Today I'm wondering... Can an adult change his life philosophies, or are they too ingrained in his mind from the time he was a child to ever be able to see the world differently?
My dad, along with his family, were very business-minded people from the time I was a child. I was his little girl, and Daddy wanted only the best for me. From as far back as I can remember, my father taught me one thing about life. He taught me that it's every man for himself out there in the world, and you need to constantly be on guard, protecting your own happiness, no matter what the cost. As an individual, your happiness is THE most important thing in life. Also, I learned that being better than other people, better-looking than other people, more successful than other people, etc. was far more important than getting along with other people. All through my life I've viewed other people as nothing but my competition.
It was a rather Machiavellian way to go about life. The ends justified the means. If you got what you wanted, it didn't matter what you had to do to get it. I have always been very good at manipulating any situation in order to get what I want. I look at the life I have, and it appears perfect to other people, but the truth is I have lied, cheated, stolen, and manipulated to get here. I am attractive, intelligent, and funny, but I am also a fraud.
It doesn't end with the outside world either. I am competitive within my own family, and I use them to make myself look better than other people. when arguing with my husband, all I can think to do is defend myself, and argue that I am right and he is wrong. I don't listen to what he has to say, and process it. No, I hear just enough to find a way to point the blame all in his direction no matter what we are discussing. I would rather win, than try to understand him. I brag about the successes of my husband and child to make myself look better.
In my mind, the world has always been a survival of the fittest competition, and I have always been successful in that regard. When I go about doing something, I will do anything to be the best, even when that annoys the shit out of other people. If I am succeeding, and you are failing, I will look at you and laugh before I will try to help you.
The summer before my dad died, he told me this: "Jenny, I know I will never have to worry about you getting anything less than everything you want out of life, because you will never settle for anything less than what you want." True words about the way I've lived my life.
But here I am saying "now what?" I have a family. How do I only look out for myself when I have other people to look out for? Is it possible I could live my life differently than I have my whole life? Or am I bound to eventually hurt the ones I love in the quest for everything I want? Can a wild animal truly ever be tamed? I would like to say, okay, I've discovered my flawed way of thinking about life and now I'm going to change it. But how would I go about living my life completely differently than I ever have before? And would I even still be me?
Something to think on.
About Me
- Jenny
- Flathead Lake, Montana, United States
- This wasn't supposed to be my life. Or maybe it was. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Confessions and general rantings of an ex-party girl.
Wow, interesting post, :-) You really bring up a bunch of different things, but ultimately, it comes down to a few...
ReplyDeleteFor one thing, success is rather subjective. To one, success is making million dollars, being on the covers of magazines and having your name in the paper daily. To another, being successful is raising a healthy, productive family, living a safe, comfortable life within one's means, and being able to appreciate what life has awarded you. No matter what your definition of success may be, the best thing you can do is live by example. Divest yourself of comparisons. Are YOU successful, independent of how others are doing? Or are you only successful because neighbor A and Neighbor B are in utter turmoil?
As for changing, it's totally possible. Check it...a young boy grows up being taught that he should mate with a girl. Goes most of his life thinking his destiny lies with a woman. Marries, has two kids, 50 years later, he has an epiphany and realizes he's been living his life entirely in a way that others wanted him to, he divorces, leaves his wife and kids, and becomes an old queen frequenting bath houses, the YMCA and men's joints, ;-) Does this mean he was born gay? Up to you to decide. Point is, he went most of his life thinking a certain way was right, and it may have taken an act as simple as watching a movie, having a talk with a friend, changing a TV channel, or getting a specific perspective put into just the right words to make him see something new. Is this based on a true story? Got me. But you've seen humanity, is it unbelievable? Hell naw, ;-)
As for wild animals being tamed? Well, that's really a different...well...animal. Animals LIVE off of instinct, they thrive when able to go with their guts. Domesticated house pets are different and can function fine with just a quiet home, toys on the floor, food and water bowls and time to snuggle with Master(s). But WILD animals? That's why Siegfried (or was it Roy) got bit in the neck by their tiger. It's a freaking tiger! :-) Eventually, it was going to snap. House cats and puppy dogs snap in the same way, but it's a lot easier to put a bandaid on a finger bite than getting your neck mauled.
In conclusion, yes, I feel we all can change. Obviously, much harder to change an adult leopard's spots than it is to change a leopard cub's spots, so to speak, but it is possible.
The one thing you have to do more than anything? You have to WANT to change. If you truly don't want to change deep down, you won't. If you want to, and you know how hard it is, and you know how tough you have to be with yourself to make those changes?
You'll do it.
You CAN change but honestly I'm not sure it is necessary. You will just apply your 'winning' attitude to your nuclear family. There is no need to compete directly with the ones you love because their success is YOURS as well and vice versa. Hang in there - we're rooting for you. W.C.C.
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