Shades of Gray

In my experience, people tend to view life in black and white. That is, they see things as good or bad, right or wrong. I've never run into so much black and white thinking as I have since I moved back in with my husband. Everyone on the outside of our relationship thinks I'm insane, thinks when you realize you're in an abusive relationship that the only answer is to move on and never look back. Everyone also thinks he's insane, thinks when your wife just packs up and leaves you, then files a restraining order against you, that you don't just take her back. But here's the thing, the problems in our relationship were never cut and dry. Starting out was hard on us and we lost sight of what really mattered in life.

We both had problems when we first started dating with me right out of a psychiatric hospital, and him just out of drug rehab. We liked to drink and party. We were unstable, but we were also madly in love with each other. So when we found out I was pregnant, after many tears, a good amount of cussing, and a glass of wine, we decided to go through with it. Oh, I didn't mention that I had no religious or moral objections to abortion, so we had to make the choice. Continuing on. We envisioned this beautiful life together with our baby, and we got married when I was 4 months pregnant. Not because I was pregnant, but because at that point in time both of us could honestly say we wanted to spend the rest of our life with the other person. So we got married and had a baby.

Let's fast forward to recently. I figured out I was in an abusive relationship with this man. Mostly emotionally abusive which is devastating when you're bipolar and have no one else you can completely trust. Still, I rescued myself from the situation. That's how I saw it, and it's probably still true. At the time, I had to leave. Since I filed a restraining order on him, we more or less weren't allowed to communicate for 20 days. Then we had a court hearing where I either had to dismiss the restraining order, or explain why I still wanted it. I never intended to extend it past the 20 days so I went in the courtroom and dismissed like I had planned. What I hadn't planned was that my husband and I haven't really been apart since then.

That's where everyone else starts seeing black and white and doesn't understand what either one of us is doing now. I'm sure all of you out there that have read my blog for awhile think the same thing as everyone else right now.I came so far, I fought so hard, only to fall right back to where I was. And people on his side don't get it either. I up and left him, filed a restraining order on him, turned his world upside-down, and broke his heart. Why on earth would we take the other one back.

Well, life isn't black and white. It is full of gray areas. Most people won't tell you that. Most people don't even want to accept it. it is comfortable thinking there is a right answer to everything. It is a thought that helps people get through life. You can look back and say "I did the right thing." Or when faced with a difficult decision, you choose what you believe to be the right choice, do you not? But here's a reality check. Neither choice is right or wrong. Because you cannot, I mean absoultely in no possible way, tell what will happen in the future. You might come to that point where you have to make a tough decision and think about what the future will look like depending on what choice you make, but no matter how good your imagination may be, you cannot tell what the future holds. You may be dead tomorrow. Your husband or wife may be dead tomorrow. Your child may be dead tomorrow. Now that is just an example. Death is not the only unexpected event that can change your life forever. In fact, everything changes your life forever. things will happen to you that you won't see coming. No matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for life, life is going to happen to you, and in my experience, it rarely happens the way you plan. I accept this fact. I am completely defenseless against the future. Now I'm not talking about destiny. The opposite actually. I am talking about the decisions we make in life. No matter how trivial they may seem, every decision changes your future.

Not long ago I was talking to a guy on twitter. A nice guy. A guy that was so nice that girls weren't interested in him because he was too nice. He said to me that he needs to stop being so nice. The thought struck me as odd. He needed to stop being nice to people to avoid getting hurt over and over. He needed to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, and stop trusting people so much so he wouldn't get hurt. Probably true, the less you trust people, the less you will get hurt. Especially with your innermost thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The less you trust people, the more you expect the worst out of people, the less you will be left destroyed and broken. What a terrible way to live life. Why not jump in wholeheartedly? If you get hurt, well, that's how life happens sometimes. But if you jump in with everything you've got, if you trust in someone or something completely, if you have nothing but faith that things will work out the way you want them to and things do work out, then you know. You know it is true because you never shielded yourself, tried to protect yourself. You never did anything but be your true self, put yourself out there in a "take it or leave it" sort of way, then if it works out, it is the real thing.

When I left my husband and thought we were getting divorced, everyone told me to have faith in the future. That I would find happiness if I just had faith. But they never thought I would use that advice in the opposite situation. They never wanted me to, because it goes against their black and white thoughts. But after 20 days of being apart, after both of us acccepting that our marriage was over, I believe my husband and I did some much needed growing up. We looked at our lives and all the things we wanted to ignore about them. We looked at ourselves and both of us were disappointed in the way we had treated each other. And after 20 days of awful, lonely reflection, we both still wanted each other. Wanted to be better people and live the life we should have always been living together. I made a choice. If you're a black and white thinker, it was the wrong choice. But I think in shades of gray. I made the decision to put faith in my husband, someone who I know once upon a time loved me truly and deeply. I made the decision to go back to my old life, but go back to it with a different attitude. I could look at the past and just see the hurt and blame it all on him. I could look into the future and imagine how i can't trust him because he could hurt me again, but you know what? I can't tell the future. We may just go on valuing each other more, not taking love for granted. We may make it through this, and be a stronger family for it. We may have learned invaluable lessons about ourselves from this that will help us lead the life we always wanted. Life is never cut and dry. Will you be happier in the long run starting over, or picking up the pieces? Your guess is as good as mine, but I am making the decision to pick up the pieces of our so-called failed relationship and together, along with my husband, put them back together and go on. I choose to put faith back in us. And no one can tell me it's the wrong decision. because I don't live my life in fear of being hurt. I live boldly. Living without fear of being hurt may actually lead to more pain, but when it doesn't, life is beautiful and full. So while everyone tells me I'm making the wrong decision, I'm still going to make it, and I'm going to put everything I have into it, because to me there is no right or wrong choice. Whatever may happen, I will know that I gave this life my all. I choose faith.