A submission for Twisted Fate Photography
About Me
- Jenny
- Flathead Lake, Montana, United States
- This wasn't supposed to be my life. Or maybe it was. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Confessions and general rantings of an ex-party girl.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Parenting... Win?
Parenting by Harsh Reality
So my 4 1/2 year old boy has been terrible, and mean, and awful to me lately. Not to anybody else, just me, his boring old mom.
He can be the sweetest boy on earth, and this sweet boy is the one most people see. He looks like this:
So, for now, we are buddies again.
So my 4 1/2 year old boy has been terrible, and mean, and awful to me lately. Not to anybody else, just me, his boring old mom.
He can be the sweetest boy on earth, and this sweet boy is the one most people see. He looks like this:
Wait! Don't let that sweet smile fool you. He treats me like his personal slave. Whippings and all. (sorry, did I cross a boundary there? it's okay to talk about slaves but not whipping slaves? okay, I apologize.) His new favorite thing is to scream at me that he wants something "RIGHT. THIS. INSTANT!!!!" It has not been good. I've tried everything. Spanking him. Ignoring him. Yelling at him. Explaining that he isn't being nice. Time-out. refusing to meet his demands. Giving up and giving in to his demands. Nothing worked.
Finally today, I was picking up his toys while he watched me and had a snack because he informed me right away that he wasn't going to help, he was being mean again, and I broke down. I used the harsh truth against him.
As his mother, I know that this mean, rotten kid actually loves me more than anything and is very, very attached to me. He gets jealous that I share a bed with his daddy and not him. He is already dreading preschool because he will have to be away from me. Before going to Grandma's house, he gets nervous and cries and says he doesn't want to leave me.
So today, when I was doing his slave labor, and he was pissed off that I gave him veggies and ranch dip as a snack instead of pop-tarts, I said this:
"You know, someday Mommy is going to die, and be DEAD, and be gone forever. YOU will be sorry for being so mean to me. I always try to be nice to you."
He got real sad, and started eating his veggies, and helped me finish picking up his toys. He has been nice to me ever since.
I can't say it was a strong parenting moment. I was desperate, and I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say those kinds of things to your 4 year old, but it is the only thing that has worked, and it does happen to be the truth.
So, for now, we are buddies again.
Money Matters
I wanted to write about something fun today, but I am consumed by overwhelming fear of what is to come in the fairly near future. It is depressing me, and panicking me, and I feel helpless to do anything about it.
All of my life, I have been taken care of financially by my dad. He spoiled me as a girl and teen. I learned to love quality, luxury, money.
When my dad died I was 18. He had a life insurance policy worth nearly $800,000. Split between my brother and I, we each ended up with somewhere along the line of $360,000. At the time, it seemed like a fortune, but I was still careful with it.
Fast-forward 9 1/2 years. I have never had a job. I have always lived off of this money. The falling stock market took an $80,000 bite out of it. My husband and I have dipped into the money to buy a car, a truck, a hot tub, a 55 inch HDTV, 2 boats, a $1000 play set for our son, and many other luxuries. When I did our taxes, I was sickened that last year, we spent $58,000 out of my accounts. I can't even begin to figure out where all that money went.
For nearly 10 years I have felt financially secure knowing I had money to fall back on. I have never worried about my credit because I always figured I could just pay for things. My credit is bad. Very bad.
The money is nearly gone. It makes me sick and anxious, and panicked, and crazy. How will we get by when the money is gone? I never planned for it to run out. I never thought it would, and now all those luxuries make me want to cry because I know I can never have my money back for them. it is gone. nearly gone.
What the Hell have we been thinking? There's a recession going on out there, and we have EVERYTHING. Our only child has enough toys to satisfy an entire daycare center.
Not to mention, my marriage has had its rocky times. I have always felt secure knowing that if things fell apart, I would at least have that money. When that money is gone, I will be financially dependent on a man. Something I swore to myself I would never be. Somewhere my life has gone terribly wrong. I was supposed to have a lucrative career by now. That was always the plan, but I have struck out at nearly every endeavor I have attempted.
I feel like I need to do something fast, and in this economy, photography is not going to cut it.
We have been careless with our money in a time where people just can't afford to be careless with money, and that has a been a big mistake.
I am so deeply sorry for my irresponsible ways. I thought we had money. I was right about that. We HAD money, and there is no way to rewind and get it back.
Life lesson learned.
All of my life, I have been taken care of financially by my dad. He spoiled me as a girl and teen. I learned to love quality, luxury, money.
When my dad died I was 18. He had a life insurance policy worth nearly $800,000. Split between my brother and I, we each ended up with somewhere along the line of $360,000. At the time, it seemed like a fortune, but I was still careful with it.
Fast-forward 9 1/2 years. I have never had a job. I have always lived off of this money. The falling stock market took an $80,000 bite out of it. My husband and I have dipped into the money to buy a car, a truck, a hot tub, a 55 inch HDTV, 2 boats, a $1000 play set for our son, and many other luxuries. When I did our taxes, I was sickened that last year, we spent $58,000 out of my accounts. I can't even begin to figure out where all that money went.
For nearly 10 years I have felt financially secure knowing I had money to fall back on. I have never worried about my credit because I always figured I could just pay for things. My credit is bad. Very bad.
The money is nearly gone. It makes me sick and anxious, and panicked, and crazy. How will we get by when the money is gone? I never planned for it to run out. I never thought it would, and now all those luxuries make me want to cry because I know I can never have my money back for them. it is gone. nearly gone.
What the Hell have we been thinking? There's a recession going on out there, and we have EVERYTHING. Our only child has enough toys to satisfy an entire daycare center.
Not to mention, my marriage has had its rocky times. I have always felt secure knowing that if things fell apart, I would at least have that money. When that money is gone, I will be financially dependent on a man. Something I swore to myself I would never be. Somewhere my life has gone terribly wrong. I was supposed to have a lucrative career by now. That was always the plan, but I have struck out at nearly every endeavor I have attempted.
I feel like I need to do something fast, and in this economy, photography is not going to cut it.
We have been careless with our money in a time where people just can't afford to be careless with money, and that has a been a big mistake.
I am so deeply sorry for my irresponsible ways. I thought we had money. I was right about that. We HAD money, and there is no way to rewind and get it back.
Life lesson learned.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Mission Accomplished
So it all began when I enrolled my 4-year-old son in ballet classes last February. Yes, my son. I wrote in this previous post about having my boy in ballet.
Anyway, I brought my camera to take pictures of the class one day because I wanted some pictures of my adorable boy dancing. I mentioned to his instructor (who owns the dance studio) that I am a photographer. That statement was both true and misleading.
True because I take pictures, and love doing so. You can see some of my hobby work here. Misleading because I had never actually had a paying photography job. I mostly just took pictures of my adorable boy.
So the studio owner told me she was looking for a photographer and we should talk sometime. Here's how the "interview" went.
1) Showed her a disc of my photography.
2) Showed her 8x10 prints of my photography
3) Talked about backdrops and studio lighting like I knew what I was talking about
4) Got the job to do dance portraits for all of the dance students (around 30)
Here's how my preparation went:
1) Thought about how I only had 3 backdrops, 1 black one which I ruined by washing and drying it, 1 white one, and 1 chromakey green one.
2) Decided white was too boring and wouldn't work well with all of the costumes. Decided I would do a chroma key (commonly referred to as green screen) backdrop even though I had no experience with it.
3) Told dance studio owner I was going to do green screen portraits.
4) Practiced taking photos of my son in front of green backdrop
5) Realized I didn't own Chroma Key software
6) Bought Chroma Key software
7) Continued practicing
8) Decided my backdrop was cheap, crappy, and would be a pain in the ass to use.
9) Decided my lens was not the right lens to use
10) Decided to borrow equipment from borrowlenses.com
11) Couldn't get feet to show up in pictures without green covering them.
Pictures looked like this:
12) Went shopping at Home Depot for floor props to fix the cut off feet problem
Pictures looked like this:
Anyway, I brought my camera to take pictures of the class one day because I wanted some pictures of my adorable boy dancing. I mentioned to his instructor (who owns the dance studio) that I am a photographer. That statement was both true and misleading.
True because I take pictures, and love doing so. You can see some of my hobby work here. Misleading because I had never actually had a paying photography job. I mostly just took pictures of my adorable boy.
So the studio owner told me she was looking for a photographer and we should talk sometime. Here's how the "interview" went.
1) Showed her a disc of my photography.
2) Showed her 8x10 prints of my photography
3) Talked about backdrops and studio lighting like I knew what I was talking about
4) Got the job to do dance portraits for all of the dance students (around 30)
Here's how my preparation went:
1) Thought about how I only had 3 backdrops, 1 black one which I ruined by washing and drying it, 1 white one, and 1 chromakey green one.
2) Decided white was too boring and wouldn't work well with all of the costumes. Decided I would do a chroma key (commonly referred to as green screen) backdrop even though I had no experience with it.
3) Told dance studio owner I was going to do green screen portraits.
4) Practiced taking photos of my son in front of green backdrop
5) Realized I didn't own Chroma Key software
6) Bought Chroma Key software
7) Continued practicing
8) Decided my backdrop was cheap, crappy, and would be a pain in the ass to use.
9) Decided my lens was not the right lens to use
10) Decided to borrow equipment from borrowlenses.com
11) Couldn't get feet to show up in pictures without green covering them.
Pictures looked like this:
12) Went shopping at Home Depot for floor props to fix the cut off feet problem
Pictures looked like this:
13) Freaked out about doing the pictures. Decided I was in over my head, and completely crazy.
14) Decided it would work out.
15) Decided I would mess it up, and it would be a disaster. Also remembered I am scared of working with kids.
16) Didn't sleep all night the night before picture day.
17) Nearly had a nervous breakdown because 4 girls had green AND blue dresses which would not work against the green screen.
18) Packed up and brought my white background and decided to figure something out later.
19) Had husband help me transport and set up backdrops, lighting, and props.
20) Took some Adderall, and got through the day.
21) Had to move equipment and take pictures again a week later.
22) To make a long story short: Finished taking pictures.
23) Edited pictures and added backdrops.
24) breathed a sigh of relief.
25) Studio owner told me I should do the pictures for the Christmas recital.
26) I agreed with studio owner.
27) The End.
Here's how the pictures came out!
So now I feel like an actual photographer. I need business cards, a website, and a listing in the phone book. I might add that I'm glad this job is almost over because I'm a bit burned out on it.
Thanks for reading!
Friday, June 3, 2011
The In-laws are Coming! The In-laws are Coming!
So my son has his dance recital Saturday night. Somehow, my husband's whole family will be able to make it. yay. Did you hear the sarcasm in that yay? It was there. I promise. I would never say yay for real about anyone coming here. Especially my husband's family.
They're not bad people, they're just the opposite of me, and some of them don't take hints, and well, I'm too polite to straight up tell them what I think. Though after 5 years of things going unsaid, there is a part of me that would like to punch them sometimes. And I've never punched anyone, ever.
List of Annoying In-law Habits:
1) MIL always does laundry, organizes cupboards, and tries to line up household projects for me while she's here. Yes, it sounds like a nice gesture, but I am CEO of this household and I don't want anyone trying to teach me how to keep it clean. Not to mention, I can never find anything after she leaves. To combat this problem, I have thoroughly cleaned the house and folded all clean laundry and put it away. cupboards are organized, I even vacuumed under the furniture.
2) Granny-in-law harasses me about not calling her. ever. I thought she would get the hint after 5 years that I don't want to talk to her. I've made it pretty obvious to any sane person. I don't even like talking on the phone to ANYONE. Chances are, if you call, I will not answer my phone. I only answer my phone to relay important messages, or to arrange a time to talk in person. Most of the time though, I do my socializing on the internet. Tell granny if she wants to talk to me to get a facebook account. Actually last time she saw me using facebook she asked what it was. I responded that it was a social networking site. She then proceeded to ask me if it was some kind of computer game.
3) Granny-in-law and MIL come into my household and pray, and tell my child lies about God and Jesus and if there is a holiday, yep, we get religious presents. I don't think they even know what a Buddha is. I have 6 of them in plain sight when you enter our house, along with malas and other Buddhist symbols. I also don't think they notice that I leave the room every time they mention The Lord, God, Jesus, or church. Seriously, I'm not subtle about it. My son has children's books about meditation, and Buddha stories for children. I may not be the best Buddhist, but I'm Buddhist, and raising my child with Buddhist principles. My husband seems to be without a religion. When they give my son books about God over and over I pack them away. We are not a Christian family. I am not ashamed of it. I don't want to have to come out and tell them because it seems obvious to me that they should have figured it out by now. I think they just choose not to respect my religious choices because they believe their religion is the right religion, and their poor grandson/great-grandson is destined for Hell because of his evil Buddhist mother.
3) The hugging. Yuck. I am not, I repeat NOT a touchy-feely person. I have a large personal space bubble. I hate people touching me. I don't really even like to hug/cuddle with/be held by my husband very much, and I love him dearly. Last time I was around Granny-in-law, I nearly hit her. It was a fight-or-flight response. I walked in the door of my MIL's house and there was Granny, so I gave her the obligatory hug. That bitch bear-hugged me and WOULD NOT let my go. She was bear hugging me against all her old lady fat, and talking directly into my face, like an inch away. I could feel her breath. Worse, I could smell her breath. No one wants granny breath in their face, I don't care who you are. To make the whole situation worse, she was harassing me about not calling her while trapping me in a bear hug and talking an inch from my face. Seriously I don't even let my husband do stuff like that. If you ever meet me, please don't touch me. And don't expect me to talk to you on the phone. Grandpa-in-law is almost worse. He hugs me in a creepy way, I swear. he hugs me so tight I can feel my silicone boobies squishing against my chest. He also talks about 3 inches from me, and seems like he always wants to put his hands on me. His excuse for being a "close-talker" is that he is hard of hearing. I don't buy it. He has hearing aids. Those should help. I think Gramps is a bit creepy. I think MIL has figured out for the most part that I don't like to be hugged, but I still have to hug her. At least she makes it quick. Though, when we do the "goodbye hug" she always starts crying. I also don't appreciate people crying on me.
4) My sister-in-law acts like she's better than me. The first time I met her, we were both pregnant, and she was really rude to me. The second time I met her, we were still both pregnant, and she made it perfectly clear that she didn't like me. Things have gotten a bit better over the years, but first impressions tend to stick, and my first impression was that she was a total bitch.
I could probably go on and on, but those are the main things i hate about the in-laws, and I have to go get ready to take dance portraits this afternoon.
Thanks for reading. Do your in-laws have habits that drive you crazy? Leave a comment telling about the annoying things your in-laws do :)
They're not bad people, they're just the opposite of me, and some of them don't take hints, and well, I'm too polite to straight up tell them what I think. Though after 5 years of things going unsaid, there is a part of me that would like to punch them sometimes. And I've never punched anyone, ever.
This is Granny-in-law with Hubby
Sister-in-law with her family
Mother-in-law with my boy, old, old granny, hubby, and me
List of Annoying In-law Habits:
1) MIL always does laundry, organizes cupboards, and tries to line up household projects for me while she's here. Yes, it sounds like a nice gesture, but I am CEO of this household and I don't want anyone trying to teach me how to keep it clean. Not to mention, I can never find anything after she leaves. To combat this problem, I have thoroughly cleaned the house and folded all clean laundry and put it away. cupboards are organized, I even vacuumed under the furniture.
2) Granny-in-law harasses me about not calling her. ever. I thought she would get the hint after 5 years that I don't want to talk to her. I've made it pretty obvious to any sane person. I don't even like talking on the phone to ANYONE. Chances are, if you call, I will not answer my phone. I only answer my phone to relay important messages, or to arrange a time to talk in person. Most of the time though, I do my socializing on the internet. Tell granny if she wants to talk to me to get a facebook account. Actually last time she saw me using facebook she asked what it was. I responded that it was a social networking site. She then proceeded to ask me if it was some kind of computer game.
3) Granny-in-law and MIL come into my household and pray, and tell my child lies about God and Jesus and if there is a holiday, yep, we get religious presents. I don't think they even know what a Buddha is. I have 6 of them in plain sight when you enter our house, along with malas and other Buddhist symbols. I also don't think they notice that I leave the room every time they mention The Lord, God, Jesus, or church. Seriously, I'm not subtle about it. My son has children's books about meditation, and Buddha stories for children. I may not be the best Buddhist, but I'm Buddhist, and raising my child with Buddhist principles. My husband seems to be without a religion. When they give my son books about God over and over I pack them away. We are not a Christian family. I am not ashamed of it. I don't want to have to come out and tell them because it seems obvious to me that they should have figured it out by now. I think they just choose not to respect my religious choices because they believe their religion is the right religion, and their poor grandson/great-grandson is destined for Hell because of his evil Buddhist mother.
3) The hugging. Yuck. I am not, I repeat NOT a touchy-feely person. I have a large personal space bubble. I hate people touching me. I don't really even like to hug/cuddle with/be held by my husband very much, and I love him dearly. Last time I was around Granny-in-law, I nearly hit her. It was a fight-or-flight response. I walked in the door of my MIL's house and there was Granny, so I gave her the obligatory hug. That bitch bear-hugged me and WOULD NOT let my go. She was bear hugging me against all her old lady fat, and talking directly into my face, like an inch away. I could feel her breath. Worse, I could smell her breath. No one wants granny breath in their face, I don't care who you are. To make the whole situation worse, she was harassing me about not calling her while trapping me in a bear hug and talking an inch from my face. Seriously I don't even let my husband do stuff like that. If you ever meet me, please don't touch me. And don't expect me to talk to you on the phone. Grandpa-in-law is almost worse. He hugs me in a creepy way, I swear. he hugs me so tight I can feel my silicone boobies squishing against my chest. He also talks about 3 inches from me, and seems like he always wants to put his hands on me. His excuse for being a "close-talker" is that he is hard of hearing. I don't buy it. He has hearing aids. Those should help. I think Gramps is a bit creepy. I think MIL has figured out for the most part that I don't like to be hugged, but I still have to hug her. At least she makes it quick. Though, when we do the "goodbye hug" she always starts crying. I also don't appreciate people crying on me.
4) My sister-in-law acts like she's better than me. The first time I met her, we were both pregnant, and she was really rude to me. The second time I met her, we were still both pregnant, and she made it perfectly clear that she didn't like me. Things have gotten a bit better over the years, but first impressions tend to stick, and my first impression was that she was a total bitch.
I could probably go on and on, but those are the main things i hate about the in-laws, and I have to go get ready to take dance portraits this afternoon.
Thanks for reading. Do your in-laws have habits that drive you crazy? Leave a comment telling about the annoying things your in-laws do :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
My Bipolar Life
I am a perfectionist. I am always frustrated that I cannot be perfect though. I am rather far from perfect. Don't get me wrong, I can make myself appear pretty damn perfect for a limited amount of time. I am attractive, intelligent, and for short periods of time, on the right medications, I can get along fabulously with other people. I have been trying to deny my bipolarness my whole life. I have learned to act my way through every day life. It is exhausting. It is a problem when my feelings and emotions don't reflect on how I think about my life. I can be perfectly happy with my life and be hiding under my covers crying, trying to block life out of my brain. I know, it makes no sense.
When I was 22 I had a complete breakdown, and spent a week in a psychiatric hospital. I started dating the man who is now my husband the day after I got out of the hospital. It wasn't like I had just met him. We went to high school together and had a we-were-sleeping-together kind of relationship for about a week. So we kind of picked up where we left off. A month later I found out I was pregnant. two months after that, we got married.
When I was 22 I had a complete breakdown, and spent a week in a psychiatric hospital. I started dating the man who is now my husband the day after I got out of the hospital. It wasn't like I had just met him. We went to high school together and had a we-were-sleeping-together kind of relationship for about a week. So we kind of picked up where we left off. A month later I found out I was pregnant. two months after that, we got married.
I managed to convince myself I wasn't bipolar anymore. I do this often. I blamed my mood shifts on pregnancy hormones. I always describe the time I was pregnant as nine months of being depressed or pissed off. I was not fun to be around.
Somehow, our marriage survived, and it is alive and well now, 5 years later. I was lucky. I accidentally got pregnant with someone I love. Someone who loves me in return.
I've never wanted him to know the extent of my psychological problems. I have a hard time believing anyone would understand, especially someone who has never felt like screaming or crying for no good reason. I have panic attacks, then feel humiliated that it happened in front of him. Then he compares my actions to those of a child, and I feel worthless. I feel like my husband deserves a wife who makes sense. I feel like my son deserves a mother who will not emotionally scar him.
I don't explain to my husband what happens in my head, because it doesn't make sense and I don't want to be a crazy person, I don't want him to know I'm a crazy person. But after 5 years, it is getting exhausting. Every time I have a problem, he assumes I hate him, or I hate my life. He always thinks I want to leave him which is not really the case. Yesterday for example, life was all fine and good, but I was in a terrible mood for no reason. He spent the evening trying to figure out why I was in a bad mood. The problem was that there was no reason.
I have just recently been trying to accept myself this way. I usually hate myself for it. Like I said, I am a perfectionist, and I usually hate myself for being unable to be perfect. I want to be a stable person. I want to be able to control my feelings and emotions. I want to be a stable mother and wife. I'm starting to understand that no matter how frustrating it is to me, I just don't get to be the person I want to be. I don't get to be a stable person. I have tried, and tried, and tried, and gotten burned out trying.
I feel the worst for my family. My husband literally lives to make me happy, to see me smile, to see me be happy with my life. He doesn't get to have that. No matter how good I feel about my life, I will always be freaking out about something, or more frustratingly, freaking out about nothing. I feel awful for my little boy who does things like picks me flowers and gives them to me when I'm crying hysterically in bed because he "wants me to feel happy."
I also have no friends because I'm terrified of the day they would realize I'm not ok. I'm not a normal person. I'm defective. It would only be a matter of time. I can only keep up appearances for so long. I have been abandoned by pretty much every friend I've ever had. By that I mean that they refuse to speak to me. I never did anything to them, I gather that I was just too much to deal with.
Every social event terrifies me. What if I have a panic attack and completely lose it? What would people think of me? I would die of humiliation. I want to be ok. I want to be emotionally stable. I don't get to have that.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sidewalk Chalk. Makes me Happy?
Usually I am a pretty negative, sarcastic, cynical person. For some reason, drawing with sidewalk chalk on a sunny day changes my personality. I have no idea why, but put me in the sunshine with some sidewalk chalk, and I turn into a happy 13 year-old girl. My favorite sidewalk chalk colors are pink and purple. I like to scrawl things about my husband that a teen girl would write about a boy she has a crush on. I somehow think I'm funny and cute when I do this. I also like to draw the happiest of pictures like rainbows, hearts, and butterflies. I like to believe I'm a good sidewalk chalk artist, bringing light and happiness to all. I know, I'm a total crazy person.
Here are some sidewalk chalk drawings of a crazy person:
Happy rainbow
I profess my love for my husband
Pretty pink heart
Yes, when added together, we equal love. I think that is called algebra...
My butterfly buddy
And my boy's name. Can't leave out that little cutie!
The End.
Here are some sidewalk chalk drawings of a crazy person:
Happy rainbow
I profess my love for my husband
Pretty pink heart
Yes, when added together, we equal love. I think that is called algebra...
My butterfly buddy
And my boy's name. Can't leave out that little cutie!
The End.
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