Shades of Gray

In my experience, people tend to view life in black and white. That is, they see things as good or bad, right or wrong. I've never run into so much black and white thinking as I have since I moved back in with my husband. Everyone on the outside of our relationship thinks I'm insane, thinks when you realize you're in an abusive relationship that the only answer is to move on and never look back. Everyone also thinks he's insane, thinks when your wife just packs up and leaves you, then files a restraining order against you, that you don't just take her back. But here's the thing, the problems in our relationship were never cut and dry. Starting out was hard on us and we lost sight of what really mattered in life.

We both had problems when we first started dating with me right out of a psychiatric hospital, and him just out of drug rehab. We liked to drink and party. We were unstable, but we were also madly in love with each other. So when we found out I was pregnant, after many tears, a good amount of cussing, and a glass of wine, we decided to go through with it. Oh, I didn't mention that I had no religious or moral objections to abortion, so we had to make the choice. Continuing on. We envisioned this beautiful life together with our baby, and we got married when I was 4 months pregnant. Not because I was pregnant, but because at that point in time both of us could honestly say we wanted to spend the rest of our life with the other person. So we got married and had a baby.

Let's fast forward to recently. I figured out I was in an abusive relationship with this man. Mostly emotionally abusive which is devastating when you're bipolar and have no one else you can completely trust. Still, I rescued myself from the situation. That's how I saw it, and it's probably still true. At the time, I had to leave. Since I filed a restraining order on him, we more or less weren't allowed to communicate for 20 days. Then we had a court hearing where I either had to dismiss the restraining order, or explain why I still wanted it. I never intended to extend it past the 20 days so I went in the courtroom and dismissed like I had planned. What I hadn't planned was that my husband and I haven't really been apart since then.

That's where everyone else starts seeing black and white and doesn't understand what either one of us is doing now. I'm sure all of you out there that have read my blog for awhile think the same thing as everyone else right now.I came so far, I fought so hard, only to fall right back to where I was. And people on his side don't get it either. I up and left him, filed a restraining order on him, turned his world upside-down, and broke his heart. Why on earth would we take the other one back.

Well, life isn't black and white. It is full of gray areas. Most people won't tell you that. Most people don't even want to accept it. it is comfortable thinking there is a right answer to everything. It is a thought that helps people get through life. You can look back and say "I did the right thing." Or when faced with a difficult decision, you choose what you believe to be the right choice, do you not? But here's a reality check. Neither choice is right or wrong. Because you cannot, I mean absoultely in no possible way, tell what will happen in the future. You might come to that point where you have to make a tough decision and think about what the future will look like depending on what choice you make, but no matter how good your imagination may be, you cannot tell what the future holds. You may be dead tomorrow. Your husband or wife may be dead tomorrow. Your child may be dead tomorrow. Now that is just an example. Death is not the only unexpected event that can change your life forever. In fact, everything changes your life forever. things will happen to you that you won't see coming. No matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for life, life is going to happen to you, and in my experience, it rarely happens the way you plan. I accept this fact. I am completely defenseless against the future. Now I'm not talking about destiny. The opposite actually. I am talking about the decisions we make in life. No matter how trivial they may seem, every decision changes your future.

Not long ago I was talking to a guy on twitter. A nice guy. A guy that was so nice that girls weren't interested in him because he was too nice. He said to me that he needs to stop being so nice. The thought struck me as odd. He needed to stop being nice to people to avoid getting hurt over and over. He needed to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, and stop trusting people so much so he wouldn't get hurt. Probably true, the less you trust people, the less you will get hurt. Especially with your innermost thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The less you trust people, the more you expect the worst out of people, the less you will be left destroyed and broken. What a terrible way to live life. Why not jump in wholeheartedly? If you get hurt, well, that's how life happens sometimes. But if you jump in with everything you've got, if you trust in someone or something completely, if you have nothing but faith that things will work out the way you want them to and things do work out, then you know. You know it is true because you never shielded yourself, tried to protect yourself. You never did anything but be your true self, put yourself out there in a "take it or leave it" sort of way, then if it works out, it is the real thing.

When I left my husband and thought we were getting divorced, everyone told me to have faith in the future. That I would find happiness if I just had faith. But they never thought I would use that advice in the opposite situation. They never wanted me to, because it goes against their black and white thoughts. But after 20 days of being apart, after both of us acccepting that our marriage was over, I believe my husband and I did some much needed growing up. We looked at our lives and all the things we wanted to ignore about them. We looked at ourselves and both of us were disappointed in the way we had treated each other. And after 20 days of awful, lonely reflection, we both still wanted each other. Wanted to be better people and live the life we should have always been living together. I made a choice. If you're a black and white thinker, it was the wrong choice. But I think in shades of gray. I made the decision to put faith in my husband, someone who I know once upon a time loved me truly and deeply. I made the decision to go back to my old life, but go back to it with a different attitude. I could look at the past and just see the hurt and blame it all on him. I could look into the future and imagine how i can't trust him because he could hurt me again, but you know what? I can't tell the future. We may just go on valuing each other more, not taking love for granted. We may make it through this, and be a stronger family for it. We may have learned invaluable lessons about ourselves from this that will help us lead the life we always wanted. Life is never cut and dry. Will you be happier in the long run starting over, or picking up the pieces? Your guess is as good as mine, but I am making the decision to pick up the pieces of our so-called failed relationship and together, along with my husband, put them back together and go on. I choose to put faith back in us. And no one can tell me it's the wrong decision. because I don't live my life in fear of being hurt. I live boldly. Living without fear of being hurt may actually lead to more pain, but when it doesn't, life is beautiful and full. So while everyone tells me I'm making the wrong decision, I'm still going to make it, and I'm going to put everything I have into it, because to me there is no right or wrong choice. Whatever may happen, I will know that I gave this life my all. I choose faith.

Sleeping with the Enemy

I’m about to do something that no one will understand. I am going to give my husband one last chance. I am going to give this man, whom I have tried to escape from, who has made me miserable at times, who has abused me, manipulated me, and toyed with my emotions, one more chance. Now I know, this isn’t comprehensible to anyone. I mean, I finally made my escape, and now I’m happy right? Why on earth would I want to go back and give this person one more chance? I know how predictable and stupid it may sound. Believe me. I never thought I would do this. I thought it was over. I thought that no matter what, I would never take him back. Because it would be a mistake. People don’t change. I have tricked myself into believing he has changed a million times, and forgiven him, and stayed with him, and things always got bad again. I have finally gotten out of the cycle, why would I want to take the chance of getting back into that cycle? Why would I choose to trust him after he has been so untrustworthy? You will read this and think this is definitely a mistake. If you were here now, you would tell me not to do it, to run far away and never look back. I know. It seems like the typical abused woman still finding herself codependent on her abuser and taking him back, only to pick up right where things left off.

But here’s the thing. No one has been here through it all with us. Sure people have an outsider’s perspective and think they can see what is going on, and yes, everyone has their opinion about it. And their opinion on what I should do does not match what I am about to do. I see where they are coming from. But after being apart for 20 days, after being pretty much unable to communicate for 20 days, after thinking and believing it was over for 20 days, we have both changed. But people don’t change right? So why do I believe we have changed? Because we actually changed 5 years ago. Both of us actually turned into completely different people right after we got married. I mean we never really changed. That isn’t the right word. We forgot who we were. We got so wrapped up in the whirlwind of accidentally getting pregnant when we were young, before either of us had even decided if we ever even wanted kids at all. Then we got married. And thinking back, we didn’t get married just because I was pregnant. We really were crazy about each other. We loved each other, we smiled and laughed, and had fun with each other. We were crazy in love. But like I said, we got married and suddenly everything got so real all at once, suddenly we had all these responsibilities all at once, we forgot to be ourselves. We lived the next five years being who we thought we should be. The people we thought other people expected us to be.

Suddenly reality was so stressful. We were scared. We didn’t know what to do. So we both created diversions from the real world. He started smoking pot, which soon became an all day, every day habit. I had different diversions going on at different times in my life, ranging from completely throwing myself into schoolwork, to spending all my time on social networking sites all day every day, and forgetting to have a real life, to even getting caught up in fantasy romances over the internet. We didn’t connect anymore, but we put on happy faces in public, and around family. We were great at acting like a happy family. I think at times we even tricked ourselves into believing it. But the truth was, we hadn’t really been connecting throughout our entire marriage. Because we both quit being ourselves. We both distanced ourselves from each other, and from reality in general. We were both acting our way through life. And we didn’t like the person that the other person was acting like. We both had fallen in love with completely different people.

So now after 20 days. After feeling single again, independent from each other again, after getting attention from the opposite sex, but not really wanting it, we remembered who we were before the marriage. We remembered how to be the people that we fell in love with to begin with. We found our personalities again. We’ve gotten rid of our diversions. He has given up pot. I have given up the internet. We are going to be ourselves and live in reality again. We are going to live the life we have imagined.

Me, Myself, and I

So I've been living in my own house with my son for awhile now. Maybe just a bit longer than a week, but it seems longer because I have learned more about life, about myself, about parenting, and about my child than I have in years.

In my past life, and I am referring to my life on the lake with my husband, I really could not grasp the idea that money couldn't buy happiness, that it didn't matter what you did or did not have. Now I've found that it doesn't matter. We flaunted our money. I understand now that we did that because something vital to being happy was missing. Money was all we had. Because of money, it looked like we had the perfect life, and that appearance was enough for me for a long time. I always wondered what people would think of me if I didn't have that much. The money. The lifestyle. I took pride in living an upper middle class lifestyle in times of economic hardship. And I wondered what I would do if I had to drop into the middle class, or even the lower middle class. I thought that being without money would make me a failure at life. That it would  make me feel like white trash.

Yet here I am. I didn't have time to grab much before I left the house three weeks ago. My son and I have a suitcase of clothes. We can wash all our laundry together and it can be done in one load. We have barely enough furniture to live here. Going grocery shopping is far different than it used to be. Instead of grabbing everything I want and throwing it in the cart, I have to think of what we need for meals for the two of us, and a few snacks. Our refrigerator is nearly empty, our cupboards are almost bare. My son has only a few toys, and a few books. Somehow, the material possessions that I always thought were so important? They're not. We are happy.

I cried nearly every day before I left. Sometimes for long periods of time. Now here I am with my life turned upside down, with very few possessions, alone, and I have barely shed a tear since we left. Not only that, but I don't feel like I'm acting my way through life anymore. I smile because I'm happy and not because I'm hiding how I really feel because I want people to think I'm happy. I smile more, I laugh more, and I am gaining confidence, and learning who I am a bit more each day. I'm feeling at ease with being me. People ask me how I'm doing with this sad sympathy in their tone, and I'm like, I'm fine, I'm great, really, you don't have to feel sorry for me.

My boy seems so much happier too. And without all of the depression, and the need to spend most all my time thinking about my own feelings, I have more time to understand him. To see things through his eyes. I am surprised by the fact that he seems to be taking this change as I am. He is happier, more well-behaved, and more loving. We sit down together for lunch and dinner. Something we seldom did in our past life. And he eats his food which he seldom did before. And he listens to me and behaves, which he seldom did before. He must see that I am happier. He must feel that there isn't tension in this house like there was in the last one. And kids don't care if they had nicer things before. They just want a happy environment in which to live. Every day my son sees me, a person who used to be weak and crippled by my unhealthy relationship, now feeling free. Doing things for myself. Taking charge of our lives and our situation. Nobody is doing this for me. I am doing it for myself. Do you know how many years I lived thinking there was no way I could function on my own? And now I am functioning better than we all functioned together as a family. My boy can finally see his mother as a strong woman.

My husband used to do everything for me, but I'm realizing more and more that 1) he wasn't doing it so much out of love, as he was doing it to make me feel helpless like I couldn't leave, and 2) that I don't actually want someone doing everything for me. If someone does everything for you, then what defines you? Nothing. That is why I never felt I knew who I was. Without doing anything, there are no accomplishments, no successes. Nothing to feel good or proud about. Just nothing.

I love a good challenge. And here I am being challenged every day. I'm overcoming obstacles and coming out the other side a better person. I have little successes every day. For example, I am living in an old house with a wood stove for heat. Everyone sees me as this tiny, pretty girl, and no one seemed to think I could handle wood heat. I probably barely weigh over 100 lbs at this point, but that isn't stopping me. Yes I have to get my ass outside and haul wood in. Yes I have to think about throwing logs on the fire so it doesn't go out. Yes I have to build fires usually a couple times a day because the fire did go out. And yes, I do have to chop logs into kindling. This is the part everyone was really afraid I couldn't do.

I chopped up wood for 3 hours straight yesterday and chopped a stack of kindling as tall as my boy. And as the time went on, I learned the best ways to do it, and I gained confidence in my abilities. I actually love swinging that ax. Doing something physically demanding all by myself. Confidence makes the job go easier. When you're chopping wood, the best way to do it is to swing the ax with everything you got, and then the wood just splits right in half, but if you fear the ax, it doesn't happen that way.Yes, my hands and fingers got smashed a few times and I have bruises to show for it, but I also did something that no one thought I could do. Something people think you should have a man do. Something people surely don't think a pretty little thing like me could ever man up and do.

This confirms the fact that I am, in fact, growing more and more independent every day. I am less materialistic, and I do things out of love for myself, out of love for my child. I no longer do things out of fear that my husband will be mad at me if I don't do things the way he wants them done. I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks but me. And that right there is the key. The key to feeling fan-fucking-tastic.

Close Quarters

I try to stay positive. I try to be optimistic about the future. I try to just not worry about things and let the future unfold as it will.

Then there are days like today. Right now I have to live life in the present, which isn't nearly as fun as fantasizing about the future.

The present sucks. I'm trying to be positive, but there's no way around the fact that things really kind of suck right now. My mom, stepdad, and 11 year old sister live in a small 2 bedroom house. Since I left my husband, my son and I have been living here also. I have been sleeping on the couch, and my boy has been sleeping on the floor in my sister's room. The most annoying thing is I have a 4 bedroom house rented just down the street, but I can't move in. I have paid my rent, but the house is just sitting over there empty.

When I left, since it was a case of domestic abuse, everyone said don't worry about your stuff, you can worry about that later, just pack a suitcase of what you need, and get out of there. So that is what I did. And I filed a restraining order, so my husband is not allowed to contact me or our son in any way until the 20th.

After being removed from the situation for a couple of weeks now, I am rethinking that restraining order. I want my furniture so I can move into my new house. I'm beginning to feel like maybe I overreacted. I feel bad that our son cannot even talk to his father on the phone. And I can't talk to my best friend. The one person willing and able to move my things for me. I know, it's completely messed up that I still feel like he's my best frind. After all he's done to me. It's not that he's a great friend, it's just that he's my only friend, and he has done everything for me for years. The truth is that he wasn't nice to me, he broke me down, controlled me, and scared me. But he also did everything for me. Abuse isseus aside, he really did do everything to take care of me and our household.

Now I'm 28 and I feel like an 18 year old moving out on my own for the first time. With a 5 year old. I don't know how to do things. I've never dealt with bills, or budgeted. I'm starting to miss the luxuries of home. I would really love my hot tub right now. I miss my cats. I miss the quiet neighborhood on the lake. I miss our beautiful home with real wood floors. I miss my pretty bright pink bathroom that I just painted not long ago. And as stupid as it may be, I miss him just a little.

It would be easier to move on if I could move off my mom's couch and have a little independence, but I kind of shot myself in the foot on that one. I now think that my husband would have helped me move in. Now he can't be within 1500 ft of me, our son, my house, or my car. Before he was served papers, he told me he would pack all my furniture and stuff into a trailer and have someone else come here and drop the trailer off yesterday or today. No one showed up yesterday, and I'm completely unable to contact him to see if that will happen today. I'm beginning to think there's no way it will happen. Because he is still trying to get me to come back to him. If he has my things, and I can't get them, then I might contact him to see where the fuck my stuff is, or maybe I would come back to him. Now those are just things I think might be going through his mind, definitely not mine, because at this point, I cannot trust a word the man says, and that makes me uncomfortable.

The close living quarters are beginning to wear on everyone in this house. And it seems silly that I have a whole house down the road, but I am just waiting for my stuff to magically appear so I can move in. I am going on a man's word. A man that I just said I cannot trust.

I forgot how to think for myself. I forgot how to deal with real life problems, and i lost all my real life friends. I still have friends in this town who would love to see me, be excited that I'm back, and probably help me in any way possible. But I've been hiding out. I haven't wanted to be seen in public. Because these people are no longer my kind of people. they are still partying and drinking, and hanging out in the one shitty little rundown bar in this town. I feel like I'm better than them, or maybe not better, but different, more complex. I'm not as simple as them. I'm not content with the kind of lifestyle they lead. I was made for greater things.

So I'm stuck without any furniture to move into my house. My mom thinks I'm stupid for believing that he might actually get it over here. Maybe I am, but I am just one tiny woman. How the hell am I supposed to move furniture and things by myself? If I'm going to live independently, I'm going to have to be a problem solver. I will have to solve real life problems like how to get my stuff moved, but right now I am at a loss.

The Art of War

Now is the time for war. I hate war. I much prefer to be civil. To keep a certain amount of peace. I do not like to fight dirty. I do not like to fight. I like to remain a peaceful person. This doesn't mean I don't know how to fight. Oh, I know how to fight, and I can fight with the best of them. I can play dirty. The point is that I don't like to. It isn't inherent to my nature. I enjoy peace, but I also recognize when it is necessary to go to war. When this happens, you had better hope you are not the one in opposition of me. I am very capable of destruction when necessity calls for it.

Now is the time to begin to plan for war. Destructive, brutal, callous, cutthroat, unrelenting war. Niccolo Machiavelli, who was known for aiming to deceive and manipulate others for personal advantage, once said "War is just when it is necessary; arms are permissible when there is no hope except in arms." At this point, this is how I feel. My husband is a master at manipulation, and now his mother is working to manipulate me as well. As much as I don't want to battle, I know now is the time. There is no hope except in arms, so to speak.

I've now realized that my husband will fight. He will fight me using any and every angle he can. Why? Because he thinks he owns me. He does not want to give me up. He wants to possess me. He wants to keep me. To keep control of me. He is consumed by this desire to attain what is now unattainable. Me. He is a fighter. And he feels entitled to what he wants.

"Whenever men are not obliged to fight from necessity, they fight from ambition; which is so powerful in human breasts, that it never leaves them no matter to what rank they rise. The reason is that nature has so created men that they are able to desire everything but are not able to attain everything: so that the desire being always greater than the acquisition, there results discontent with the possession and little satisfaction to themselves from it" -Niccolo Machiavelli

Machiavelli is often made to sound like a heartless, almost cold-hearted man. Maybe there is truth to that, but I also believe he had a way of seeing the flaws in mankind that others are too afraid to see, or too afraid to admit that they see.

The above quote does not just pertain to my husband's ambition and desire to attain me, but it also pertains to my ambition and desire to attain things too, though the things I desire are much more abstract. I desire to attain freedom, happiness, and possibilities for the future.

True war began yesterday on our son's 5th birthday. My husband and I still had a joint checking account which I assumed we would keep using at least until divorce papers were served. I just deposited $2000 of my money into  it on the 30th of September. On the 4th of October, before restraining order papers were served, before divorce papers were served (they still haven't been) get this, my MOTHER-IN-LAW withdrew over $1500 to start my husband a new checking account. Then yesterday closed the account entirely and took the remaining money in it, which was over $600. When I opened my new checking account, I only withdrew $200 to do it. I was never going to try to financially ruin him. Apparently his mother wanted to ruin me though. She basically stole $2000 from me. She has been listed on our bank account because she was on my husband's account when we got married, and I just never thought it was a big enough deal to remove her from our account.

Here's where the manipulation comes in though. I have been avoiding contact with my husband because all he does is tries to convince me to come back to him. I'm sure he was in on this bank account thing with his mother. Obviously he was since they started a new account for him. But I've realized something. This wasn't just about taking my money. It was a ploy, and one I fell right into. I have been ignoring every text, every phone call, every attemp on his part to contact me. When i found out about the bank account, I was so furious that I called to bitch at him. In hindsight, that is exactly what he wanted. He then had the opportunity to try to talk me into coming back once again. He didn't succeed in that, but he did succeed in upsetting me further. So i walked right into his trap.

From now on, I need to keep one step ahead of him. I need to scrutinize his moves and understand exactly why he is doing what he is doing, because believe me, everything he does at this point is a manipulation and has a ulterior motive behind it. It is time that I start playing my part in this war. He knows very well what he is doing every step of the way. Now I need to know not only what he is doing and why, but I must know what I am doing every step of the way and be very careful and thoughtful and methodical about it. Going back to Machiavelli, I need to stop proceeding with emotion, and instead proceed with thought, logic, and force. After all, one "...must determine all the injuries that he will need to inflict. He must inflict them once and for all."


War really is an art. It requires thought, planning, and precision. I haven't been fighting the war very well. I have disclosed much too much of the truth. And I have proceeded according to feelings and emotion rather than rational thought. But now I am ready. I am ready to to go to war. I am ready to plan my strategy and keep it secret until the moment a move must be made. Then I will be able to make that move with full force while the enemy is unguarded. It is time to fight dirty.

"No proceeding is better than that which you have concealed from the enemy until the time you have executed it. To know how to recognize an opportunity in war, and take it, benefits you more than anything else." -Niccolo Machiavelli 

What Now?

I feel sick. I can't stop shaking and I feel like throwing up. I just paid for 6 months rent. It's real. It's all real now. I will be uprooting my son and my cats and relocating them. I am leaving the life of luxury on the lake and moving into a small, old rental house with ugly shag carpeting.

I had a restraining order issued against my husband so not only will he be unable to contact me, but I will also be unable to contact the one person who has been a constant in my life for 5 1/2 years. No, he wasn't always nice to me, but he was there. Part of me wants to run back to him, and the safety of my little cage. But I know that I can't. And that makes me slightly ill.

So I ask myself what now? How do I go about rebuilding my entire life? I'm terrified. I've never lived alone, and yes, I have a little boy, but I have always had roommates or boyfriends, or husbands living with me. I will have a house to take care of by myself.

How will I take care of wood heat, shovel snow, rake leaves, mow the lawn? I've never done these things. I had a man to do the man's work for me. I have so much to learn, and at the same time I will be adjusting to my completely different life. There will be no one holding me at night, tucking my child into bed with me at night. There will be no shoulder to cry on, and I'm sure there will be crying.

This is it. This is what starting over feels like.

The Great Escape

Well, I left my "home." Yesterday my husband had taken my computer and cell phone away from me. I sat around all day wondering what I was doing. I felt like I was in prison. My son was already in Libby, where my mom and in-laws live. He was with my mother-in-law at the time. I felt so much like a caged animal I just started driving, and while I was driving, I realized I could be driving away from the nightmare. Away from my prison. I turned around and went back to the house to start packing a few things I needed to escape to my mom's house.

My husband came home from work for a few minutes and found out what I was doing. He gave me my computer and phone back in an attempt to get me to stay. He insisted that if I left, I would never see my son again. He insisted that my parents said I wasn't a good mother and they had already called child protective services about me. He promised that my parents were against me and he was the only one I could trust. He had been playing this head game with me for awhile.

Finally it was clear to me. I had no idea at that point who to trust, but I knew I couldn't stay. I had to take a leap of faith. I had to block everyone else out and listen to me. Something I have not done in a long time. I packed my things and got in my car to leave. I still wasn't sure where I was even going to go, but I was ready. I wasn't staying no matter what.

I got in my car to leave, and realized he had stolen and hidden my car keys. I called him and he knew he had to tell me where they were, so he did. He had hidden them in our barbecue grill. I got in the car and drove. I talked to my mom and stepdad and realized they were on my side. They were so happy and proud that I finally found the strength to leave. So I drove to their house. On the way I thought of a million things I forgot, but I'll deal with that later. I was driving myself toward freedom.

Today was stressful in the morning. I needed to regain possession of my son, and my mother-in-law was hesitant to give him back. He is the most important thing to me through all of this. I can't lose my son. Finally she gave him up, but we still don't have his overnight stuff from her. We will have to somehow get it from her today.

 But now I am finally the one calling the shots, making the decisions for my life. I have a rental house ready down the road from here, but I'm not sure when or how I will get my furniture and things over here. It doesn't matter for now. I am away from the deranged man who said he loved me, but held me prisoner in my own home. You would never understand the nightmare I just lived through.

It's far from over. He will be served with a restraining order within the next few days that should not only protect me, but our son as well for 20 days. Now I'm not all for keeping a father away from his son. In fact it makes me sad, but it's something I have to do for now so he can't use our son against me anymore. He will use anything he can against me at this point and I cannot trust him.

It isn't easy. I'm nervous and stressed out. Everything comfortable and familiar in my life is gone. I have a million questions about how things will go from here, but I'll figure it out. One step at a time, and I have gotten through the hardest step. Leaving the nightmare behind. That is all that matters at this point. I am free. And that in itself feels good.

I am finally free.