From Abused to Abusive

Since I have moved back in with my husband, there has been a shift in power. When I was reading all about domestic abuse there was one article that talked about how abused women often become abusers in future relationships. I didn't really think much of it at the time. I mean, I know how awful it feels to have someone treat you terribly so I obviously would never do that to someone. Or so I thought.

While I was gone, all my husband wanted was for me and our son to come back. He even told his lawyer that. When his lawyer was asking what he wanted out of the divorce my husband said all he wanted was his wife and son back. His lawyer told him he was an idiot. My husband would do anything to get me back. He knew his manipulative ways weren't getting me back this time. He said while I was gone he spent a lot of time looking in the mirror and hating the person he saw. The person he had become. How could he treat the person he loved more than anyone in the world so badly? He has admitted 100% without a doubt that he was abusive to me. He quit smoking pot because he realized that had a lot to do with it.

He really has changed which surprises me. I came back waiting for him to slip back  into having no respect for me. I'm still not considering it an impossibility and I'm watching for it. I still have my lawyer on retainer. We haven't dismissed the divorced. We have filed an abatement which means the divorce proceedings are just on hold right where we left off and can be continued at any time if one of us so chooses.

Anyway, since I've come back I can't help but feel like he owes me something. I mean I could have stayed where I was and left him broken-hearted, but I did what he wanted me to do. I came back. That's all he wanted anyway right? At any cost right? As long as I'm back I should be able to do whatever I want because the point is that I'm back and that's what he wanted right?

Well, no solid relationship can be built on feelings like that. I shouldn't feel that way. I want to get along with him, but he would never know it. I have begun to treat him the way he treated me. I have no patience with him. I snap at him all of the time. When he tries to hug me I usually try to pull away. I don't think at all of his feelings. I offer him no support when it comes to the stress of daily life. I yell at him. I blame him for everything. I hurt him all the time. I have rarely seen this man cry until lately. He cries now because he is so nice to me and I am just plain mean to him. I have no regard for his feelings. I expect him to do what I want to do all of the time and if he doesn't I make his life hell. I withhold my love while he is giving his freely. And on top of the way I treat him, I still expect him to be the opposite. To pay attention to me. To show me love and affection even while I'm being a complete bitch.

I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. It really isn't fair to him. Deep down I know I am completely unfair to him. We  get in fights and I tell him to just go find someone else. I say it in a mean way, but I'm half serious. Everyone deserves someone who loves and respects them. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who would. The thought of him with someone else makes me sick though. I've actually thrown up just at the thought of it.

I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with me. It seems it may have been better for everyone involved had I just stayed where I was and never came back. I really don't know why I do it though and I am terrified that perhaps I just don't know how to have any kind of relationship besides an abusive one. Perhaps I am so used to unhealthy relationships that I really could never manage to have a healthy relationship. I don't know how healthy relationships work. I am used to one person having all the power and the other person having none. Tides have turned. I am the bad guy.