The Beginning

Today was extremely hard for me. I'm still nervous and shaking, and telling myself I'm doing the right thing for me and my boy. The easy part of my life is over. Next comes the hard part, and I'm hoping after that will come the happy part.

Today I took my boy to school, then met with my lawyer. Things are about to happen real quick now and I have to know that I'm strong enough to handle it. I filed for a restraining order today. It will go before the judge tomorrow, and if granted (which it should be) it will be served to my husband within 48 hours. Next week, divorce papers will also be served. I will be ambushing him which I feel so bad about, but I did try first just to tell him that I wanted a divorce and was going to leave. I've told him a few different times but he will not let me leave. There is no way he will let me leave amicably. After the restraining order is served he will have a short amount of time to gather what he needs and not return to this house, or anywhere near me for 20 days. He will be ordered not to contact me in any way either.

I will be moving my stuff to my house 2 hours away in these 20 days. I have no idea what my husband will be doing. It is extremely difficult to be so cold-hearted. That is why I've stayed as long as I have. I have stayed for him. Now I want my turn to be happy. I deserve it. As much as he doesn't deserve to be destroyed this way, I don't deserve to be held captive in an abusive relationship either. There will be times very soon where I am going to feel like the worst person in the entire world, and the truth is that there is a chance he will kill himself. I can't stop him from that happening. It would be a decision he would make, and would not be my fault. I just have to remember that.

I know this is just the beginning of a battle that will pretty much destroy me emotionally and financially. I will have to stay strong and look toward the future and know I am doing what I need to do no matter how unpleasant. I hope I can come out the other side stronger and happier. I need to. If not for myself, then for my son.

I HAVE to do it? But can I?

Wish me strength.

The Right Decision

Well, leaving someone after 5 1/2 years is never easy. But I know for absolute certain that I am making the right decision. Abuse issues aside, I just am happier without him. I've stayed with my mom for two nights and I have been happier than I have been for a long time. And as cold hearted as it may sound, I really have no interest in what or how my husband is doing without me. I have no interest in talking to him. He has been calling crying about how much he misses me, and he's upset that I've been ignoring his phone calls, but I just wanted to enjoy myself for my couple of days of freedom. Talking to him puts me in a bad mood.

I dread going back. I feel like I will be going back to prison. It is so emotionally stressful to be there, especially with him being the complete mess that he is now. Because I have to try to comfort him, but he can see right through it because I no longer care. I have already moved on in my mind. I have signed a lease and paid the security deposit for my new house, and will be seeing my lawyer tomorrow. I've opened my own separate bank account. I'm really doing it this time.

Reality is Setting in

For those of you who don't know, I'm out of town at my mom's house trying to find a place to live. I think I've found a 4 bedroom rental home that I like, and hopefully I'll be signing the lease today. This scares me. It brings the reality that I am really leaving into my mind. Once a house is rented, everything will be set in motion, and I won't be able to stop it. Not that I want to stop it. I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do. The only option left for me and my boy to live a happy life. My chance at freedom.

Yesterday I was high on the freedom. I was actually me again. I was excited. I could taste the freedom. I had fun talking to old friends that I haven't been allowed to talk to for years. I laughed and smiled more yesterday than I have in a long time.

However, at night reality set in, and I started thinking What the hell am I doing?! I know I'm doing the right thing. It has to be now. I can't do it any longer, but it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I'm sure I'll always question whether I did the right thing or not.

I survived the sudden death of my father when I was 18. that was the most emotionally taxing thing I ever went through until now. When that happened I thought I'd never get through it. That I would just die of heartache. So I feel if I got through that, and I'm still alive, I can get through this. At times it may feel like I'm going to die of heartache, but life goes on. It has to.

I'm not much in the mood for writing anymore, so...

To be continued. Maybe.

Update: I got approved for the house. I will be signing the lease today. Exciting and scary at the same time!

Thanks for reading.

I Hate the Way You Lie

Eminem - Love the Way You Lie Lyrics

just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that’s alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
that’s alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie

i can’t tell you what it really is
i can only tell you what it feels like
and right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
i can’t breathe but i still fight while i can fight
as long as the wrong feels right it’s like i’m in flight
high off of love drunk from my hate
it’s like i’m huffin’ paint and i love it the more i suffer, i suffocate
and right before i’m about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin’ hates me
and i love it, wait, where you goin’?
i’m leavin’ you, no you ain’t come back
we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap
whose that dude? i don’t even know his name
i laid hands on her
i never stoop so low again
i guess i don’t know my own strength

[chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 2]
you ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
got that warm fuzzy feeling
yeah them chills used to get em
now you’re getting fuckin’ sick of lookin’ at em
you swore you’d never hit em, never do nothin’ to hurt em
now you’re in each other’s face spewin’ venom in your words when you spit em
you push pull each other’s hair
scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
so lost in the moments when you’re in em
it’s the face that’s the culprit, controls ya both,
so they say it’s best to go your seperate ways
guess that they don’t know ya
cause today that was yesterday
yesterday is over, it’s a different day
sound like broken records playin’ over
but you promised her next time you’ll show restraint
you don’t get another chance
life is no nintendo game, but you lied again,
now you get to watch her leave out the window
guess that’s why they call it window pane

[Chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 3]
now i know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean
and we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
but your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me
when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me
maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
all i know is i love you too much to walk away though
come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?
told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
next time i’m pissed ill aim my fist at the drywall
next time there won’t be no next time
i apologize even though i know its lies
i’m tired of the games i just want her back
i know i’m a liar if she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again
i’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire



Today I wonder how many people get these lyrics. I mean really feel them with every part of their being, because they have been living this nightmare for years. I get it. And you know what? I used to believe the lies. I no longer do. This time these lies, this manipulation is going in one ear, and out the other, so to speak. Everything has changed since I have discovered what is really going on here. I tried to give him the courtesy of telling him I am leaving instead of just disappearing one day, but that won't work. I have a problem with being transparent to him. He can usually always look in my eyes and see what I'm thinking and feeling. Because he has studied me for years. So he knew that I was still planning on leaving.

He has made me promise that I'm not leaving, and I hate that because I'm an extremely honest person, and as a general rule, I don't make promises that I don't intend to keep. But this situation is an exception. I understand that we're now playing a mind game, and I can be very manipulative when I want to be. I usually try not to be. But this is a dangerous mind game, and I've decided that I have to be strong now. I'm the only one who can rescue myself from this situation. Two can play at this game. I have to plan each move, being very careful that he doesn't find out what I'm doing. I have to be the best actress of my life right now. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. The more I can convince him I'm sorry for thinking of leaving, and all I want is to stay with him, the less he'll study me and what I'm up to.

His weapon is powerful. Before I gave in and started acting like I love him again, he mindfucked me nonstop for about 24 hours straight. he got me from every angle, even new ones he's never used before.

• Apologizing endlessly and promising that he'll really change this time, that he'll love me the way I deserve to be loved if I give him "just one more chance"
• buying me gifts like flowers and leaving me love notes
• Making me feel selfish for wanting to leave and destroy our family
• Making me feel sorry for him saying he knows he's not as good-looking as me, not as smart as me, that he wouldn't want to be married to himself
• promising me no one could ever love me as much as he does
• Trying to alienate me from the only confidante I have left (my mom) by saying he's talked to her and she has said really bad things about me
• Telling me that my mom is just trying to convince me to leave him for her personal benefit.
• Telling me that something is wrong with me, I'm not thinking straight
• Telling me this is all because I'm bipolar
• Making me feel guilty for wanting to turn our child's life upside down
• telling me this is all my fault, that I have driven him to do the things he's done
• Telling me to remember the good times, how happy we were at our wedding, how he held my hand when our child was born, etc.
• Screaming in my face to intimidate me 
• crying, begging and pleading
• Telling my mom that he takes pictures of the house when it's messy to prove I'm not a good mother
• Telling our child that Mommy doesn't love Daddy anymore and that I want to take him away from home, away from Daddy
• Getting my child to say he wants to stay with Daddy, he doesn't want to be with me
• threatening to kill himself
• punching a hole in the bathroom door
• Yelling and screaming at me in front of our child until he cries and I'll say anything to make him stop
• tricking me by telling me he'll let me go if that will make me happy because he would do anything to make me happy, and then starting the mindfuck all over again when I say I want to leave
• telling me I don't have enough money to leave and he'll be so depressed if I leave he'll get fired and won't even have money to pay me child support
• Telling me I must be on the wrong medications, no one can decide to get divorced that quickly (even though I tried to divorce him last year and have wanted to ever since.)
• Making me feel bad that I could never give our child as good of a life as he has here when we're all together

I think I could go on forever. He kept doing this nonstop until I was almost at that giving up point again. That point where my head is spinning, my mind so confused and upside down that I don't know what I should do. That's how good he is at this game. But he's not getting me this time. I'm fighting back even though it doesn't look like it. I told him I'm sorry, I was wrong. I want our marriage to work, I want to be with him forever. I've been smiling at him, telling him how much I love him, so he'll leave me alone long enough to find a place to live, talk to my lawyer, get a restraining order, secretly pack some things we'll need, take pictures of the valuable things we have that he might destroy, and plan my escape. I'll have to just disappear one day with our son. Only way it can be done. I didn't want to do it that way, but I am being held captive so I need to flee.

At one point while all this fighting was going on, I got scared of him and locked myself in my bathroom and talked to him through the door. He punched a hole in the bathroom door.

Yes, this is exactly the size of his fist. This is not okay. This man is literally twice my size. 6'0" and 190lbs. I'm 5'4" and 105lbs.

On the other hand, the thought of leaving scares me. This life is all I've known for 5 1/2 years. I've never been away from him for more than a few days a year here and there. This will end my life as I know it, and yes, much of it has been a nightmare, but there were good times too. I have to put that out of my mind for now for self-preservation. if not for me, for my sweet little boy who he has now put in the middle of this terrible mess.

Domestic Abuse

I have never wanted to admit to myself that I am in an abusive relationship. I mean, I always thought of domestic abuse and envisioned this dumb, white trash woman. No, it can happen to anyone. Perhaps people in higher social classes are better at hiding it, or people are less likely to assume they are being abused. I mean we look like the average American family with a wonderful, loving life, but that's because I'm a fabulous actress. I always thought appearances were more important than the truth. If we appeared to be a strong, happy family, and no one saw what happened behind closed doors, everything would be okay. Well, as shocked as everyone around us will be, I'm standing up. I'm not living with this shit anymore. I'm better than this. I used to be a strong woman who didn't take shit from anyone. Guess what? I'm back.

So you're all wondering, did he beat me? No, not really, but he has used physical force, restrained me while screaming in my face that he wanted to "beat the fuck out of me," left bruises, choked me, and bit me, not to mention threats with guns. We literally have somewhere around 20 guns in this house, most of them loaded. Most of the abuse has been emotional though, and I'm in the middle of psychological warfare right now. He scared the shit out of me trying to kill himself, and I told him that was really fucked up and not at all okay. So I woke up to flowers, a note going on about how sorry he is, and how if I just give him one more chance he can make me happy. That it will never happen again. Do you know how many "one more chances" he's had? 5 1/2 years worth. He was doing this from the beginning, and this time I'm not falling for it. I've seen it a million times before.

So what makes an intelligent, attractive woman like me stay with someone like that? He's really good at what he does. An expert at psychological warfare. He has convinced me over and over that I did somethimg wrong that put him in a rage, but he was sorry, and it would never happen again. It's easier to keep telling yourself to believe than it is to convince yourself to leave. You start to believe it all. I can't really even explain it that well, but it happens, and let me tell you, it is hard to escape from. There's an edless cycle that consumes you.
It goes like this:

Emotional abuse (also called psychological abuse or mental abuse) can include humiliating the victim privately or publicly, controlling what the victim can and cannot do, withholding information from the victim, deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed, isolating the victim from friends and family, implicitly blackmailing the victim by harming others when the victim expresses independence or happiness, or denying the victim access to money or other basic resources and necessities.

Emotional/verbal abuse is defined as any behavior that threatens, intimidates, undermines the victim’s self-worth or self-esteem, or controls the victim’s freedom. This can include threatening the victim with injury or harm, telling the victim that they will be killed if they ever leave the relationship, and public humiliation. Constant criticism, name-calling, and making statements that damage the victim’s self-esteem are also common forms of emotional abuse. Often perpetrators will use children to engage in emotional abuse by teaching them to harshly criticize the victim as well. Emotional abuse includes conflicting actions or statements which are designed to confuse and create insecurity in the victim. These behaviors also lead the victim to question themselves, causing them to believe that they are making up the abuse or that the abuse is their fault.

Emotional abuse includes forceful efforts to isolate the victim, keeping them from contacting friends or family. This is intended to eliminate those who might try to help the victim leave the relationship and to create a lack of resources for them to rely on if they were to leave. Isolation results in damaging the victim’s sense of internal strength, leaving them feeling helpless and unable to escape from the situation.

People who are being emotionally abused often feel as if they do not own themselves; rather, they may feel that their significant other has nearly total control over them. Women or men undergoing emotional abuse often suffer from depression, which puts them at increased risk for suicide, eating disorders, and drug and alcohol abuse.


Physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.

Physical abuse includes hitting, slapping, punching, choking, pushing, and other types of contact that result in physical injury to the victim. Physical abuse can also include behaviors such as denying the victim of medical care when needed, depriving the victim of sleep or other functions necessary to live, or forcing the victim to engage in drug/alcohol use against his/her will. It can also include inflicting physical injury onto other targets, such as children or pets, in order to cause psychological harm to the victim.

The Cycle of Abuse has three phases: tension building, explosion and honeymoon. Each phase might be as short as a few seconds, or as long as several years. Over time, the honeymoon phase may get smaller and shorter as the explosions become more violent and dangerous. Relationships often start in the honeymoon phase. This can make it especially confusing and scary when the explosion phase happens for the first time.

Explosion There is an outburst of abuse that can include physical, sexual, verbal and/or emotional abuse. The abuser may: • Physically abuse you by hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, etc. • Scream and yell in a way that scares or humiliates you. • Rape or force you to go further sexually than you want to. • Threaten to hurt you.
Tension Building Things start to get tense in the relationship. You may feel like: •You have to tip-toe around your boyfriend or girlfriend so you don’t make them mad. • You can’t do anything right and that you’re getting blamed for things. • The person you’re with is always trying to start arguments or fights with you.		Honeymoon During this stage, the abuser will try and make you forgive and forget whatever just happened in the Explosion phase. They might do this by: • Saying “I love you.” • Apologizing and promising that it will never happen again. • Buying you flowers or other gifts. • Saying that you did something to cause the abuse or blames the explosion on other things, like being drunk or stressed out.

So, yeah, this is how my marriage has went. I mean, exactly. There's no denying it now. I've been stuck in an abusive relationship, and I'm still there, getting flowers and all the bullshit. I can only plan my escape now. It's not easy. I can't just go. He won't let me. I've told him I don't love him anymore, that I don't want to be with him anymore, that I don't want this life, that I want a divorce, but he still thinks he can convince me to stay and he'll do anything he can to try. This makes the situation a bit scary because if he finds that nothing he tries in order to get me to stay works, then I can't say what he might resort to. So I'm carefully planning with this in mind. He can't be here when I go. That's how crimes of passion happen. That's how women like me get killed. Think I'm being over dramatic about it? You're not here. You have no idea the living nightmares I've endured throughout the years. You have no idea how scared I have been of this man.

If there was ever a time to stand up and be strong, now is the time, and I'm keeping that in mind. His mind games are not working this time. Every effort he makes just reaffirms the fact that I am in an abusive relationship. The flowers make me sick. The whole thing does.

I have an appointment with my divorce attorney. As much as I hate it there, I'm going to have to temporarily move back to the town where I went to high school. It's 2 hours from here, and my mom, stepdad and sister live there, along with my in-laws. I wanted to stay around here to keep everything as normal as possible for my son, but under these circumstances, I don't believe it's safe to stay in this area alone. I have been so isolated, I don't know anyone, and it's in the middle of nowhere, so 911 response time is at least a half hour, if not an hour. I could be dead by then. So my mom is looking for a house for me, and I'm just trying to figure out how to leave here with my boy safely.

Wish me luck.

Bad Situation

Well, so much for "biding my time." I never have been good at waiting, but more importantly, I have never been good at keeping secrets, and this one was eating at me. I mean I decided I definitely no longer want to be with my husband and he was being all nice to me and trying to hold me and cuddle with me. I didn't want him to. It was too hard knowing I was about to destroy this man's life. Take everything that means anything to him away from him. I broke down and started crying when he was trying to hold me when we went to bed, and he knows me well, so he started asking me what was wrong, and he jumped right to the answer. I believe these were his words:

"What's wrong?"
"You don't love me anymore?"
"What?"
"Do you want to get divorced? Is that it?"

Well, I'm a terrible liar, so what could I say? He hit the nail on the head.

He was upset to say the least. Not surprised, but upset. He cried, begged, pleaded, and worked himself up into a complete frenzy. It was really inconvenient that I had already taken my bedtime medication which is a mix of pills strong enough to knock out a person twice my size, so while he just had this divorce thing sprung on him, I couldn't manage to be anything but calm, out of it, and falling asleep. Though he did manage to keep me awake for most of the night.

He started going on about killing himself. He had nothing to live for. He kept telling me to promise to take good care of his boy. We've been through this before. He used to head outside with a handgun, and I would wait, not knowing whether I would hear a gunshot and discover my husband's dead body with his brains splattered on the ground, or whether he would eventually come back in. Most of the time I would take back whatever made him say he was going to kill himself, apologize, and beg him not to do it. This time was different though. I was in a drugged up, half asleep daze when I saw a pill bottle in his hand. Before I could do anything, he gulped down the entire contents. A month supply of Methadone. For those of you who don't know, Methadone is a opiate prescribed to heroin addicts. Yes, he is a recovering heroin addict. He was just getting clean when I started seeing him. Technically, it wasn't heroin exactly. It was oxycontin, which is pretty much synthetic heroin when you slam it like he did. When i first started seeing him, he had such bad track marks that he wouldn't go anywhere without a long-sleeved shirt.

Anyway, back to the story. As soon as I saw him take an entire bottle of Methadone I freaked out and told him I was calling 911. That's when I realized my phone was gone, along with my computer, and the landline phone. I begged him to tell me where they were, but he wouldn't.

He started getting high and weird. He got really calm and matter of fact about the fact that he was about to die. He told me he was doing it for me. Since he would have nothing left to live for if I left, he said it would be better for me if he died so I could have everything. He said he was going to OD and die because he loved me so much that he wanted it to be as easy for me as possible, and this way I wouldn't need a lawyer, we wouldn't need to fight about it or get divorced, and I would have everything.

I kept asking him where my phone was, but he wasn't telling. I started telling him how important it was for his son to have a father. he kept telling me to take good care of our son, and make sure he knew that his daddy loved him. All the while, time was ticking away until he would be dead. I kept searching for where he might have hidden my phone, but had no luck. He kept on about how he loved me so much that he was sacrificing himself for me.

Then he got sick and threw up the pills.

Well, then he was going to shoot himself. He was pleading and pleading for one more chance, and I kept trying to say no, I'm done, but I wasn't ready for him to kill himself. So I caved. I told him i would give him another chance. I lied. I can't give him another chance. I'm dying to escape.

So I'm back to where I was. Lying to him, telling him that I love him and want to stay, until I figure out a plan to leave. I actually do think that he really will kill himself when I go. For real. That is part of what has kept me here for so long. But if he decides to kill himself, I can't hold myself responsible for that. The best thing I can do is make sure my boy and I are not around when it happens.

Game Over

It's over. I'm done. I've spent 5 1/2 years living my life for someone else. I'm not going to do it any more. I officially want a divorce. I've wanted to get divorced for at least a year, but I was too afraid to hurt him. But you know what? It's not the fifties anymore. I don't have to stay with him and let him condescend me every day of my life. The other day my 4 year old said "Mom, Dad is the boss of me and the boss of you." I told him that he wasn't the boss of me. You know what he said? "But Dad gets mad at you a lot." True. He has been the boss of me. I've been tiptoeing around him, trying not to upset him for 5 1/2 years. I can't do it anymore. Even if I wanted to, I can't

Part of me would like to ignore that he is controlling my life. There's something comfortable about a man you've been with for 5 1/2 years. Someone you've known since high school. The father of your child. The man that held your hand through labor and a c-section. The man who has held you and told you everything would be okay when you were scared. He smells like comfort, he feels like comfort, but somehow he's not comforting at all. When something is going wrong in my life, he makes everything worse. He always makes me feel worse. Like I'm stupid. Like everything is my fault. Like I shouldn't care so much about the things I care about. He's not a terrible husband, but he just doesn't understand me. And I don't understand him. We will never understand each other.

I've made up my mind. This time I am leaving for real. I don't need to have everything planned out. I don't have to know exactly what I will do, or how things will go. I just need to know that I can't stay here and be happy.

I know it's the right thing to do because as much as the thought of leaving and starting all over scares me, It also makes me feel excited and relieved. It will be hard. There's no doubt about that. It will most likely be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but once it's done and over with, I can get on with my life.

I was never done dreaming of the things I wanted to do in my life. I've always dreamed big. I never wanted to be just a housewife. That's just not me at all. I want to go back to school. I want to go to school to be an orthopedic physician's assistant. A step up from a nurse practitioner, and a step below a doctor. I loved x-rays. I went to radiography school for a year, but I loved orthopedics the most. As an orthopedic PA I would see patients, read x-rays, and assist an orthopedic surgeon in surgeries. I know I can do it. I've always wanted to. I aced Anatomy and Physiology class when most students struggled, and many dropped the class. I studied cadavers and learned every bone, every muscle, every artery and vein. I rocked at radiography. As a student, I worked as well as many of the techs after 1 year. I even taught them tips and tricks I figured out. They hated that. They hated me. I could do their job just as well, or better than them. I ran x-ray equipment in surgeries. I learned venipuncture, and patients loved me. I once had a woman thank me and give me a hug after I gave her a barium enema. Haha. What a crazy world. I'd love to be back in that crazy world. Medicine is my thing, and orthopedics is definitely my favorite. I've never been able to move to go to school because of my husband's job. We live in the middle of nowhere. And while it may seem like paradise, I'm dying to escape.

I haven't told him yet. You can't just spring a divorce on your husband of 5 1/2 years right before his birthday, or right before what is perhaps the biggest, most important work week of his career. And then my boy's birthday is on October 6th. I can't turn his world upside down right before his birthday. So for now I am biding my time, but I know, I am certain, that this life is not what I want. I dream of so much more. Finding a career well suited to me, and maybe even someday finding that man who makes my life feel whole. Someone who understands me, or at least tries. Someone who could make me feel better about things rather than worse. Of course before I do that, I'm going to have to remember who I am. I can't wait to be me again. I was a great, fun person. I want to be that person again, and the only way is to leave this life behind.

Everything will be okay. I'm not the first woman in history to leave my husband and take care of my 5 year old son by myself. Women do it all the time. But it takes strength, courage, and confidence. I can do it, and eventually it should make everyone's lives better. I can find what I'm looking for. My son won't grow up with fighting parents. My husband can find someone who is happy with this life, happy with him. Of course that is the best case scenario, but I'm finding I'm becoming a bit more optimistic every day.

It Isn't Me

It isn't just me. For those of you who follow my blog, you may remember my recent post Maybe It's Me. For those of you who don't, you're more than welcome to read it. Anyway, I've been dissatisfied with my marriage for a long time, but I never know why. I've struggled with the thought that maybe it's just me, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm incapable of being happy with anyone.

I don't think that's the case, and I don't think my marriage will stand the test of time. I've tried to think of every way possible to convince myself that this is what I want. I mean, who wouldn't want a man that is completely devoted to you, a life of luxury, a solid family? But I'm starting to face the undeniable, but scary truth. It isn't meant to be. No matter how great my life may seem, it just isn't who I am. I am living my husband's life. He is in control of me. He is the one who manipulates our relationship to make me feel like there's something wrong with me, and that I'm not strong enough, not smart enough, not sane enough to ever get by without him. And I believe him. Most of the time I believe him. So I go about living his life. Being the person he wants me to be. I've done it so long now, I barely remember who I used to be. But I know I wasn't a woman who would let a man control me. How did this happen? How did I let him take complete control of my life? 

I didn't see that it was happening. At first I needed someone. I wanted someone to tell me what to do because my dad died, and without him I didn't have a clue what I should do, or who I should be. He was always my moral compass. I let people make me feel like a failure because I never finished anything I started, but you know what? I never finished any of those things because they weren't right for me. I really think what I need to do is trust my own judgment a little more. I fucked up a lot when I was young, so I believed that it was better to let someone else decide what I should or shouldn't do. I thought that if I were in charge of my own life, I would destroy it. I've been told all my life that I have these psychological problems, and I have let them control my life. I don't need to do that. I'm aware of them, and I'm intelligent enough to reason with myself. I don't need someone else telling me how to live my life.

When I started dating my husband, I was straight out of a psychiatric hospital. While I was at the hospital, I had a team of professionals telling me what to do, and that was comforting for awhile not having to deal with the whole world all by myself. So when I got out, I just attached myself to this man, and let him tell me what to do, who to be. 

I should have known. I see the clues in hindsight. The red flags. At the ages of 21 and 22, I considered myself a professional bar-goer. I was a social butterfly at bars. I was a flirt, but that didn't mean I was easy. I liked the power. I knew how to get guys to buy me drinks and then ditch them. I knew how to get the hottest guy in the bar to go home with me. I knew how to get every man's phone number in the bar. I toyed with men. They were my playthings. They were my hobby. Yes, I was a player. I wasn't nice about it, but as a beautiful woman, you get away with it. I knew men, and I knew how to get anything I wanted from them. So how did I let this man take control of my life?

One of the first times we went to the bar together, I did my usual thing. I saw some other guys, and talked to them, and asked if they wanted to play a game of pool. With me and my date, my future husband. In my mind, there was no harm in it. I wasn't hitting on them, but I used to be a social person, and I liked interacting with other people. My future husband however, who I should add, was not even my "boyfriend" at this point was very upset by it and made me feel like I was just being a drunk slut. But I let it go. I should have let him go right there. It was ridiculous if you ask me, but how was I supposed to know? How was I supposed to know that he was so insecure about himself that he would lock me up in this house in the middle of nowhere and make it impossible for me to have friends, or even to keep the friends I had. He wants ALL my attention. He wants me to act like no one exists in this world but him, because he has always been so afraid that he would lose me.

Seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is. It truly is. It's not just me. It's the fact that I know in the back of my mind that he is not "the one" for me. Because he won't let me be me. I was a strong woman who didn't let anyone tell me what to do. I was able to make friends everywhere I went. I enjoyed talking to people, and yes, being a bit of a flirt. But I never understood why he would care if I was a tiny bit of a flirt. Why is it so bad to have a beautiful woman on your arm who you know is all yours, and have other guys wish they could have her. Wish they could be you. If I were a guy I think I would feel good about that.

I have spent years of my life creating the perfect life with this man. We have everything we could ever desire. Except each others love, respect, and admiration. We don't have fun together. We don't laugh together. When I'm upset, he makes me feel worse. When he's stressed out, I make him feel more stressed out. We don't complement each other. We don't fit. We never will. 

Time is ticking. I know I can't live this way forever. i feel more oppressed every day. I can't even get up to use the bathroom without him interrogating me about where I'm going. He doesn't trust me. He never has. Because he doesn't feel that a woman like me could ever love a man like him. The sad thing is that I could have if he would give up his control over me. If he would give me the freedom to be me. I'm not the cheating type. I would never have cheated on him, probably would never leave him if he let me be me. If he let me have my freedom. Now we'll never know. Because I know that I can't and won't do this forever.

Does that mean I'm packing up, divorcing him and leaving immediately? No. It's much more complicated than that to destroy a man that I do care about, and tear apart a seemingly loving family. I'm loyal to a fault. He doesn't deserve to be left. He doesn't deserve to have his whole life destroyed, but what about me? I've let my life be destroyed for almost 6 years now. When is it my turn to be an adult? To have my freedom? I don't know. Will it be 6 months? A year? 10 years? Your guess is as good as mine, but someday I deserve to go on and try to find someone who will like me for who I am. Someone who will let me be me. It WILL destroy him. I am in a no-win situation. If I stay, I sacrifice my happiness. If I go, I live with the guilt of destroying his happiness, and psychologically messing up my child.

The problem is complex now though. I'm institutionalized. I've let someone tell me what to do and who to be for nearly 6 years. I'm afraid of not having that. It's so messed up, because as much as it drives me crazy, at this point I've lost sight of who I am. What I want. I'm afraid that I no longer know how to be me. But I will figure it out someday. I can't keep doing this. Why imprison yourself when you could be free? It's not just the typical marriage stuff. I've tried and tried to convince myself that it is because you know what? If this marriage could work out, that would make my life a million times easier. But in the back of my mind I know it's just a matter of time. It won't work out. I can't do this forever. I have gotten sad, and negative, and cynical. And I used to be easy-going and idealistic. I was. Can I find that strong, amazing woman inside of me again? I damn sure hope so, because I've come too far, I've survived too much to end up this way. Barely more than a slave. 

The truth is hard to face. Life is not always easy. In fact, it rarely is. At some point I will have to destroy my family to save me, and that makes me feel like the worst person in the world, but I can't fight it forever. I can't give up my happiness for other people forever. And I can't be happy in this situation. With this man who I love dearly. Such a sad situation.

A Libra Family

I'm not sure exactly where I stand on astrology. Do I believe in it? Do I think it's a bunch of crap? I've never decided. I DO think it is interesting sometimes though.


I somehow ended up with a Libra family. My husband's birthday is September 25th, my birthday is October 5th, and my son's birthday is October 6th. So what does it mean to be a Libra? This is where I find things interesting, because descriptions of Libras are usually spot-on as far as my personality goes. Here is a description of Libras:


This sign of Libra is represented in symbolism as The Balance. The Sun, the ruler of our inner nature, falls in Libra, the exaltation of Saturn. Their love of justice, combined with the need to be fair and even-handed contributes to that characteristic difficulty such people find in making decisions quickly.

These people are rarely lazy. They work hard, and also demand that their partners work just as hard. They have a strong sense of justice and fair play. It is pretty unusual for them to express anger, but when they do it is usually a storm.

They are extremely positive and decisive in all their thoughts and actions. They have great foresight and intuition, and are generally seen at their best when acting on first impressions. The fear is usually well controlled so the typical representatives of this sign usually look calm, collected, and in charge of the situation. Good natured and loving, they enjoy talking to people, yet can also be very attentive listeners.

They are often very psychic, have curious presentiments, and would make very devout spiritualists, theosophists, and occultists, and yet so strongly endowed are they with the desire to reason out everything that their love of exact proof usually overwhelms their psychic powers.

They are often very successful as speculators, but they have little regard for the value of money, and have as a rule great ups and downs in their careers. Libra is a sign that values peace at all costs, and is very fair minded. People like being around Librans, for in the event of a dispute they will seek a compromise.

People born in this time symbolize a "balance." They seem always trying mentally to balance things and get an even judgment.

They are often found in public life, but it is with their innate desire to adjust the balance of things by making laws for the betterment of their fellows. These people graciously accept praise for their achievements and will gladly give praise to others, when they deserve it. LIBRA is the zodiac sign of Partnership.These people's energies are focused on melding and combining with others; they are at their best in personal relationships. Born under the sign of the Scales, they strive for balance and harmony and are happiest when their environment is ordered and serene.

These people are very good at science, and often spend their lifetime in study and research in some particular subject, again weighing and balancing every side of the question in the most conscientious manner. For this reason they make excellent doctors. Usually they become masters of some particular line of study more than as general practitioners. On the other hand representatives of this sign are not the most reliable people, either in what they should do, or in maintaining any particular view point. They are often accused of being two faced. Beneath that charming exterior they are very self centered, and insist on getting their own way,

As lovers these people are the most quintessential romantics among the zodiac. Venus ruling, they have an idealistic view of love and togetherness. Once these people fall in love, they start thinking of marriage. On the other hand these people seldom find happiness in marriage. In affection they appear to weigh and balance matters too much. In relationships generally, they invariably give back in kind what they have been given. 




Sounds exactly like me. Kind of interesting. So what allegedly happens when two Libras are in a relationship such as marriage? Well, the descriptions I've found about that are interesting as well. 




 Pairing two Libras at best is pleasing and harmonious. At worst, it's a bit unbalanced—a word (rather, a condition) that makes Libra uneasy. After all, Libras work so hard to balance their relationships and their environments. Both of you value feedback and communication in your relationships, and each of you is more than willing to give the other just these things! However, because both of you are rather ambivalent and indecisive, an endless loop may be the result when you get together. Your conversations will be very stimulating, no doubt, but will they go anywhere solid? Probably not. You two need to establish some goals in your relationship in order to escape the "endless loop". It can be very difficult to establish a leader in this partnership. Of course, a relationship doesn't necessarily need a leader, per se. However, both of you "get off" on cooperation, bending to your partner, and compromising. As such, you will likely find you share a lot of interests, but acting on these things might be a problem. You might have a difficult time curbing your expenses as well, simply because both of you have such refined tastes. Each of you have perfected the art of diplomacy within relationships, and you need to be careful that you truly confront problems as they arise instead of talking your way around them. Despite these apparent problems, you truly understand each other and have very similar partnership needs and expectations. Togetherness is of utmost value to both of you, and your similarities can be the foundation for a powerful bond. 


Yes, it seems there are other astrological signs that are better suited to a Libra than a fellow Libra. The signs best suited for Libra are Gemini and Aquarius. Very, Very interesting.


Are you a Gemini or Aquarius?

Being the Other Woman

I spend a lot of time on twitter. Hell, I spend a lot of time on the internet in general, and I've noticed a trend of sorts. Seems a lot of not-so-happily-married people are involved in internet romances. I mean twitter crushes are perfectly normal right? Everyone has them. Even the married people. Okay, perhaps not everyone, but a lot. I see it all the time. But what happened in the days before social networking was really a thing? Did married people still stray? Did married men see a hot young woman and think "damn, I'd like to hit that!"? The answer is of course they did! People are only human, and thus prone to imperfection. Monogamy is hard, especially when you're not getting along with your spouse super-well. In real life, I was "the other woman" several times, usually just for a fling, but once I made the mistake of falling in love with a married man... who also happened to be my boss at work. Here's my story of how infidelity goes down in real life.

I started college at Central Washington University which is located in Ellensburg, Washington, a smallish rodeo town. I dated college guys for awhile, but after living there a few years I started being more interested in the locals, the working men. I had a boyfriend that I really liked. He was a carpenter and his family were cattle ranchers. I myself was a little bit country with big belt buckles and cowboy boots (ok, I still dress like that sometimes.) Anyway, his name was Josh. But it really bothered Josh that he was out working hard, barely getting by, while I sat around and did nothing, but had everything. He dumped me. I really wanted him back, so I started looking for a job. I worked in a hardware store through high school, and I knew my way around a hardware store. I applied for jobs a bunch of different places, but I got called in for an interview at a hardware store. Perfect. i had worked at a hardware store in high school. And the manager was a good-looking 24 year old guy. His dad owned the place, but he was in charge of hiring me. To my interview I wore a low-cut top, tight jeans, and heels. Boom, I got the job.

So the first week I started working there, my new boss was telling me about how his wife was out of town for a week and he would be bored because he didn't have many friends. I didn't have any friends left at that point really, so I said hey, we could be friends. He agreed, and that weekend he asked what I wanted to do. I suggested seeing a movie and going for drinks after. We went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and went to his favorite bar, The Tav, after the movie. We drank beer and laughed and giggled all evening. When the bar closed, we said our goodbyes, and went home. It was the perfect first date even though it had not been a date. A couple nights later he came over to my apartment and we drank and watched a movie in my bedroom. We were in my bedroom because I had roommates, so our bedrooms were like our personal living quarters. At some point I remember lying next to him giggling, and I looked over at him and said "you should probably go." He asked why. I told him that if he didn't go, I think we would end up kissing. He didn't go. We ended up kissing. We ended up having sex. And it was GREAT sex. I mean there was chemistry. It was mind-blowing. Best ever.

Work got a lot more fun after that. It was an old building, and there were back rooms, storage rooms, attics, places to sneak away everywhere. We texted each other all day every day, even at work. I followed him around at work under the guise that he was teaching me things, training me. We did do work together, and we joked and laughed, and had the greatest time. We also sneaked around making out, and having sex on the clock. We'd sneak upstairs for a blow-job or a quickie. If the workday got stressful, we'd meet each other in the storage room for a quick makeout to relieve stress. We had sex all over that store during, and after business hours. One time after hours, we had sex right on the floor in the middle of the store, and we giggled every time we walked by that spot the next day.

Things aren't so simple when someone is married though. One night at my place I said something about how if we kept it up, I was going to start falling in love with him. He said he felt the same way. So in love we fell. Some things got rough after that. His wife would stop by the store all the time and I'd hide and cry. He would come find me and apologize as soon as she left. I got to be an emotional wreck at work, but I got away with everything because after all, I was sleeping with my boss. I'd get to work, clock in, and then leave to go get coffee. He'd put extra hours on my timesheet for me.

I hid upstairs and cried almost every day. I was in love with a man I couldn't have. His wife was nothing like me. She was fat and plain. They met after high school. He said he felt stuck, but loved me. I started drinking even more heavily than before. One time I got so drunk I had to leave my truck parked at the bar and take a cab home. I worked the next morning, and I called him to get a ride to work. As my boss he wasn't happy that I still reeked of alcohol and was severely hungover, but as my boyfriend he turned a blind eye. I started spiking my morning latte with schnapps. I started drinking beer at lunch. I went from work straight to the bars. I would get upset on nights he had to spend with his wife, and I'd go to bed with a bottle of vodka to drown my sorrows.

At one point his wife ended up in the hospital for something, and instead of staying with her, he hung out at a park with me. We were addicted to each other. I couldn't help it. He couldn't help it. We started having close calls though. He knew everyone in town. People started seeing us together. Coworkers started talking about the way we smiled at each other. His grandma caught him hugging me in the break room. The pressure got to him and he broke it off with me. I quit. Without a 2 week notice. I quit, and moved back to Montana the next day. He ended up telling his wife. He is now divorced.

I never did get Josh back. And My boss kind of destroyed me.

When the time came that I needed a letter of recommendation, I got one that I couldn't have written better myself. Because I did write it, and he agreed to sign it. See, there are perks to sleeping with your boss. But for the most part, it wasn't worth it.

I never ever thought I would be stupid enough to be the other woman and think that a man was actually going to leave his wife for me. Married men NEVER leave their wife for their girlfriend on the side. Never.

Life lesson learned.

Remembering Dance Portraits

So my boy started dance classes again. I did the dance portraits for the spring recital last June. Today the studio owner asked me for the disc of the photos and in my head I thought oh shit! I should have had that disc to her months ago! So I started burning the disc, and realized what a difference a few months of practice makes. I almost don't want to give her the disc because I know I could do so much better. When I did these photos it was my first time working with the 50mm f/1.4 lens. Now I own that lens and use it all the time. I'm not even sure how the portraits turned out so badly, but I do remember feeling like I was in over my head while doing them. Between the portraits being less than perfect, and my extremely late delivery of the disc, I would be really surprised if she asked me to do portraits for her again. However, if she does, I would be much more prepared to do some better portraits. Here's what I put on the disc today:

The biggest problem is inconsistency. Some of the pictures turned out great, but others not so great. It was tough using a greenscreen and an unfamiliar lens for my first paying job. I learned a whole lot doing the pictures though :P

Can a Person Really Change?

Today I'm wondering... Can an adult change his life philosophies, or are they too ingrained in his mind from the time he was a child to ever be able to see the world differently?

My dad, along with his family, were very business-minded people from the time I was a child. I was his little girl, and Daddy wanted only the best for me. From as far back as I can remember, my father taught me one thing about life. He taught me that it's every man for himself out there in the world, and you need to constantly be on guard, protecting your own happiness, no matter what the cost. As an individual, your happiness is THE most important thing in life. Also, I learned that being better than other people, better-looking than other people, more successful than other people, etc. was far more important than getting along with other people. All through my life I've viewed other people as nothing but my competition.

It was a rather Machiavellian way to go about life. The ends justified the means. If you got what you wanted, it didn't matter what you had to do to get it. I have always been very good at manipulating any situation in order to get what I want. I look at the life I have, and it appears perfect to other people, but the truth is I have lied, cheated, stolen, and manipulated to get here. I am attractive, intelligent, and funny, but I am also a fraud.

It doesn't end with the outside world either. I am competitive within my own family, and I use them to make myself look better than other people. when arguing with my husband, all I can think to do is defend myself, and argue that I am right and he is wrong. I don't listen to what he has to say, and process it. No, I hear just enough to find a way to point the blame all in his direction no matter what we are discussing. I would rather win, than try to understand him. I brag about the successes of my husband and child to make myself look better.

In my mind, the world has always been a survival of the fittest competition, and I have always been successful in that regard. When I go about doing something, I will do anything to be the best, even when that annoys the shit out of other people. If I am succeeding, and you are failing, I will look at you and laugh before I will try to help you.

The summer before my dad died, he told me this: "Jenny, I know I will never have to worry about you getting anything less than everything you want out of life, because you will never settle for anything less than what you want." True words about the way I've lived my life.

But here I am saying "now what?" I have a family. How do I only look out for myself when I have other people to look out for? Is it possible I could live my life differently than I have my whole life? Or am I bound to eventually hurt the ones I love in the quest for everything I want? Can a wild animal truly ever be tamed? I would like to say, okay, I've discovered my flawed way of thinking about life and now I'm going to change it. But how would I go about living my life completely differently than I ever have before? And would I even still be me?

Something to think on.

Maybe It's Me

I've been kind of depressed lately, but not for no good reason this time. It's because I've always blamed everyone else for everything that has ever gone wrong with my life, and it was time to sit down with myself and face the idea that maybe it's not them. Maybe it's me. Maybe no one gets along with me and bad things happen to me because of me. It's difficult to explain, but I have this way of being able to turn everything around in any situation so that in my head, it's not my fault. As you might imagine, this doesn't go over well in a marriage. I've been married over 5 years now, and I think my husband is getting tired of everything being his fault. And here's the thing that makes it really hard. I know I have to be wrong, but I absolutely cannot see it.

But if I look at our marriage from a completely outside perspective, I would see a man who works hard, loves his wife, and slams his head against the wall over and over trying to make his wife happy. That's all he wants out of life. To see her smile. To see her smile at him. To have a happy, loving family. He's loved her through really difficult times and through all of her psychological problems over the years. He has made mistakes, yes, but they were out of desperation to make her happy, to make her love him.

I would see a woman who doesn't have any idea of who she is, or what she wants. She thinks she loves her husband, but doesn't know how she can be sure. He's the perfect husband, trying to give her everything she wants. The kind of man she can trust to love her no matter what happens. The kind of man she would never ever have to worry about leaving her, or finding somebody else. He's a great father, and just a great, hardworking family man. She doesn't give him all of her love though, and she still wonders if she'd be happier somewhere else, with someone else. She only thinks of herself. Never thinks of this man who lives his life to make her happy. She can't look at things from his point of view. She has no idea how to love him the way he deserves to be loved. She craves attention from other men, but doesn't know why. She tells herself she couldn't ask for a better husband. Life couldn't get any better than this. But she feels like something is missing. And she doesn't have the time or energy to think about how he feels, because she is obsessed with thinking about herself, and analyzing her life as she sees it from her point of view, and from her point of view, she is never wrong. He is. But how could he be when he would do anything to make her happy? Something doesn't add up. She is coming to the realization that maybe she just doesn't think and behave like other people. She isn't able to. She begins to think she isn't being fair to her husband, but doesn't know how to change. She thinks maybe she can't change. That no matter where she is, or who she is with, she would feel this way anyway, because she is unable to truly love another human being. She can only love herself. She can only think of herself. She thinks about leaving, but doesn't know how to be anyone else besides this man's wife. And she doesn't know if it would even help to do everything differently. Maybe she would end up feeling the same way all over again. She wants life to be perfect, and doesn't want to settle for anything less, but she's beginning to think maybe life is never perfect, maybe you just need to play the cards you're dealt the best you can. And she sits thinking, contemplating her next move, wondering if she can even win with the cards she has.

So there you have my relationship from the point of view of a narrator. My husband is an innocent bystander in my life. I feel like I'm watching a slow-moving train wreck that will destroy him. One that I will cause, yet I still won't be able to stop it. If I loved him, I would be able to stop it, right? Which leads me to the belief that I am unable to truly love anybody. Because he is the perfect man to love. He deserves my love. I want to give it to him, but there's always something holding me back. I just wish I could figure out what it is. And fix it somehow.

Love/Hate Relationship with Psych Meds

I am finally stabilized on medications and psychologically I feel great. I feel like a normal person for once. If I get upset, I can get over it instead of spiraling into depression for days. I feel calm most of the time which is a new feeling. I have been able to fall asleep at a decent time instead of tossing and turning all night and then sleeping half of the day to make up for it. I've been getting up at 6am like a normal person. For the most part, things have been great.

Here's the thing I hate about being medicated though. I'm on 5 medications that I take several times daily to control my psychological issues. I have to take other medications just to control the side effects of my regular medications though. The worst side effect is high blood pressure and tachycardia (fast heart rate). I haven't been taking my blood pressure medication because it has terrible side effects itself, including sexual problems, which I just can't handle. 

Today I started to just feel awful for no reason though. I finally took my blood pressure and it was through the roof, like scary scary high. 172/124. For reference, normal blood pressure is less than 120/80. Okay, it was obviously time to take my blood pressure medication. So I took it, and an hour later, it was still just ad high. So I took some more, and took my Klonopin to relax a little and I took a little nap. I woke up and took my blood pressure again. It was down a little, but still very high. It shouldn't be, and that worries me, and worrying makes my high blood pressure worse. It's something I've dealt with on and off for years. Only when I'm on my medication. The worst part is I can feel my heart, and it feels like it hurts. I have had this all checked out, but tests were pretty much inconclusive.

I'm always asking myself, would I rather be psychologically healthy, or physically healthy? Because it seems I can't be both. I'm only 27, and I don't even want to think of all the wear and tear I've put my internal organs through from medications.

Such is life. I'm rolling with the punches, but I would feel a lot better if my diastolic pressure would drop below 100.