychologically I feel great. I feel like a normal person for once. If I get upset, I can get over it instead of spiraling into depression for days. I feel calm most of the time which is a new feeling. I have been able to fall asleep at a decent time instead of tossing and turning all night and then sleeping half of the day to make up for it. I've been getting up at 6am like a normal person. For the most part, things have been great.

Here's the thing I hate about being medicated though. I'm on 5 medications that I take several times daily to control my psychological issues. I have to take other medications just to control the side effects of my regular medications though. The worst side effect is high blood pressure and tachycardia (fast heart rate). I haven't been taking my blood pressure medication because it has terrible side effects itself, including sexual problems, which I just can't handle. 

Today I started to just feel awful for no reason though. I finally took my blood pressure and it was through the roof, like scary scary high. 172/124. For reference, normal blood pressure is less than 120/80. Okay, it was obviously time to take my blood pressure medication. So I took it, and an hour later, it was still just ad high. So I took some more, and took my Klonopin to relax a little and I took a little nap. I woke up and took my blood pressure again. It was down a little, but still very high. It shouldn't be, and that worries me, and worrying makes my high blood pressure worse. It's something I've dealt with on and off for years. Only when I'm on my medication. The worst part is I can feel my heart, and it feels like it hurts. I have had this all checked out, but tests were pretty much inconclusive.

I'm always asking myself, would I rather be psychologically healthy, or physically healthy? Because it seems I can't be both. I'm only 27, and I don't even want to think of all the wear and tear I've put my internal organs through from medications.

Such is life. I'm rolling with the punches, but I would feel a lot better if my diastolic pressure would drop below 100.