I don't think that's the case, and I don't think my marriage will stand the test of time. I've tried to think of every way possible to convince myself that this is what I want. I mean, who wouldn't want a man that is completely devoted to you, a life of luxury, a solid family? But I'm starting to face the undeniable, but scary truth. It isn't meant to be. No matter how great my life may seem, it just isn't who I am. I am living my husband's life. He is in control of me. He is the one who manipulates our relationship to make me feel like there's something wrong with me, and that I'm not strong enough, not smart enough, not sane enough to ever get by without him. And I believe him. Most of the time I believe him. So I go about living his life. Being the person he wants me to be. I've done it so long now, I barely remember who I used to be. But I know I wasn't a woman who would let a man control me. How did this happen? How did I let him take complete control of my life?
I didn't see that it was happening. At first I needed someone. I wanted someone to tell me what to do because my dad died, and without him I didn't have a clue what I should do, or who I should be. He was always my moral compass. I let people make me feel like a failure because I never finished anything I started, but you know what? I never finished any of those things because they weren't right for me. I really think what I need to do is trust my own judgment a little more. I fucked up a lot when I was young, so I believed that it was better to let someone else decide what I should or shouldn't do. I thought that if I were in charge of my own life, I would destroy it. I've been told all my life that I have these psychological problems, and I have let them control my life. I don't need to do that. I'm aware of them, and I'm intelligent enough to reason with myself. I don't need someone else telling me how to live my life.
When I started dating my husband, I was straight out of a psychiatric hospital. While I was at the hospital, I had a team of professionals telling me what to do, and that was comforting for awhile not having to deal with the whole world all by myself. So when I got out, I just attached myself to this man, and let him tell me what to do, who to be.
I should have known. I see the clues in hindsight. The red flags. At the ages of 21 and 22, I considered myself a professional bar-goer. I was a social butterfly at bars. I was a flirt, but that didn't mean I was easy. I liked the power. I knew how to get guys to buy me drinks and then ditch them. I knew how to get the hottest guy in the bar to go home with me. I knew how to get every man's phone number in the bar. I toyed with men. They were my playthings. They were my hobby. Yes, I was a player. I wasn't nice about it, but as a beautiful woman, you get away with it. I knew men, and I knew how to get anything I wanted from them. So how did I let this man take control of my life?
One of the first times we went to the bar together, I did my usual thing. I saw some other guys, and talked to them, and asked if they wanted to play a game of pool. With me and my date, my future husband. In my mind, there was no harm in it. I wasn't hitting on them, but I used to be a social person, and I liked interacting with other people. My future husband however, who I should add, was not even my "boyfriend" at this point was very upset by it and made me feel like I was just being a drunk slut. But I let it go. I should have let him go right there. It was ridiculous if you ask me, but how was I supposed to know? How was I supposed to know that he was so insecure about himself that he would lock me up in this house in the middle of nowhere and make it impossible for me to have friends, or even to keep the friends I had. He wants ALL my attention. He wants me to act like no one exists in this world but him, because he has always been so afraid that he would lose me.
Seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is. It truly is. It's not just me. It's the fact that I know in the back of my mind that he is not "the one" for me. Because he won't let me be me. I was a strong woman who didn't let anyone tell me what to do. I was able to make friends everywhere I went. I enjoyed talking to people, and yes, being a bit of a flirt. But I never understood why he would care if I was a tiny bit of a flirt. Why is it so bad to have a beautiful woman on your arm who you know is all yours, and have other guys wish they could have her. Wish they could be you. If I were a guy I think I would feel good about that.
I have spent years of my life creating the perfect life with this man. We have everything we could ever desire. Except each others love, respect, and admiration. We don't have fun together. We don't laugh together. When I'm upset, he makes me feel worse. When he's stressed out, I make him feel more stressed out. We don't complement each other. We don't fit. We never will.
Time is ticking. I know I can't live this way forever. i feel more oppressed every day. I can't even get up to use the bathroom without him interrogating me about where I'm going. He doesn't trust me. He never has. Because he doesn't feel that a woman like me could ever love a man like him. The sad thing is that I could have if he would give up his control over me. If he would give me the freedom to be me. I'm not the cheating type. I would never have cheated on him, probably would never leave him if he let me be me. If he let me have my freedom. Now we'll never know. Because I know that I can't and won't do this forever.
Does that mean I'm packing up, divorcing him and leaving immediately? No. It's much more complicated than that to destroy a man that I do care about, and tear apart a seemingly loving family. I'm loyal to a fault. He doesn't deserve to be left. He doesn't deserve to have his whole life destroyed, but what about me? I've let my life be destroyed for almost 6 years now. When is it my turn to be an adult? To have my freedom? I don't know. Will it be 6 months? A year? 10 years? Your guess is as good as mine, but someday I deserve to go on and try to find someone who will like me for who I am. Someone who will let me be me. It WILL destroy him. I am in a no-win situation. If I stay, I sacrifice my happiness. If I go, I live with the guilt of destroying his happiness, and psychologically messing up my child.
The problem is complex now though. I'm institutionalized. I've let someone tell me what to do and who to be for nearly 6 years. I'm afraid of not having that. It's so messed up, because as much as it drives me crazy, at this point I've lost sight of who I am. What I want. I'm afraid that I no longer know how to be me. But I will figure it out someday. I can't keep doing this. Why imprison yourself when you could be free? It's not just the typical marriage stuff. I've tried and tried to convince myself that it is because you know what? If this marriage could work out, that would make my life a million times easier. But in the back of my mind I know it's just a matter of time. It won't work out. I can't do this forever. I have gotten sad, and negative, and cynical. And I used to be easy-going and idealistic. I was. Can I find that strong, amazing woman inside of me again? I damn sure hope so, because I've come too far, I've survived too much to end up this way. Barely more than a slave.
The truth is hard to face. Life is not always easy. In fact, it rarely is. At some point I will have to destroy my family to save me, and that makes me feel like the worst person in the world, but I can't fight it forever. I can't give up my happiness for other people forever. And I can't be happy in this situation. With this man who I love dearly. Such a sad situation.
Hey Lady.. Here is ya need an ear.
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