The Hunt for White-tailed Deer

Hunting is kind of a big thing in our family. My husband grew up hunting, and I started hunting gophers at the age of 14. We did quite a bit of deer hunting this year. It was my fourth year hunting deer.

My thoughts on hunting? Well I'm a bit torn morally I guess. My belief system really lies in Buddhism so really I should be practicing kindness to all living things and causing no harm. I don't really practice Buddhism though, I just believe in all of the theory behind it if that makes any sense. As another example, Buddhists are also supposed to avoid consciousness-diminishing or altering substances -- i.e. alcohol or drugs.  Well, I drink almost every day now.

So back to hunting. Typically people think of humans as the top of the food chain. Depending on how you look at things, that may be true or untrue. Not very many humans are killed by other animals. However, without all of our tools for hunting and protection from other animal species, this would not be true. It would be difficult to co-exist with say lions or grizzly bears out in the wild with no supplies. We would not be at the top of the food chain under those circumstances. So maybe we're cheating. Or maybe our ability to think, reason, and construct are natural assets that rightly put us at the top of the food chain the same way lions and grizzly bears are naturally fast, and have large sharp teeth and claws which are assets that put them near the top of the food chain.

Depending on how you look at it hunting may seem unfair. Perhaps if we wanted to kill a deer we should run around in the woods with no weapons and if we so happened to catch one (unlikely) we should try to kill them using only our bare hands. If that were the case for all animals, it seems people would be mainly vegetarians. Cows are slow and dumb, but even if you could catch one, how would you kill it? And if you did manage to catch a cow and somehow beat it to death it would suffer more than being swiftly slaughtered. Okay I know that sounds strange and mean, but these are the facts of life. If we wanted to play fair with other animals we would likely have no beef, no meat. It would be possible, though much more difficult to get enough protein in our diet. We would actually be very low on the food chain if we lived in the wild with no tools or weapons.

Okay, I bet you've never broken down the topic of hunting and killing animals to that extent, but that is naturally how my mind works. It sometimes drives me crazy, but I break down and analyze pretty much every aspect of life.

So back to hunting again. Okay, I admit that hunting gophers probably isn't very moral since we don't use any part of the animal for anything. It's been forever since I've hunted gophers anyway, and I'm not sure I would want to anymore. I don't mind hunting for food supply though, and everything else I kill I utilize the meat. So deer hunting? Buddha would probably disapprove, but then again, I don't really practice Buddhism, I just believe in it. I really don't have any other moral objections to it, but I think you should be a good shot with an appropriate firearm to minimize suffering of the animal. I have shot three deer and so far have dropped them all in one shot. I use a .243 Remington 700 series in Mossy Oak camo for any of you who know about firearms and were wondering.

So like I said, hunting is kind of a big thing in our family and I think it's fun. This year I shot a buck that was barely a 2 point. I have yet to shoot a trophy buck, but that's fine with me. Next year I might try elk hunting. Speaking of elk, not long ago there was an entire herd of elk swimming across the lake. It was quite a sight seeing about 25 elk heads just cruising through the water. Just a little side note there. This year we saw a beautiful (and cute) brown bear that we could have shot, but neither my husband or I had a bear tag. He was awfully cute to shoot anyway, but it was fun to see one.

So there are my ramblings on the subject of hunting, and here is a picture of the buck I shot this year:

Good times in the usually boring state of Montana :)

From Abused to Abusive

Since I have moved back in with my husband, there has been a shift in power. When I was reading all about domestic abuse there was one article that talked about how abused women often become abusers in future relationships. I didn't really think much of it at the time. I mean, I know how awful it feels to have someone treat you terribly so I obviously would never do that to someone. Or so I thought.

While I was gone, all my husband wanted was for me and our son to come back. He even told his lawyer that. When his lawyer was asking what he wanted out of the divorce my husband said all he wanted was his wife and son back. His lawyer told him he was an idiot. My husband would do anything to get me back. He knew his manipulative ways weren't getting me back this time. He said while I was gone he spent a lot of time looking in the mirror and hating the person he saw. The person he had become. How could he treat the person he loved more than anyone in the world so badly? He has admitted 100% without a doubt that he was abusive to me. He quit smoking pot because he realized that had a lot to do with it.

He really has changed which surprises me. I came back waiting for him to slip back  into having no respect for me. I'm still not considering it an impossibility and I'm watching for it. I still have my lawyer on retainer. We haven't dismissed the divorced. We have filed an abatement which means the divorce proceedings are just on hold right where we left off and can be continued at any time if one of us so chooses.

Anyway, since I've come back I can't help but feel like he owes me something. I mean I could have stayed where I was and left him broken-hearted, but I did what he wanted me to do. I came back. That's all he wanted anyway right? At any cost right? As long as I'm back I should be able to do whatever I want because the point is that I'm back and that's what he wanted right?

Well, no solid relationship can be built on feelings like that. I shouldn't feel that way. I want to get along with him, but he would never know it. I have begun to treat him the way he treated me. I have no patience with him. I snap at him all of the time. When he tries to hug me I usually try to pull away. I don't think at all of his feelings. I offer him no support when it comes to the stress of daily life. I yell at him. I blame him for everything. I hurt him all the time. I have rarely seen this man cry until lately. He cries now because he is so nice to me and I am just plain mean to him. I have no regard for his feelings. I expect him to do what I want to do all of the time and if he doesn't I make his life hell. I withhold my love while he is giving his freely. And on top of the way I treat him, I still expect him to be the opposite. To pay attention to me. To show me love and affection even while I'm being a complete bitch.

I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. It really isn't fair to him. Deep down I know I am completely unfair to him. We  get in fights and I tell him to just go find someone else. I say it in a mean way, but I'm half serious. Everyone deserves someone who loves and respects them. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who would. The thought of him with someone else makes me sick though. I've actually thrown up just at the thought of it.

I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with me. It seems it may have been better for everyone involved had I just stayed where I was and never came back. I really don't know why I do it though and I am terrified that perhaps I just don't know how to have any kind of relationship besides an abusive one. Perhaps I am so used to unhealthy relationships that I really could never manage to have a healthy relationship. I don't know how healthy relationships work. I am used to one person having all the power and the other person having none. Tides have turned. I am the bad guy.

Wasting My Time Wasted

Lately the voice in my head has been too much to handle. For those of you who don't know the voice I'm talking about, don't worry, I'm not talking about the kind of imaginary voices shizophrenic people hear. I'm talking about my own voice that is constantly analyzing my life inside my head. It makes me crazy. It never knows when to shut up and just let me be. It is exhausting and stressful to constantly, all day, every day, think about, analyze, and question my life. Always trying to decide if I'm making the right decisions in my life, trying to figure out the future and what I really want out of life, and how to get what I want out of life. It keeps my head spinning and my stress level high.

I already have high blood pressure, so adding all of this stress has been taking its toll. I'm beginning to be concerned about my blood pressure because it has been crazy high for years now. By this point it is probably doing irreversible damage to my heart, arteries, and who knows what else. I know the risks of long-term hypertension. I got straight A's in Anatomy and Physiology and worked in a hospital for a year. I've seen a doctor here and there about it, but I hate the side effects of the medications I've tried for it. Anyway, I'm a bit off topic.

I can't deal with the constant analyzation of my life anymore. It is making me crazy. Especially since I'm feeling a bit stuck with my situation in life right now and I'm out of ideas for what I should do about it. I'm feeling a bit helpless right now. Without an income, or any way to make an income I don't have the power to do anything I want with my life. I learned that the hard way.

I do have a plan for the future though. Since I'm always thinking about my life, I'm also always coming up with new ideas for directions to take my life. Right now I really want to learn to do metal work and start a business crafting things from metal. Eventually I want to get into high end home decor like lighting fixtures and chandeliers, smaller things too, but here's an example of what I'm thinking about:

These are all custom made for the mansion my husband built. For all of the metal lighting fixtures in the mansion, the owner paid somewhere around $250,000. Now I'm sure I would never find a mansion owner to buy a large amount of custom metalwork, but chandeliers and wall sconces and things would bring in a lot of money even for regular houses. Now I know I'm not going to pick up cutting torches, plasma cutters and welders and just start building intricate chandeliers. It will take a lot of practice and experience, but I think I'll learn quickly. And I have an artistic and creative side, along with a good sense of design which I think will be major assets. I'm going to get everything set up in the garage to start working on things one of these weekends coming up. We have all of the equipment around here already since they were used while the mansion was being constructed. I think it will be fun, and I'm excited to try something new, have a new challenge, have something to practice and get better at. Without that kind of thing in my life I'm lost. I'll keep going with photography too. I have a lot of fans of my photography but I need to get back in the habit of picking up my camera and actually taking pictures, because I haven't done enough of that lately.

So for now I am biding time, and I've resorted to distraction to quell the constant barrage of thoughts and questions about what I am doing with my life and whether I think my marriage will last, whether I think I am happy or ever could be happy. All the analyzations that keep me from really just living in the moment and maybe enjoying life. I've returned to the same habit that distracted me from my empty, unfulfilled life in high school and my young adult life. My good old friend alcohol. Is it healthy to ignore my life and fill the emptiness with drinking? Probably not. Do I care right now? Not really.

Since I have moved back in with my husband, a little over a month ago now, I think I have gone one night without drinking. I have a history of drinking problems. I started drinking daily my senior year of high school. My university days were even worse. Alcohol became a way of life. I had a bunch of money from investing the life insurance money my dad left me when he died. I had an income of $30,000 a year for doing nothing back before the economy was broken. I supplied myself and all my friends with plenty of alcohol. Drinking alone is never fun, so I always managed to get them all drinking with me. I bought liquor by the gallon. If we were going to drink beer, I'd buy 3 cases per night. You could have called me a bad influence I guess. I rarely went to classes. I knew every way to drop classes, withdraw from classes, and take leaves of absence. My friends still had to go to classes to keep grades up for financial aid and their parents. I was basically parentless paying for college completely out-of-pocket. I could do whatever I wanted. So I partied every night and got my friends to party with me. I had a lot of friends during that time. Yes, I kind of bought most of them, but I had a damn good time. Once I got to bar age, forget it. I was always at the bar. I started my day with what I called "morning drinks." Things like hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, coffee and Kahlua, apple cider and peach schnapps. I thought nothing of drinking beer during the day and even when I worked I had a beer with lunch. After work I went straight to the bars. Every night I drank until blackout. My life basically continued on this way until I got pregnant. I had always been termed an "alcoholic" so when I quit drinking while I was pregnant, I never went back to drinking. I lived years pretty much sober with an occasional drink every 6 months or so.

Now my husband and I drink every night. Without drinking, I just dwell on the feeling that something is really missing from my life. Without drinking I question my marriage and whether I really love my husband and whether I want to spend forever for him. I get stressed out thinking about what I would do if I left again, where I would go, whether I could support myself and my son. The bottom line though is that right now I'm just not in a position to do anything about much of anything right this minute. I need to build a business or something before I even think about doing anything different with my life. So I need the voices to shut up. I can't deal with thinking about everything all day every day. When I drink, I can live in the moment and my worries and anxieties go away. It's a nice break from life. There are bad things about drinking every night though. The calories are killing me for one. My favorite drink has always been White Russians. After the first week of drinking them every night I gained 10lbs and realized that each drink has somewhere around 450 calories. So I was drinking probably somewhere around 8 drinks per night. That's 3600 calories a night. Ouch. So I've been trying to find the lowest calorie options. So far Vodka and Sprite Zero is the lowest calorie drink. One shot of 80 proof vodka contains 64 calories and Sprite Zero is calorie free. I drink that a lot. I only really like Grey Goose though which gets expensive. Even more so since my husband will only drink Jack Daniels. When I'm drinking vodka, together we go through at least 2 bottles of Grey Goose and 2 bottles of Jack per week, sometimes 3 of each.

But I prefer drinking beer. For some reason I get a better kind of drunk feeling from beer. I get happy drunk on beer most of the time. It makes me feel like life is all good, none of the little stuff matters. I have fun drinking beer. I do however get way worse hangovers from beer. Also, I have a high alcohol tolerance so I have a hard time drinking beer fast enough to even get feeling much more than a buzz. I mean forget a 6 pack. I like to drink a 12 pack per night if I'm drinking beer. Now here come the calories again. I was excited to see that Miller Genuine Draft came out with a 64 calorie per bottle beer, but here is a little known fact about beer: The lighter the beer (in calories, not color obviously) the lower the alcohol content. So I got these MGD 64s to try. After drinking one beer I knew it couldn't have much alcohol in it, so I looked up the alcohol content online. An average beer is around 5% alcohol and around 140 to 150 calories. Light beer is usually around 4.2% to 4.5% alcohol and around 99 to 105 calories. MGD 64? 2.8% alcohol and of course 64 calories. Might as well be non-alcoholic beer. Yeah, MGD is fooling a lot of people. I also was surprised to find that beer no longer lists the alcohol content on the label or the box, so you have to find it online.

Anyway, my father-in-law is an alcoholic, the kind that drinks all day every day. We were there for Thanksgiving so I had a conversation with him about beer. You know that awful hangover I get? Well it turns out beer is based on one of two major ingredients. Rice, or wheat. Budweiser products as well as many others are rice based. Miller, Coors, Keystone, and others are wheat based. Apparently rice based beer gives you a worse hangover for some reason. My father-in-law refuses to drink them. I trust his knowledge on the subject of alcohol. All he drinks is Coors Light, so that has become my beer of choice as well. With an alcohol content of 4.2% and 102 calories per bottle, it's not a terrible option. Still though, if I drink a 12 pack per night, that's 1224 calories per night. That's a lot considering I also have been eating like the average American, eating a couple thousand calories a day. In the summer I used to eat around 500 calories per day and not drink at all in order to keep my rockin' bikini body.

Bottom line, drinking is making me gain weight. That along with bipolar medications that have common side effects of increased appetite and weight gain. Oh, and I haven't had much time or motivation to exercise. So yeah, my body is no longer perfect, but I'm choosing not to care for now. I still look good, just added some curves to my body. I'm not a huge cow or anything. I've been weighing between 115 to 117 lbs.

So against all better judgment, and at the cost of my perfect body I'm just going to go with the drinking and see what happens. Yes, for now I'll take my drinks and deal with the extra weight and any health problems I may develop from the extra wear and tear on my body, because even if it puts more weight and stress on my body, it takes the weight of the world off of my shoulders. And right now I really need that.

"The One"

I am plagued by chronic existential thought processes. That is to say, I can't seem to go a minute without thinking, analyzing, and questioning my life. These thoughts always drift back to one subject. My marriage. My marriage that was almost dissolved a month or so ago.

I must admit when I was young, I was pretty obsessed with Disney movies. The kind where the girl goes through a struggle, but still ends up finding her prince, her one true love, and living happily ever after. Now I always imagined my life would be this way. It was the focus of my entire life for a long time. There were many times along the way that I thought I found him, only to be disappointed when he turned out not to be the one. I've pretty much always been the heart-breaker in a relationship. I always let him go when he didn't live up to my expectations of all consuming love.

There's always this talk of "the one" the "one true love, the "soulmate." I have a hard time thinking I could ever be totally and completely happy with one man for the rest of my life. I'm the kind of person who has to try all the options before I choose one. When I'm in the car listening to XM, I flip through all the channels before I choose a song to listen to. Even if I find one I like, I have to check the other channels to see if there is one I like more. I do this with everything in my life. I've rarely finished anything I've started because I get tired of it, and decide to move on to something else. Every school program, every hobby, every project I try turns out this way. I mean everything. I thrive on novelty, and when the novelty wears off of something and it becomes routine, I no longer enjoy it, and I move on to something else.

That being said, I'm not sure I could ever find "the one" and live happily ever after. I'm always curious and want to try new things. Had I not had a child, this might be an acceptable way to go about relationships, but being a mother is something I can't quit. And I can't drag my kid from one man, one life, to another, and another and another. I like my husband. Things have changed dramatically since before I left. He is loving and nice and considerate even when I am not. We have been interacting with each other every day, working together to get things done, and even having a good time while doing most of it. But love is a sore subject. He tells me he knows that I am the one for him. That he could never ever love another person as much as he loves me. I am honest. I tell him I don't feel the same way. I tell him I love him, but how could I possibly know if he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? I don't know what the future may hold. I have a hard time thinking I could ever commit to anything for the rest of my life, besides my son of course, but even with that I know a day will come when he has his own family and I won't need to be a daily part of my life. I can't imagine the thought of doing anything on a daily basis for the rest of my life. The thought scares me.

So keeping one person in my life every day for the rest of my life? I can't honestly commit to that. Does that mean he's not "the one" for me? Maybe. Or does it mean I'm just afraid of commitment? Maybe. I'll just have to take this relationship as I do everything else. Day by day. With the thought that I could someday change my mind at any time if I felt I needed to.

The only problem, and the one that has me confused the most, is that somewhere along the way, I gave a piece of my heart away to another man. I can't seem to get it back. I think he will always have it. So I may never be able to give my whole heart to my husband or anyone else. And if that is the truth, then my husband couldn't possibly be the one right? But then again, a love that could never possibly be, is somewhat like a fantasy. I can imagine living happily ever after with a person whom I don't spend every day of my life with. Someone who could be as perfect as my imagination can create. So perhaps I am just drawn to the fantasy. The possibility of falling so in love that the rest of the world fades away. But seriously, who feels that way every day. When there are bills to pay, money to be made, a home to keep clean, a child to raise, and for me, a life to pick apart day after day with no success of making any sense of it. Perhaps the perfect love for me is the one I can never have. The one I can only dream about. The one who isn't here with me for me to pick apart. The one I am left with a lingering thought of.

Weight a Minute

I've always been obsessed with my weight. My body. So I'm not sure how this has happened. I'm fat. I mean I have fat on my body which I am not used to, and I don't like it. I went from eating maybe 500 calories a day to thousands. I haven't even been keeping track.

I'm supposedly in the healthy weight range now, whereas I was always underweight before. I'm afraid to step on the scale, but I'm guessing I have hit 120lbs. Much heavier than my goal weight of 100lbs. The thing I can't understand is how I gained the weight so fast. A few weeks ago I was down to 105lbs and my favorite 24 inch waist jeans finally fit. I looked good. I had a flat tummy and a tiny waist. My thighs didn't rub together when I walked. In fact, when my knees touched, my thighs didn't.

I no longer could pull off looking like a bikini model. Jeans don't seem to fit right anymore. I'm not used to being so huge. I feel like a whale, yet I am still smaller than most women. Carrying around this extra weight makes me feel depressed and sluggish. It has ruined my confidence and self-esteem. I know what I need to do to fix it. I need to watch what I eat and get some exercise. I used to exercise every day and now I sit on the couch eating candy and wishing I wasn't so fat.

I don't need to be skeleton skinny again, but I would like to at least get back to an athletic body instead of just having fat piled on me. I hate winter because I hate going outside in the cold, so I sit around inside eating. I never used to even care for eating. I remember the days where I had to choke down some applesauce just so I didn't pass out from not eating all day. I never liked food. Now suddenly it is just about all I think about. I'm guessing it is tied to depression, but I've never had this problem before even when I've been depressed.

I've tried to embrace this new physique and not stress about it or obsess about it. Actually without clothes on I look pretty sexy like this. Curvy like a woman should be, but my clothes are tight on me and they cut into my fat making me feel huge and embarrassed. Though I'm sure people don't look at me and think I'm at all fat. It is all in my head. It is all me being overly critical of myself like I always am. I want to be perfect, but nobody is perfect. I won't look like this by the time summer comes. I can't let myself get any bigger. I will starve myself if I have to. I know that isn't healthy, but being tiny is part of who I am, and I feel like I'm losing my identity again. I need to get back to being me, and I don't look like me. I don't feel like me. I don't like this.

Weather or Not

There is snow on the ground today and suddenly the idea of forever is once again scaring the shit out of me. I really try to be a positive person, but somehow the negativity just seems to keep creeping in. I hate Montana. I hate it here. I hate the weather. I hate that it's extremely boring. I hate that there is very little cultural or racial diversity.

The biggest thing I miss that I had when I was separated from my husband is the feeling that my life could be whatever I wanted to make it. The possibilities were endless. I had the freedom to decide what kind of life I wanted to live and go about doing so. Now I am back here with my future all laid out for me. I married a Montana man, and now I've failed to divorce him twice. Yes, I will be stuck here forever. That is if I stay with him forever. The idea is already freaking me out again. I feel pressure to recommit and I don't know that I'm ready to do that.

When I came back it was supposed to be a trial period to see if things would work out this time. Now my son is back in school and dance classes and I'm trying to get out of the lease I signed on my house. On top of that, now my husband has said that if I want to leave again he will just quit his job and move to Alaska and never be sseen again, and would just send me checks in the mail because he hates it here without me and our son. So already it would be hard to leave again, and that's not the way this was supposed to work. Yes, I'm feeling the pressure.

I've been getting depressed again. It's sometimes hard to distinguish bipolar related depression from lifestyle depression, but this time I don't think it's from being bipolar. I think it's the thought that just a few weeks ago I had a blank future. Anything could happen and it was exciting. Now my future is once again laid out for me and I'm not sure I like it. When I had a blank future with nothing but possibilities, I did have someone special in my life who I saw possibly having a place in my future. I thought it would be easier to give that up than it has been. I miss him. I miss the thought of him. I miss the possibility of him. I'm wondering whether I have made the biggest mistake of all by agreeing to give my marriage one last chance.

It's complicated though. I found it was going to be extremely difficult for me to be able to get a good job to be able to provide for myself and my son. Either way, staying or leaving, I need to start finding a way to make some sort of income. So I've decided I would like to maybe take up welding. I pretty much have all the tools I would need right here at my disposal. I think I would be good at it. I have a good steady hand for using cutting torches, plasma cutters, and welders. If I was good at it, then someday if I needed to I might be able to get a job at a machining shop, or a construction site. I mean it's not much job security, but if I have everything here that I need to be able to learn and practice, I figure why not. It's always interested me. My dad was a certified welder, my ex-boyfriend Ryan was a welder at a machining shop and I would hang out at the shop with him and the guys after hours when they would build things for themselves like steel bumpers for their trucks. Deerstopper bumpers.

All in all, life is okay, but wintertime in Montana always makes me feel depressed, and I'm still not sure whether or not this life here as a happy family is going to work out for me.

Just Another Housewife

I've always had this terrible fear of the world seeing me as "just another housewife." I am beautiful, intelligent, and an extremely talented person at many things. I thought if I was deemed a "housewife," somehow that would define me. I think that's the biggest reason I always wanted a big career or profession. Because I've always thought my job title would define me. It would tell people whether I was respectable or not. It would give people the power to judge me by what I did and not who I was. People do that all the time, and I never want to be stuck with the "soccer mom" identity. Yes, I am a dance mom, and I've written a post about that a long time ago, but I'm also not just any other dance mom. I am the mother of a preschooler, but that doesn't describe me either.

What I think I'm trying to get at here is that I'm not the woman you would expect me to be if I just met you and told you I'm a stay-at-home mother and housewife with a preschool aged boy who is in ballet classes. I don't know about you, but to me, an image of a slightly overweight middle aged woman with mom clothes and a mom haircut and a freakishly fake friendly facade pops up in my mind when I hear about stay-at-home-moms and housewives. I've always been afraid to be put in that category.

I'm thinking about this because here I am fulfilling these roles that I've always been so scared to be associated with, so scared to be defined by. I am so much more complex and unexpected than the "happy housewife" image portrays. I'm starting to think that in the past I've been hesitant to embrace these roles of mother and wife because I was afraid if I did, then I would turn into that simplistic stereotype. What about the rest of me? There is so much more to me than that. How will people recognize my beauty, intelligence, and talents if they are hidden behind the image of a mother and wife?

Yet still, here I am. I am cleaning the house, vacuuming, doing laundry, doing dishes, picking up after other family members, organizing the house and making sure there is a place for everything and everything is in it's place. I am cooking meals while giving time-outs and listening to how my husband's day at work was. I am sitting down with my son and coloring with him, reading him books, and teaching him about letters, numbers, days of the week. I am taking my son to dance classes and visiting with other dance moms. I am doing a damn good job at the stay-at-home-mom and housewife thing.

So do I fit the stereotype yet? Not even close :)
I can still drink with the best of 'em. I still cuss all the time. I still look damn fine in a bikini. I'm still sexy, don't matter if I'm "domesticated" or not. I roll up to pick my son up from preschool with the Acura bumping. I want a speedometer that maxes at 160mph over an SUV that's nice and "roomy." I wouldn't be caught dead in public wearing "mom" clothes. I'm always stylish and makeuped and put together in a hot, gorgeous sort of way. I'm 28 and I still get eyed suspiciously and asked for my ID right away when I order an alcoholic beverage. I'm not into "playdates" so please don't suggest arranging one. If you're a mom, you should be warned that I like my kid, but don't confuse that for me saying "I like kids." I don't. I probably won't like yours. I might pretend I do for a minute or two. I graduated college with a 3.94 GPA. I will beat you at trivial pursuit and then tell you to kiss my fabulous ass. I keep it real with my kid. He's a 5 year old, not a homeless animal, he doesn't need to be "sheltered."

I'm also a talented writer, photographer, artist, and model, among many other things, and though I'm not currently getting paid for those things, I don't need a job title to tell me who I am anyway. And as far as I'm concerned, if you see me as just another housewife, then you're the simple-minded one, not me.

Back to the Dark Ages

My computer used to basically be an extension of my body. I was using it all day every day, and when i had to leave it at home, well, I was on my iPhone all the time. I was addicted to social networking. Now I'm not judging anybody. Had my life gone in a different direction, I would probably still be doing the same thing. For me though, I was spending all of my time on the internet for all the wrong reasons, and I was taking it too far.

Twitter, Favstar, Facebook, and Google+ became my entire life. The only problem was that I already had a life to live without them. I had a home to take care of, a son to raise, a husband to communicate with. I admit, I let all of these things slip away while I was living a fantasy life on the computer. When I left my husband and filed for divorce and custody of our son became an issue, I was faced with some things I really didn't want to hear. His family started talking about how I wasn't fit to raise our son because I neglected him, a word I still don't agree with. They talked about my poor housekeeping, and how I spent my days on the computer while my 4 year old son ran around in his pajamas all day while playing by himself, and feeding himself. So through their eyes, my son basically took care of himself in a messy house because I couldn't pull myself away from my computer. Now that's a bit exaggerated, but I hate to admit, basically true.

I thought back to the days when I was an excellent mother. My life was focused on my child. By the time he was 2 years old, he was still barely speaking, and behind on consonant sounds he should have been making. Everyone told me it was no big deal, that he would talk when he was ready, but I was with him the most and I felt like there was a developmental problem. So I took it upon myself to take him to the Child Development Center and have him evaluated for his delayed speech twice. After his second evaluation, he was accepted into a program for developmentally delayed children. I started taking him to see a speech therapist every week, and had a family support specialist meet with me every other week, usually in our home. Back then, I kept my house clean, I worked with my child on learning activities. I noticed when his speech wasn't developing normally and I was proactive enough to take care of it. I was a great mother.

So these allegations that I wasn't a great mother hurt, but they made me realize that they were pretty much true. I hadn't been giving my wonderful little boy the life he deserved, the life I used to give him. Yes, I can blame a lot of it on my failing relationship with my husband and my massive depression, but ultimately I was the one who chose the internet over quality time with my child, and time for chores to keep him in a healthy, happy environment. I was failing him.

I no longer have a Facebook account or a twitter account. I keep Google+ to share my blog, though I've been doing much less blogging lately too. I have been spending my time living in real life. I have been taking an interest in my son's life, teaching him, disciplining him, and keeping him on somewhat of a routine. Instead of snacking all day, he eats meals. When he misbehaves, instead of yelling at him, he gets a time out. I have been keeping the house clean and working on organizing it further, room by room. I feel good. I feel like a great mother again.

Sure, it feels weird not to have  somewhere on the internet to report everything I do, somewhere to share my photos and my life, but for the most part I don't miss it. days go by where I don't even pick up my computer. And I'm okay with that.

Shades of Gray

In my experience, people tend to view life in black and white. That is, they see things as good or bad, right or wrong. I've never run into so much black and white thinking as I have since I moved back in with my husband. Everyone on the outside of our relationship thinks I'm insane, thinks when you realize you're in an abusive relationship that the only answer is to move on and never look back. Everyone also thinks he's insane, thinks when your wife just packs up and leaves you, then files a restraining order against you, that you don't just take her back. But here's the thing, the problems in our relationship were never cut and dry. Starting out was hard on us and we lost sight of what really mattered in life.

We both had problems when we first started dating with me right out of a psychiatric hospital, and him just out of drug rehab. We liked to drink and party. We were unstable, but we were also madly in love with each other. So when we found out I was pregnant, after many tears, a good amount of cussing, and a glass of wine, we decided to go through with it. Oh, I didn't mention that I had no religious or moral objections to abortion, so we had to make the choice. Continuing on. We envisioned this beautiful life together with our baby, and we got married when I was 4 months pregnant. Not because I was pregnant, but because at that point in time both of us could honestly say we wanted to spend the rest of our life with the other person. So we got married and had a baby.

Let's fast forward to recently. I figured out I was in an abusive relationship with this man. Mostly emotionally abusive which is devastating when you're bipolar and have no one else you can completely trust. Still, I rescued myself from the situation. That's how I saw it, and it's probably still true. At the time, I had to leave. Since I filed a restraining order on him, we more or less weren't allowed to communicate for 20 days. Then we had a court hearing where I either had to dismiss the restraining order, or explain why I still wanted it. I never intended to extend it past the 20 days so I went in the courtroom and dismissed like I had planned. What I hadn't planned was that my husband and I haven't really been apart since then.

That's where everyone else starts seeing black and white and doesn't understand what either one of us is doing now. I'm sure all of you out there that have read my blog for awhile think the same thing as everyone else right now.I came so far, I fought so hard, only to fall right back to where I was. And people on his side don't get it either. I up and left him, filed a restraining order on him, turned his world upside-down, and broke his heart. Why on earth would we take the other one back.

Well, life isn't black and white. It is full of gray areas. Most people won't tell you that. Most people don't even want to accept it. it is comfortable thinking there is a right answer to everything. It is a thought that helps people get through life. You can look back and say "I did the right thing." Or when faced with a difficult decision, you choose what you believe to be the right choice, do you not? But here's a reality check. Neither choice is right or wrong. Because you cannot, I mean absoultely in no possible way, tell what will happen in the future. You might come to that point where you have to make a tough decision and think about what the future will look like depending on what choice you make, but no matter how good your imagination may be, you cannot tell what the future holds. You may be dead tomorrow. Your husband or wife may be dead tomorrow. Your child may be dead tomorrow. Now that is just an example. Death is not the only unexpected event that can change your life forever. In fact, everything changes your life forever. things will happen to you that you won't see coming. No matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for life, life is going to happen to you, and in my experience, it rarely happens the way you plan. I accept this fact. I am completely defenseless against the future. Now I'm not talking about destiny. The opposite actually. I am talking about the decisions we make in life. No matter how trivial they may seem, every decision changes your future.

Not long ago I was talking to a guy on twitter. A nice guy. A guy that was so nice that girls weren't interested in him because he was too nice. He said to me that he needs to stop being so nice. The thought struck me as odd. He needed to stop being nice to people to avoid getting hurt over and over. He needed to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, and stop trusting people so much so he wouldn't get hurt. Probably true, the less you trust people, the less you will get hurt. Especially with your innermost thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The less you trust people, the more you expect the worst out of people, the less you will be left destroyed and broken. What a terrible way to live life. Why not jump in wholeheartedly? If you get hurt, well, that's how life happens sometimes. But if you jump in with everything you've got, if you trust in someone or something completely, if you have nothing but faith that things will work out the way you want them to and things do work out, then you know. You know it is true because you never shielded yourself, tried to protect yourself. You never did anything but be your true self, put yourself out there in a "take it or leave it" sort of way, then if it works out, it is the real thing.

When I left my husband and thought we were getting divorced, everyone told me to have faith in the future. That I would find happiness if I just had faith. But they never thought I would use that advice in the opposite situation. They never wanted me to, because it goes against their black and white thoughts. But after 20 days of being apart, after both of us acccepting that our marriage was over, I believe my husband and I did some much needed growing up. We looked at our lives and all the things we wanted to ignore about them. We looked at ourselves and both of us were disappointed in the way we had treated each other. And after 20 days of awful, lonely reflection, we both still wanted each other. Wanted to be better people and live the life we should have always been living together. I made a choice. If you're a black and white thinker, it was the wrong choice. But I think in shades of gray. I made the decision to put faith in my husband, someone who I know once upon a time loved me truly and deeply. I made the decision to go back to my old life, but go back to it with a different attitude. I could look at the past and just see the hurt and blame it all on him. I could look into the future and imagine how i can't trust him because he could hurt me again, but you know what? I can't tell the future. We may just go on valuing each other more, not taking love for granted. We may make it through this, and be a stronger family for it. We may have learned invaluable lessons about ourselves from this that will help us lead the life we always wanted. Life is never cut and dry. Will you be happier in the long run starting over, or picking up the pieces? Your guess is as good as mine, but I am making the decision to pick up the pieces of our so-called failed relationship and together, along with my husband, put them back together and go on. I choose to put faith back in us. And no one can tell me it's the wrong decision. because I don't live my life in fear of being hurt. I live boldly. Living without fear of being hurt may actually lead to more pain, but when it doesn't, life is beautiful and full. So while everyone tells me I'm making the wrong decision, I'm still going to make it, and I'm going to put everything I have into it, because to me there is no right or wrong choice. Whatever may happen, I will know that I gave this life my all. I choose faith.

Sleeping with the Enemy

I’m about to do something that no one will understand. I am going to give my husband one last chance. I am going to give this man, whom I have tried to escape from, who has made me miserable at times, who has abused me, manipulated me, and toyed with my emotions, one more chance. Now I know, this isn’t comprehensible to anyone. I mean, I finally made my escape, and now I’m happy right? Why on earth would I want to go back and give this person one more chance? I know how predictable and stupid it may sound. Believe me. I never thought I would do this. I thought it was over. I thought that no matter what, I would never take him back. Because it would be a mistake. People don’t change. I have tricked myself into believing he has changed a million times, and forgiven him, and stayed with him, and things always got bad again. I have finally gotten out of the cycle, why would I want to take the chance of getting back into that cycle? Why would I choose to trust him after he has been so untrustworthy? You will read this and think this is definitely a mistake. If you were here now, you would tell me not to do it, to run far away and never look back. I know. It seems like the typical abused woman still finding herself codependent on her abuser and taking him back, only to pick up right where things left off.

But here’s the thing. No one has been here through it all with us. Sure people have an outsider’s perspective and think they can see what is going on, and yes, everyone has their opinion about it. And their opinion on what I should do does not match what I am about to do. I see where they are coming from. But after being apart for 20 days, after being pretty much unable to communicate for 20 days, after thinking and believing it was over for 20 days, we have both changed. But people don’t change right? So why do I believe we have changed? Because we actually changed 5 years ago. Both of us actually turned into completely different people right after we got married. I mean we never really changed. That isn’t the right word. We forgot who we were. We got so wrapped up in the whirlwind of accidentally getting pregnant when we were young, before either of us had even decided if we ever even wanted kids at all. Then we got married. And thinking back, we didn’t get married just because I was pregnant. We really were crazy about each other. We loved each other, we smiled and laughed, and had fun with each other. We were crazy in love. But like I said, we got married and suddenly everything got so real all at once, suddenly we had all these responsibilities all at once, we forgot to be ourselves. We lived the next five years being who we thought we should be. The people we thought other people expected us to be.

Suddenly reality was so stressful. We were scared. We didn’t know what to do. So we both created diversions from the real world. He started smoking pot, which soon became an all day, every day habit. I had different diversions going on at different times in my life, ranging from completely throwing myself into schoolwork, to spending all my time on social networking sites all day every day, and forgetting to have a real life, to even getting caught up in fantasy romances over the internet. We didn’t connect anymore, but we put on happy faces in public, and around family. We were great at acting like a happy family. I think at times we even tricked ourselves into believing it. But the truth was, we hadn’t really been connecting throughout our entire marriage. Because we both quit being ourselves. We both distanced ourselves from each other, and from reality in general. We were both acting our way through life. And we didn’t like the person that the other person was acting like. We both had fallen in love with completely different people.

So now after 20 days. After feeling single again, independent from each other again, after getting attention from the opposite sex, but not really wanting it, we remembered who we were before the marriage. We remembered how to be the people that we fell in love with to begin with. We found our personalities again. We’ve gotten rid of our diversions. He has given up pot. I have given up the internet. We are going to be ourselves and live in reality again. We are going to live the life we have imagined.

Me, Myself, and I

So I've been living in my own house with my son for awhile now. Maybe just a bit longer than a week, but it seems longer because I have learned more about life, about myself, about parenting, and about my child than I have in years.

In my past life, and I am referring to my life on the lake with my husband, I really could not grasp the idea that money couldn't buy happiness, that it didn't matter what you did or did not have. Now I've found that it doesn't matter. We flaunted our money. I understand now that we did that because something vital to being happy was missing. Money was all we had. Because of money, it looked like we had the perfect life, and that appearance was enough for me for a long time. I always wondered what people would think of me if I didn't have that much. The money. The lifestyle. I took pride in living an upper middle class lifestyle in times of economic hardship. And I wondered what I would do if I had to drop into the middle class, or even the lower middle class. I thought that being without money would make me a failure at life. That it would  make me feel like white trash.

Yet here I am. I didn't have time to grab much before I left the house three weeks ago. My son and I have a suitcase of clothes. We can wash all our laundry together and it can be done in one load. We have barely enough furniture to live here. Going grocery shopping is far different than it used to be. Instead of grabbing everything I want and throwing it in the cart, I have to think of what we need for meals for the two of us, and a few snacks. Our refrigerator is nearly empty, our cupboards are almost bare. My son has only a few toys, and a few books. Somehow, the material possessions that I always thought were so important? They're not. We are happy.

I cried nearly every day before I left. Sometimes for long periods of time. Now here I am with my life turned upside down, with very few possessions, alone, and I have barely shed a tear since we left. Not only that, but I don't feel like I'm acting my way through life anymore. I smile because I'm happy and not because I'm hiding how I really feel because I want people to think I'm happy. I smile more, I laugh more, and I am gaining confidence, and learning who I am a bit more each day. I'm feeling at ease with being me. People ask me how I'm doing with this sad sympathy in their tone, and I'm like, I'm fine, I'm great, really, you don't have to feel sorry for me.

My boy seems so much happier too. And without all of the depression, and the need to spend most all my time thinking about my own feelings, I have more time to understand him. To see things through his eyes. I am surprised by the fact that he seems to be taking this change as I am. He is happier, more well-behaved, and more loving. We sit down together for lunch and dinner. Something we seldom did in our past life. And he eats his food which he seldom did before. And he listens to me and behaves, which he seldom did before. He must see that I am happier. He must feel that there isn't tension in this house like there was in the last one. And kids don't care if they had nicer things before. They just want a happy environment in which to live. Every day my son sees me, a person who used to be weak and crippled by my unhealthy relationship, now feeling free. Doing things for myself. Taking charge of our lives and our situation. Nobody is doing this for me. I am doing it for myself. Do you know how many years I lived thinking there was no way I could function on my own? And now I am functioning better than we all functioned together as a family. My boy can finally see his mother as a strong woman.

My husband used to do everything for me, but I'm realizing more and more that 1) he wasn't doing it so much out of love, as he was doing it to make me feel helpless like I couldn't leave, and 2) that I don't actually want someone doing everything for me. If someone does everything for you, then what defines you? Nothing. That is why I never felt I knew who I was. Without doing anything, there are no accomplishments, no successes. Nothing to feel good or proud about. Just nothing.

I love a good challenge. And here I am being challenged every day. I'm overcoming obstacles and coming out the other side a better person. I have little successes every day. For example, I am living in an old house with a wood stove for heat. Everyone sees me as this tiny, pretty girl, and no one seemed to think I could handle wood heat. I probably barely weigh over 100 lbs at this point, but that isn't stopping me. Yes I have to get my ass outside and haul wood in. Yes I have to think about throwing logs on the fire so it doesn't go out. Yes I have to build fires usually a couple times a day because the fire did go out. And yes, I do have to chop logs into kindling. This is the part everyone was really afraid I couldn't do.

I chopped up wood for 3 hours straight yesterday and chopped a stack of kindling as tall as my boy. And as the time went on, I learned the best ways to do it, and I gained confidence in my abilities. I actually love swinging that ax. Doing something physically demanding all by myself. Confidence makes the job go easier. When you're chopping wood, the best way to do it is to swing the ax with everything you got, and then the wood just splits right in half, but if you fear the ax, it doesn't happen that way.Yes, my hands and fingers got smashed a few times and I have bruises to show for it, but I also did something that no one thought I could do. Something people think you should have a man do. Something people surely don't think a pretty little thing like me could ever man up and do.

This confirms the fact that I am, in fact, growing more and more independent every day. I am less materialistic, and I do things out of love for myself, out of love for my child. I no longer do things out of fear that my husband will be mad at me if I don't do things the way he wants them done. I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks but me. And that right there is the key. The key to feeling fan-fucking-tastic.

Close Quarters

I try to stay positive. I try to be optimistic about the future. I try to just not worry about things and let the future unfold as it will.

Then there are days like today. Right now I have to live life in the present, which isn't nearly as fun as fantasizing about the future.

The present sucks. I'm trying to be positive, but there's no way around the fact that things really kind of suck right now. My mom, stepdad, and 11 year old sister live in a small 2 bedroom house. Since I left my husband, my son and I have been living here also. I have been sleeping on the couch, and my boy has been sleeping on the floor in my sister's room. The most annoying thing is I have a 4 bedroom house rented just down the street, but I can't move in. I have paid my rent, but the house is just sitting over there empty.

When I left, since it was a case of domestic abuse, everyone said don't worry about your stuff, you can worry about that later, just pack a suitcase of what you need, and get out of there. So that is what I did. And I filed a restraining order, so my husband is not allowed to contact me or our son in any way until the 20th.

After being removed from the situation for a couple of weeks now, I am rethinking that restraining order. I want my furniture so I can move into my new house. I'm beginning to feel like maybe I overreacted. I feel bad that our son cannot even talk to his father on the phone. And I can't talk to my best friend. The one person willing and able to move my things for me. I know, it's completely messed up that I still feel like he's my best frind. After all he's done to me. It's not that he's a great friend, it's just that he's my only friend, and he has done everything for me for years. The truth is that he wasn't nice to me, he broke me down, controlled me, and scared me. But he also did everything for me. Abuse isseus aside, he really did do everything to take care of me and our household.

Now I'm 28 and I feel like an 18 year old moving out on my own for the first time. With a 5 year old. I don't know how to do things. I've never dealt with bills, or budgeted. I'm starting to miss the luxuries of home. I would really love my hot tub right now. I miss my cats. I miss the quiet neighborhood on the lake. I miss our beautiful home with real wood floors. I miss my pretty bright pink bathroom that I just painted not long ago. And as stupid as it may be, I miss him just a little.

It would be easier to move on if I could move off my mom's couch and have a little independence, but I kind of shot myself in the foot on that one. I now think that my husband would have helped me move in. Now he can't be within 1500 ft of me, our son, my house, or my car. Before he was served papers, he told me he would pack all my furniture and stuff into a trailer and have someone else come here and drop the trailer off yesterday or today. No one showed up yesterday, and I'm completely unable to contact him to see if that will happen today. I'm beginning to think there's no way it will happen. Because he is still trying to get me to come back to him. If he has my things, and I can't get them, then I might contact him to see where the fuck my stuff is, or maybe I would come back to him. Now those are just things I think might be going through his mind, definitely not mine, because at this point, I cannot trust a word the man says, and that makes me uncomfortable.

The close living quarters are beginning to wear on everyone in this house. And it seems silly that I have a whole house down the road, but I am just waiting for my stuff to magically appear so I can move in. I am going on a man's word. A man that I just said I cannot trust.

I forgot how to think for myself. I forgot how to deal with real life problems, and i lost all my real life friends. I still have friends in this town who would love to see me, be excited that I'm back, and probably help me in any way possible. But I've been hiding out. I haven't wanted to be seen in public. Because these people are no longer my kind of people. they are still partying and drinking, and hanging out in the one shitty little rundown bar in this town. I feel like I'm better than them, or maybe not better, but different, more complex. I'm not as simple as them. I'm not content with the kind of lifestyle they lead. I was made for greater things.

So I'm stuck without any furniture to move into my house. My mom thinks I'm stupid for believing that he might actually get it over here. Maybe I am, but I am just one tiny woman. How the hell am I supposed to move furniture and things by myself? If I'm going to live independently, I'm going to have to be a problem solver. I will have to solve real life problems like how to get my stuff moved, but right now I am at a loss.

The Art of War

Now is the time for war. I hate war. I much prefer to be civil. To keep a certain amount of peace. I do not like to fight dirty. I do not like to fight. I like to remain a peaceful person. This doesn't mean I don't know how to fight. Oh, I know how to fight, and I can fight with the best of them. I can play dirty. The point is that I don't like to. It isn't inherent to my nature. I enjoy peace, but I also recognize when it is necessary to go to war. When this happens, you had better hope you are not the one in opposition of me. I am very capable of destruction when necessity calls for it.

Now is the time to begin to plan for war. Destructive, brutal, callous, cutthroat, unrelenting war. Niccolo Machiavelli, who was known for aiming to deceive and manipulate others for personal advantage, once said "War is just when it is necessary; arms are permissible when there is no hope except in arms." At this point, this is how I feel. My husband is a master at manipulation, and now his mother is working to manipulate me as well. As much as I don't want to battle, I know now is the time. There is no hope except in arms, so to speak.

I've now realized that my husband will fight. He will fight me using any and every angle he can. Why? Because he thinks he owns me. He does not want to give me up. He wants to possess me. He wants to keep me. To keep control of me. He is consumed by this desire to attain what is now unattainable. Me. He is a fighter. And he feels entitled to what he wants.

"Whenever men are not obliged to fight from necessity, they fight from ambition; which is so powerful in human breasts, that it never leaves them no matter to what rank they rise. The reason is that nature has so created men that they are able to desire everything but are not able to attain everything: so that the desire being always greater than the acquisition, there results discontent with the possession and little satisfaction to themselves from it" -Niccolo Machiavelli

Machiavelli is often made to sound like a heartless, almost cold-hearted man. Maybe there is truth to that, but I also believe he had a way of seeing the flaws in mankind that others are too afraid to see, or too afraid to admit that they see.

The above quote does not just pertain to my husband's ambition and desire to attain me, but it also pertains to my ambition and desire to attain things too, though the things I desire are much more abstract. I desire to attain freedom, happiness, and possibilities for the future.

True war began yesterday on our son's 5th birthday. My husband and I still had a joint checking account which I assumed we would keep using at least until divorce papers were served. I just deposited $2000 of my money into  it on the 30th of September. On the 4th of October, before restraining order papers were served, before divorce papers were served (they still haven't been) get this, my MOTHER-IN-LAW withdrew over $1500 to start my husband a new checking account. Then yesterday closed the account entirely and took the remaining money in it, which was over $600. When I opened my new checking account, I only withdrew $200 to do it. I was never going to try to financially ruin him. Apparently his mother wanted to ruin me though. She basically stole $2000 from me. She has been listed on our bank account because she was on my husband's account when we got married, and I just never thought it was a big enough deal to remove her from our account.

Here's where the manipulation comes in though. I have been avoiding contact with my husband because all he does is tries to convince me to come back to him. I'm sure he was in on this bank account thing with his mother. Obviously he was since they started a new account for him. But I've realized something. This wasn't just about taking my money. It was a ploy, and one I fell right into. I have been ignoring every text, every phone call, every attemp on his part to contact me. When i found out about the bank account, I was so furious that I called to bitch at him. In hindsight, that is exactly what he wanted. He then had the opportunity to try to talk me into coming back once again. He didn't succeed in that, but he did succeed in upsetting me further. So i walked right into his trap.

From now on, I need to keep one step ahead of him. I need to scrutinize his moves and understand exactly why he is doing what he is doing, because believe me, everything he does at this point is a manipulation and has a ulterior motive behind it. It is time that I start playing my part in this war. He knows very well what he is doing every step of the way. Now I need to know not only what he is doing and why, but I must know what I am doing every step of the way and be very careful and thoughtful and methodical about it. Going back to Machiavelli, I need to stop proceeding with emotion, and instead proceed with thought, logic, and force. After all, one "...must determine all the injuries that he will need to inflict. He must inflict them once and for all."


War really is an art. It requires thought, planning, and precision. I haven't been fighting the war very well. I have disclosed much too much of the truth. And I have proceeded according to feelings and emotion rather than rational thought. But now I am ready. I am ready to to go to war. I am ready to plan my strategy and keep it secret until the moment a move must be made. Then I will be able to make that move with full force while the enemy is unguarded. It is time to fight dirty.

"No proceeding is better than that which you have concealed from the enemy until the time you have executed it. To know how to recognize an opportunity in war, and take it, benefits you more than anything else." -Niccolo Machiavelli 

What Now?

I feel sick. I can't stop shaking and I feel like throwing up. I just paid for 6 months rent. It's real. It's all real now. I will be uprooting my son and my cats and relocating them. I am leaving the life of luxury on the lake and moving into a small, old rental house with ugly shag carpeting.

I had a restraining order issued against my husband so not only will he be unable to contact me, but I will also be unable to contact the one person who has been a constant in my life for 5 1/2 years. No, he wasn't always nice to me, but he was there. Part of me wants to run back to him, and the safety of my little cage. But I know that I can't. And that makes me slightly ill.

So I ask myself what now? How do I go about rebuilding my entire life? I'm terrified. I've never lived alone, and yes, I have a little boy, but I have always had roommates or boyfriends, or husbands living with me. I will have a house to take care of by myself.

How will I take care of wood heat, shovel snow, rake leaves, mow the lawn? I've never done these things. I had a man to do the man's work for me. I have so much to learn, and at the same time I will be adjusting to my completely different life. There will be no one holding me at night, tucking my child into bed with me at night. There will be no shoulder to cry on, and I'm sure there will be crying.

This is it. This is what starting over feels like.

The Great Escape

Well, I left my "home." Yesterday my husband had taken my computer and cell phone away from me. I sat around all day wondering what I was doing. I felt like I was in prison. My son was already in Libby, where my mom and in-laws live. He was with my mother-in-law at the time. I felt so much like a caged animal I just started driving, and while I was driving, I realized I could be driving away from the nightmare. Away from my prison. I turned around and went back to the house to start packing a few things I needed to escape to my mom's house.

My husband came home from work for a few minutes and found out what I was doing. He gave me my computer and phone back in an attempt to get me to stay. He insisted that if I left, I would never see my son again. He insisted that my parents said I wasn't a good mother and they had already called child protective services about me. He promised that my parents were against me and he was the only one I could trust. He had been playing this head game with me for awhile.

Finally it was clear to me. I had no idea at that point who to trust, but I knew I couldn't stay. I had to take a leap of faith. I had to block everyone else out and listen to me. Something I have not done in a long time. I packed my things and got in my car to leave. I still wasn't sure where I was even going to go, but I was ready. I wasn't staying no matter what.

I got in my car to leave, and realized he had stolen and hidden my car keys. I called him and he knew he had to tell me where they were, so he did. He had hidden them in our barbecue grill. I got in the car and drove. I talked to my mom and stepdad and realized they were on my side. They were so happy and proud that I finally found the strength to leave. So I drove to their house. On the way I thought of a million things I forgot, but I'll deal with that later. I was driving myself toward freedom.

Today was stressful in the morning. I needed to regain possession of my son, and my mother-in-law was hesitant to give him back. He is the most important thing to me through all of this. I can't lose my son. Finally she gave him up, but we still don't have his overnight stuff from her. We will have to somehow get it from her today.

 But now I am finally the one calling the shots, making the decisions for my life. I have a rental house ready down the road from here, but I'm not sure when or how I will get my furniture and things over here. It doesn't matter for now. I am away from the deranged man who said he loved me, but held me prisoner in my own home. You would never understand the nightmare I just lived through.

It's far from over. He will be served with a restraining order within the next few days that should not only protect me, but our son as well for 20 days. Now I'm not all for keeping a father away from his son. In fact it makes me sad, but it's something I have to do for now so he can't use our son against me anymore. He will use anything he can against me at this point and I cannot trust him.

It isn't easy. I'm nervous and stressed out. Everything comfortable and familiar in my life is gone. I have a million questions about how things will go from here, but I'll figure it out. One step at a time, and I have gotten through the hardest step. Leaving the nightmare behind. That is all that matters at this point. I am free. And that in itself feels good.

I am finally free.

The Beginning

Today was extremely hard for me. I'm still nervous and shaking, and telling myself I'm doing the right thing for me and my boy. The easy part of my life is over. Next comes the hard part, and I'm hoping after that will come the happy part.

Today I took my boy to school, then met with my lawyer. Things are about to happen real quick now and I have to know that I'm strong enough to handle it. I filed for a restraining order today. It will go before the judge tomorrow, and if granted (which it should be) it will be served to my husband within 48 hours. Next week, divorce papers will also be served. I will be ambushing him which I feel so bad about, but I did try first just to tell him that I wanted a divorce and was going to leave. I've told him a few different times but he will not let me leave. There is no way he will let me leave amicably. After the restraining order is served he will have a short amount of time to gather what he needs and not return to this house, or anywhere near me for 20 days. He will be ordered not to contact me in any way either.

I will be moving my stuff to my house 2 hours away in these 20 days. I have no idea what my husband will be doing. It is extremely difficult to be so cold-hearted. That is why I've stayed as long as I have. I have stayed for him. Now I want my turn to be happy. I deserve it. As much as he doesn't deserve to be destroyed this way, I don't deserve to be held captive in an abusive relationship either. There will be times very soon where I am going to feel like the worst person in the entire world, and the truth is that there is a chance he will kill himself. I can't stop him from that happening. It would be a decision he would make, and would not be my fault. I just have to remember that.

I know this is just the beginning of a battle that will pretty much destroy me emotionally and financially. I will have to stay strong and look toward the future and know I am doing what I need to do no matter how unpleasant. I hope I can come out the other side stronger and happier. I need to. If not for myself, then for my son.

I HAVE to do it? But can I?

Wish me strength.

The Right Decision

Well, leaving someone after 5 1/2 years is never easy. But I know for absolute certain that I am making the right decision. Abuse issues aside, I just am happier without him. I've stayed with my mom for two nights and I have been happier than I have been for a long time. And as cold hearted as it may sound, I really have no interest in what or how my husband is doing without me. I have no interest in talking to him. He has been calling crying about how much he misses me, and he's upset that I've been ignoring his phone calls, but I just wanted to enjoy myself for my couple of days of freedom. Talking to him puts me in a bad mood.

I dread going back. I feel like I will be going back to prison. It is so emotionally stressful to be there, especially with him being the complete mess that he is now. Because I have to try to comfort him, but he can see right through it because I no longer care. I have already moved on in my mind. I have signed a lease and paid the security deposit for my new house, and will be seeing my lawyer tomorrow. I've opened my own separate bank account. I'm really doing it this time.

Reality is Setting in

For those of you who don't know, I'm out of town at my mom's house trying to find a place to live. I think I've found a 4 bedroom rental home that I like, and hopefully I'll be signing the lease today. This scares me. It brings the reality that I am really leaving into my mind. Once a house is rented, everything will be set in motion, and I won't be able to stop it. Not that I want to stop it. I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do. The only option left for me and my boy to live a happy life. My chance at freedom.

Yesterday I was high on the freedom. I was actually me again. I was excited. I could taste the freedom. I had fun talking to old friends that I haven't been allowed to talk to for years. I laughed and smiled more yesterday than I have in a long time.

However, at night reality set in, and I started thinking What the hell am I doing?! I know I'm doing the right thing. It has to be now. I can't do it any longer, but it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I'm sure I'll always question whether I did the right thing or not.

I survived the sudden death of my father when I was 18. that was the most emotionally taxing thing I ever went through until now. When that happened I thought I'd never get through it. That I would just die of heartache. So I feel if I got through that, and I'm still alive, I can get through this. At times it may feel like I'm going to die of heartache, but life goes on. It has to.

I'm not much in the mood for writing anymore, so...

To be continued. Maybe.

Update: I got approved for the house. I will be signing the lease today. Exciting and scary at the same time!

Thanks for reading.

I Hate the Way You Lie

Eminem - Love the Way You Lie Lyrics

just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that’s alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
that’s alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie

i can’t tell you what it really is
i can only tell you what it feels like
and right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
i can’t breathe but i still fight while i can fight
as long as the wrong feels right it’s like i’m in flight
high off of love drunk from my hate
it’s like i’m huffin’ paint and i love it the more i suffer, i suffocate
and right before i’m about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin’ hates me
and i love it, wait, where you goin’?
i’m leavin’ you, no you ain’t come back
we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap
whose that dude? i don’t even know his name
i laid hands on her
i never stoop so low again
i guess i don’t know my own strength

[chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 2]
you ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
got that warm fuzzy feeling
yeah them chills used to get em
now you’re getting fuckin’ sick of lookin’ at em
you swore you’d never hit em, never do nothin’ to hurt em
now you’re in each other’s face spewin’ venom in your words when you spit em
you push pull each other’s hair
scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
so lost in the moments when you’re in em
it’s the face that’s the culprit, controls ya both,
so they say it’s best to go your seperate ways
guess that they don’t know ya
cause today that was yesterday
yesterday is over, it’s a different day
sound like broken records playin’ over
but you promised her next time you’ll show restraint
you don’t get another chance
life is no nintendo game, but you lied again,
now you get to watch her leave out the window
guess that’s why they call it window pane

[Chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 3]
now i know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean
and we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
but your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me
when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me
maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
all i know is i love you too much to walk away though
come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?
told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
next time i’m pissed ill aim my fist at the drywall
next time there won’t be no next time
i apologize even though i know its lies
i’m tired of the games i just want her back
i know i’m a liar if she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again
i’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire



Today I wonder how many people get these lyrics. I mean really feel them with every part of their being, because they have been living this nightmare for years. I get it. And you know what? I used to believe the lies. I no longer do. This time these lies, this manipulation is going in one ear, and out the other, so to speak. Everything has changed since I have discovered what is really going on here. I tried to give him the courtesy of telling him I am leaving instead of just disappearing one day, but that won't work. I have a problem with being transparent to him. He can usually always look in my eyes and see what I'm thinking and feeling. Because he has studied me for years. So he knew that I was still planning on leaving.

He has made me promise that I'm not leaving, and I hate that because I'm an extremely honest person, and as a general rule, I don't make promises that I don't intend to keep. But this situation is an exception. I understand that we're now playing a mind game, and I can be very manipulative when I want to be. I usually try not to be. But this is a dangerous mind game, and I've decided that I have to be strong now. I'm the only one who can rescue myself from this situation. Two can play at this game. I have to plan each move, being very careful that he doesn't find out what I'm doing. I have to be the best actress of my life right now. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. The more I can convince him I'm sorry for thinking of leaving, and all I want is to stay with him, the less he'll study me and what I'm up to.

His weapon is powerful. Before I gave in and started acting like I love him again, he mindfucked me nonstop for about 24 hours straight. he got me from every angle, even new ones he's never used before.

• Apologizing endlessly and promising that he'll really change this time, that he'll love me the way I deserve to be loved if I give him "just one more chance"
• buying me gifts like flowers and leaving me love notes
• Making me feel selfish for wanting to leave and destroy our family
• Making me feel sorry for him saying he knows he's not as good-looking as me, not as smart as me, that he wouldn't want to be married to himself
• promising me no one could ever love me as much as he does
• Trying to alienate me from the only confidante I have left (my mom) by saying he's talked to her and she has said really bad things about me
• Telling me that my mom is just trying to convince me to leave him for her personal benefit.
• Telling me that something is wrong with me, I'm not thinking straight
• Telling me this is all because I'm bipolar
• Making me feel guilty for wanting to turn our child's life upside down
• telling me this is all my fault, that I have driven him to do the things he's done
• Telling me to remember the good times, how happy we were at our wedding, how he held my hand when our child was born, etc.
• Screaming in my face to intimidate me 
• crying, begging and pleading
• Telling my mom that he takes pictures of the house when it's messy to prove I'm not a good mother
• Telling our child that Mommy doesn't love Daddy anymore and that I want to take him away from home, away from Daddy
• Getting my child to say he wants to stay with Daddy, he doesn't want to be with me
• threatening to kill himself
• punching a hole in the bathroom door
• Yelling and screaming at me in front of our child until he cries and I'll say anything to make him stop
• tricking me by telling me he'll let me go if that will make me happy because he would do anything to make me happy, and then starting the mindfuck all over again when I say I want to leave
• telling me I don't have enough money to leave and he'll be so depressed if I leave he'll get fired and won't even have money to pay me child support
• Telling me I must be on the wrong medications, no one can decide to get divorced that quickly (even though I tried to divorce him last year and have wanted to ever since.)
• Making me feel bad that I could never give our child as good of a life as he has here when we're all together

I think I could go on forever. He kept doing this nonstop until I was almost at that giving up point again. That point where my head is spinning, my mind so confused and upside down that I don't know what I should do. That's how good he is at this game. But he's not getting me this time. I'm fighting back even though it doesn't look like it. I told him I'm sorry, I was wrong. I want our marriage to work, I want to be with him forever. I've been smiling at him, telling him how much I love him, so he'll leave me alone long enough to find a place to live, talk to my lawyer, get a restraining order, secretly pack some things we'll need, take pictures of the valuable things we have that he might destroy, and plan my escape. I'll have to just disappear one day with our son. Only way it can be done. I didn't want to do it that way, but I am being held captive so I need to flee.

At one point while all this fighting was going on, I got scared of him and locked myself in my bathroom and talked to him through the door. He punched a hole in the bathroom door.

Yes, this is exactly the size of his fist. This is not okay. This man is literally twice my size. 6'0" and 190lbs. I'm 5'4" and 105lbs.

On the other hand, the thought of leaving scares me. This life is all I've known for 5 1/2 years. I've never been away from him for more than a few days a year here and there. This will end my life as I know it, and yes, much of it has been a nightmare, but there were good times too. I have to put that out of my mind for now for self-preservation. if not for me, for my sweet little boy who he has now put in the middle of this terrible mess.

Domestic Abuse

I have never wanted to admit to myself that I am in an abusive relationship. I mean, I always thought of domestic abuse and envisioned this dumb, white trash woman. No, it can happen to anyone. Perhaps people in higher social classes are better at hiding it, or people are less likely to assume they are being abused. I mean we look like the average American family with a wonderful, loving life, but that's because I'm a fabulous actress. I always thought appearances were more important than the truth. If we appeared to be a strong, happy family, and no one saw what happened behind closed doors, everything would be okay. Well, as shocked as everyone around us will be, I'm standing up. I'm not living with this shit anymore. I'm better than this. I used to be a strong woman who didn't take shit from anyone. Guess what? I'm back.

So you're all wondering, did he beat me? No, not really, but he has used physical force, restrained me while screaming in my face that he wanted to "beat the fuck out of me," left bruises, choked me, and bit me, not to mention threats with guns. We literally have somewhere around 20 guns in this house, most of them loaded. Most of the abuse has been emotional though, and I'm in the middle of psychological warfare right now. He scared the shit out of me trying to kill himself, and I told him that was really fucked up and not at all okay. So I woke up to flowers, a note going on about how sorry he is, and how if I just give him one more chance he can make me happy. That it will never happen again. Do you know how many "one more chances" he's had? 5 1/2 years worth. He was doing this from the beginning, and this time I'm not falling for it. I've seen it a million times before.

So what makes an intelligent, attractive woman like me stay with someone like that? He's really good at what he does. An expert at psychological warfare. He has convinced me over and over that I did somethimg wrong that put him in a rage, but he was sorry, and it would never happen again. It's easier to keep telling yourself to believe than it is to convince yourself to leave. You start to believe it all. I can't really even explain it that well, but it happens, and let me tell you, it is hard to escape from. There's an edless cycle that consumes you.
It goes like this:

Emotional abuse (also called psychological abuse or mental abuse) can include humiliating the victim privately or publicly, controlling what the victim can and cannot do, withholding information from the victim, deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed, isolating the victim from friends and family, implicitly blackmailing the victim by harming others when the victim expresses independence or happiness, or denying the victim access to money or other basic resources and necessities.

Emotional/verbal abuse is defined as any behavior that threatens, intimidates, undermines the victim’s self-worth or self-esteem, or controls the victim’s freedom. This can include threatening the victim with injury or harm, telling the victim that they will be killed if they ever leave the relationship, and public humiliation. Constant criticism, name-calling, and making statements that damage the victim’s self-esteem are also common forms of emotional abuse. Often perpetrators will use children to engage in emotional abuse by teaching them to harshly criticize the victim as well. Emotional abuse includes conflicting actions or statements which are designed to confuse and create insecurity in the victim. These behaviors also lead the victim to question themselves, causing them to believe that they are making up the abuse or that the abuse is their fault.

Emotional abuse includes forceful efforts to isolate the victim, keeping them from contacting friends or family. This is intended to eliminate those who might try to help the victim leave the relationship and to create a lack of resources for them to rely on if they were to leave. Isolation results in damaging the victim’s sense of internal strength, leaving them feeling helpless and unable to escape from the situation.

People who are being emotionally abused often feel as if they do not own themselves; rather, they may feel that their significant other has nearly total control over them. Women or men undergoing emotional abuse often suffer from depression, which puts them at increased risk for suicide, eating disorders, and drug and alcohol abuse.


Physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.

Physical abuse includes hitting, slapping, punching, choking, pushing, and other types of contact that result in physical injury to the victim. Physical abuse can also include behaviors such as denying the victim of medical care when needed, depriving the victim of sleep or other functions necessary to live, or forcing the victim to engage in drug/alcohol use against his/her will. It can also include inflicting physical injury onto other targets, such as children or pets, in order to cause psychological harm to the victim.

The Cycle of Abuse has three phases: tension building, explosion and honeymoon. Each phase might be as short as a few seconds, or as long as several years. Over time, the honeymoon phase may get smaller and shorter as the explosions become more violent and dangerous. Relationships often start in the honeymoon phase. This can make it especially confusing and scary when the explosion phase happens for the first time.

Explosion There is an outburst of abuse that can include physical, sexual, verbal and/or emotional abuse. The abuser may: • Physically abuse you by hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, etc. • Scream and yell in a way that scares or humiliates you. • Rape or force you to go further sexually than you want to. • Threaten to hurt you.
Tension Building Things start to get tense in the relationship. You may feel like: •You have to tip-toe around your boyfriend or girlfriend so you don’t make them mad. • You can’t do anything right and that you’re getting blamed for things. • The person you’re with is always trying to start arguments or fights with you.		Honeymoon During this stage, the abuser will try and make you forgive and forget whatever just happened in the Explosion phase. They might do this by: • Saying “I love you.” • Apologizing and promising that it will never happen again. • Buying you flowers or other gifts. • Saying that you did something to cause the abuse or blames the explosion on other things, like being drunk or stressed out.

So, yeah, this is how my marriage has went. I mean, exactly. There's no denying it now. I've been stuck in an abusive relationship, and I'm still there, getting flowers and all the bullshit. I can only plan my escape now. It's not easy. I can't just go. He won't let me. I've told him I don't love him anymore, that I don't want to be with him anymore, that I don't want this life, that I want a divorce, but he still thinks he can convince me to stay and he'll do anything he can to try. This makes the situation a bit scary because if he finds that nothing he tries in order to get me to stay works, then I can't say what he might resort to. So I'm carefully planning with this in mind. He can't be here when I go. That's how crimes of passion happen. That's how women like me get killed. Think I'm being over dramatic about it? You're not here. You have no idea the living nightmares I've endured throughout the years. You have no idea how scared I have been of this man.

If there was ever a time to stand up and be strong, now is the time, and I'm keeping that in mind. His mind games are not working this time. Every effort he makes just reaffirms the fact that I am in an abusive relationship. The flowers make me sick. The whole thing does.

I have an appointment with my divorce attorney. As much as I hate it there, I'm going to have to temporarily move back to the town where I went to high school. It's 2 hours from here, and my mom, stepdad and sister live there, along with my in-laws. I wanted to stay around here to keep everything as normal as possible for my son, but under these circumstances, I don't believe it's safe to stay in this area alone. I have been so isolated, I don't know anyone, and it's in the middle of nowhere, so 911 response time is at least a half hour, if not an hour. I could be dead by then. So my mom is looking for a house for me, and I'm just trying to figure out how to leave here with my boy safely.

Wish me luck.