Money Matters

I wanted to write about something fun today, but I am consumed by overwhelming fear of what is to come in the fairly near future. It is depressing me, and panicking me, and I feel helpless to do anything about it.

All of my life, I have been taken care of financially by my dad. He spoiled me as a girl and teen. I learned to love quality, luxury, money.

When my dad died I was 18. He had a life insurance policy worth nearly $800,000. Split between my brother and I, we each ended up with somewhere along the line of $360,000. At the time, it seemed like a fortune, but I was still careful with it.

Fast-forward 9 1/2 years. I have never had a job. I have always lived off of this money. The falling stock market took an $80,000 bite out of it. My husband and I have dipped into the money to buy a car, a truck, a hot tub, a 55 inch HDTV, 2 boats, a $1000 play set for our son, and many other luxuries. When I did our taxes, I was sickened that last year, we spent $58,000 out of my accounts. I can't even begin to figure out where all that money went.

For nearly 10 years I have felt financially secure knowing I had money to fall back on. I have never worried about my credit because I always figured I could just pay for things. My credit is bad. Very bad.

The money is nearly gone. It makes me sick and anxious, and panicked, and crazy. How will we get by when the money is gone? I never planned for it to run out. I never thought it would, and now all those luxuries make me want to cry because I know I can never have my money back for them. it is gone. nearly gone.

What the Hell have we been thinking? There's a recession going on out there, and we have EVERYTHING. Our only child has enough toys to satisfy an entire daycare center.

Not to mention, my marriage has had its rocky times. I have always felt secure knowing that if things fell apart, I would at least have that money. When that money is gone, I will be financially dependent on a man. Something I swore to myself I would never be. Somewhere my life has gone terribly wrong. I was supposed to have a lucrative career by now. That was always the plan, but I have struck out at nearly every endeavor I have attempted.

I feel like I need to do something fast, and in this economy, photography is not going to cut it.

We have been careless with our money in a time where people just can't afford to be careless with money, and that has a been a big mistake.

I am so deeply sorry for my irresponsible ways. I thought we had money. I was right about that. We HAD money, and there is no way to rewind and get it back.

Life lesson learned.