Maybe It's Me

I've been kind of depressed lately, but not for no good reason this time. It's because I've always blamed everyone else for everything that has ever gone wrong with my life, and it was time to sit down with myself and face the idea that maybe it's not them. Maybe it's me. Maybe no one gets along with me and bad things happen to me because of me. It's difficult to explain, but I have this way of being able to turn everything around in any situation so that in my head, it's not my fault. As you might imagine, this doesn't go over well in a marriage. I've been married over 5 years now, and I think my husband is getting tired of everything being his fault. And here's the thing that makes it really hard. I know I have to be wrong, but I absolutely cannot see it.

But if I look at our marriage from a completely outside perspective, I would see a man who works hard, loves his wife, and slams his head against the wall over and over trying to make his wife happy. That's all he wants out of life. To see her smile. To see her smile at him. To have a happy, loving family. He's loved her through really difficult times and through all of her psychological problems over the years. He has made mistakes, yes, but they were out of desperation to make her happy, to make her love him.

I would see a woman who doesn't have any idea of who she is, or what she wants. She thinks she loves her husband, but doesn't know how she can be sure. He's the perfect husband, trying to give her everything she wants. The kind of man she can trust to love her no matter what happens. The kind of man she would never ever have to worry about leaving her, or finding somebody else. He's a great father, and just a great, hardworking family man. She doesn't give him all of her love though, and she still wonders if she'd be happier somewhere else, with someone else. She only thinks of herself. Never thinks of this man who lives his life to make her happy. She can't look at things from his point of view. She has no idea how to love him the way he deserves to be loved. She craves attention from other men, but doesn't know why. She tells herself she couldn't ask for a better husband. Life couldn't get any better than this. But she feels like something is missing. And she doesn't have the time or energy to think about how he feels, because she is obsessed with thinking about herself, and analyzing her life as she sees it from her point of view, and from her point of view, she is never wrong. He is. But how could he be when he would do anything to make her happy? Something doesn't add up. She is coming to the realization that maybe she just doesn't think and behave like other people. She isn't able to. She begins to think she isn't being fair to her husband, but doesn't know how to change. She thinks maybe she can't change. That no matter where she is, or who she is with, she would feel this way anyway, because she is unable to truly love another human being. She can only love herself. She can only think of herself. She thinks about leaving, but doesn't know how to be anyone else besides this man's wife. And she doesn't know if it would even help to do everything differently. Maybe she would end up feeling the same way all over again. She wants life to be perfect, and doesn't want to settle for anything less, but she's beginning to think maybe life is never perfect, maybe you just need to play the cards you're dealt the best you can. And she sits thinking, contemplating her next move, wondering if she can even win with the cards she has.

So there you have my relationship from the point of view of a narrator. My husband is an innocent bystander in my life. I feel like I'm watching a slow-moving train wreck that will destroy him. One that I will cause, yet I still won't be able to stop it. If I loved him, I would be able to stop it, right? Which leads me to the belief that I am unable to truly love anybody. Because he is the perfect man to love. He deserves my love. I want to give it to him, but there's always something holding me back. I just wish I could figure out what it is. And fix it somehow.