Weather or Not

There is snow on the ground today and suddenly the idea of forever is once again scaring the shit out of me. I really try to be a positive person, but somehow the negativity just seems to keep creeping in. I hate Montana. I hate it here. I hate the weather. I hate that it's extremely boring. I hate that there is very little cultural or racial diversity.

The biggest thing I miss that I had when I was separated from my husband is the feeling that my life could be whatever I wanted to make it. The possibilities were endless. I had the freedom to decide what kind of life I wanted to live and go about doing so. Now I am back here with my future all laid out for me. I married a Montana man, and now I've failed to divorce him twice. Yes, I will be stuck here forever. That is if I stay with him forever. The idea is already freaking me out again. I feel pressure to recommit and I don't know that I'm ready to do that.

When I came back it was supposed to be a trial period to see if things would work out this time. Now my son is back in school and dance classes and I'm trying to get out of the lease I signed on my house. On top of that, now my husband has said that if I want to leave again he will just quit his job and move to Alaska and never be sseen again, and would just send me checks in the mail because he hates it here without me and our son. So already it would be hard to leave again, and that's not the way this was supposed to work. Yes, I'm feeling the pressure.

I've been getting depressed again. It's sometimes hard to distinguish bipolar related depression from lifestyle depression, but this time I don't think it's from being bipolar. I think it's the thought that just a few weeks ago I had a blank future. Anything could happen and it was exciting. Now my future is once again laid out for me and I'm not sure I like it. When I had a blank future with nothing but possibilities, I did have someone special in my life who I saw possibly having a place in my future. I thought it would be easier to give that up than it has been. I miss him. I miss the thought of him. I miss the possibility of him. I'm wondering whether I have made the biggest mistake of all by agreeing to give my marriage one last chance.

It's complicated though. I found it was going to be extremely difficult for me to be able to get a good job to be able to provide for myself and my son. Either way, staying or leaving, I need to start finding a way to make some sort of income. So I've decided I would like to maybe take up welding. I pretty much have all the tools I would need right here at my disposal. I think I would be good at it. I have a good steady hand for using cutting torches, plasma cutters, and welders. If I was good at it, then someday if I needed to I might be able to get a job at a machining shop, or a construction site. I mean it's not much job security, but if I have everything here that I need to be able to learn and practice, I figure why not. It's always interested me. My dad was a certified welder, my ex-boyfriend Ryan was a welder at a machining shop and I would hang out at the shop with him and the guys after hours when they would build things for themselves like steel bumpers for their trucks. Deerstopper bumpers.

All in all, life is okay, but wintertime in Montana always makes me feel depressed, and I'm still not sure whether or not this life here as a happy family is going to work out for me.