"The One"

I am plagued by chronic existential thought processes. That is to say, I can't seem to go a minute without thinking, analyzing, and questioning my life. These thoughts always drift back to one subject. My marriage. My marriage that was almost dissolved a month or so ago.

I must admit when I was young, I was pretty obsessed with Disney movies. The kind where the girl goes through a struggle, but still ends up finding her prince, her one true love, and living happily ever after. Now I always imagined my life would be this way. It was the focus of my entire life for a long time. There were many times along the way that I thought I found him, only to be disappointed when he turned out not to be the one. I've pretty much always been the heart-breaker in a relationship. I always let him go when he didn't live up to my expectations of all consuming love.

There's always this talk of "the one" the "one true love, the "soulmate." I have a hard time thinking I could ever be totally and completely happy with one man for the rest of my life. I'm the kind of person who has to try all the options before I choose one. When I'm in the car listening to XM, I flip through all the channels before I choose a song to listen to. Even if I find one I like, I have to check the other channels to see if there is one I like more. I do this with everything in my life. I've rarely finished anything I've started because I get tired of it, and decide to move on to something else. Every school program, every hobby, every project I try turns out this way. I mean everything. I thrive on novelty, and when the novelty wears off of something and it becomes routine, I no longer enjoy it, and I move on to something else.

That being said, I'm not sure I could ever find "the one" and live happily ever after. I'm always curious and want to try new things. Had I not had a child, this might be an acceptable way to go about relationships, but being a mother is something I can't quit. And I can't drag my kid from one man, one life, to another, and another and another. I like my husband. Things have changed dramatically since before I left. He is loving and nice and considerate even when I am not. We have been interacting with each other every day, working together to get things done, and even having a good time while doing most of it. But love is a sore subject. He tells me he knows that I am the one for him. That he could never ever love another person as much as he loves me. I am honest. I tell him I don't feel the same way. I tell him I love him, but how could I possibly know if he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? I don't know what the future may hold. I have a hard time thinking I could ever commit to anything for the rest of my life, besides my son of course, but even with that I know a day will come when he has his own family and I won't need to be a daily part of my life. I can't imagine the thought of doing anything on a daily basis for the rest of my life. The thought scares me.

So keeping one person in my life every day for the rest of my life? I can't honestly commit to that. Does that mean he's not "the one" for me? Maybe. Or does it mean I'm just afraid of commitment? Maybe. I'll just have to take this relationship as I do everything else. Day by day. With the thought that I could someday change my mind at any time if I felt I needed to.

The only problem, and the one that has me confused the most, is that somewhere along the way, I gave a piece of my heart away to another man. I can't seem to get it back. I think he will always have it. So I may never be able to give my whole heart to my husband or anyone else. And if that is the truth, then my husband couldn't possibly be the one right? But then again, a love that could never possibly be, is somewhat like a fantasy. I can imagine living happily ever after with a person whom I don't spend every day of my life with. Someone who could be as perfect as my imagination can create. So perhaps I am just drawn to the fantasy. The possibility of falling so in love that the rest of the world fades away. But seriously, who feels that way every day. When there are bills to pay, money to be made, a home to keep clean, a child to raise, and for me, a life to pick apart day after day with no success of making any sense of it. Perhaps the perfect love for me is the one I can never have. The one I can only dream about. The one who isn't here with me for me to pick apart. The one I am left with a lingering thought of.