Bad Situation

Well, so much for "biding my time." I never have been good at waiting, but more importantly, I have never been good at keeping secrets, and this one was eating at me. I mean I decided I definitely no longer want to be with my husband and he was being all nice to me and trying to hold me and cuddle with me. I didn't want him to. It was too hard knowing I was about to destroy this man's life. Take everything that means anything to him away from him. I broke down and started crying when he was trying to hold me when we went to bed, and he knows me well, so he started asking me what was wrong, and he jumped right to the answer. I believe these were his words:

"What's wrong?"
"You don't love me anymore?"
"What?"
"Do you want to get divorced? Is that it?"

Well, I'm a terrible liar, so what could I say? He hit the nail on the head.

He was upset to say the least. Not surprised, but upset. He cried, begged, pleaded, and worked himself up into a complete frenzy. It was really inconvenient that I had already taken my bedtime medication which is a mix of pills strong enough to knock out a person twice my size, so while he just had this divorce thing sprung on him, I couldn't manage to be anything but calm, out of it, and falling asleep. Though he did manage to keep me awake for most of the night.

He started going on about killing himself. He had nothing to live for. He kept telling me to promise to take good care of his boy. We've been through this before. He used to head outside with a handgun, and I would wait, not knowing whether I would hear a gunshot and discover my husband's dead body with his brains splattered on the ground, or whether he would eventually come back in. Most of the time I would take back whatever made him say he was going to kill himself, apologize, and beg him not to do it. This time was different though. I was in a drugged up, half asleep daze when I saw a pill bottle in his hand. Before I could do anything, he gulped down the entire contents. A month supply of Methadone. For those of you who don't know, Methadone is a opiate prescribed to heroin addicts. Yes, he is a recovering heroin addict. He was just getting clean when I started seeing him. Technically, it wasn't heroin exactly. It was oxycontin, which is pretty much synthetic heroin when you slam it like he did. When i first started seeing him, he had such bad track marks that he wouldn't go anywhere without a long-sleeved shirt.

Anyway, back to the story. As soon as I saw him take an entire bottle of Methadone I freaked out and told him I was calling 911. That's when I realized my phone was gone, along with my computer, and the landline phone. I begged him to tell me where they were, but he wouldn't.

He started getting high and weird. He got really calm and matter of fact about the fact that he was about to die. He told me he was doing it for me. Since he would have nothing left to live for if I left, he said it would be better for me if he died so I could have everything. He said he was going to OD and die because he loved me so much that he wanted it to be as easy for me as possible, and this way I wouldn't need a lawyer, we wouldn't need to fight about it or get divorced, and I would have everything.

I kept asking him where my phone was, but he wasn't telling. I started telling him how important it was for his son to have a father. he kept telling me to take good care of our son, and make sure he knew that his daddy loved him. All the while, time was ticking away until he would be dead. I kept searching for where he might have hidden my phone, but had no luck. He kept on about how he loved me so much that he was sacrificing himself for me.

Then he got sick and threw up the pills.

Well, then he was going to shoot himself. He was pleading and pleading for one more chance, and I kept trying to say no, I'm done, but I wasn't ready for him to kill himself. So I caved. I told him i would give him another chance. I lied. I can't give him another chance. I'm dying to escape.

So I'm back to where I was. Lying to him, telling him that I love him and want to stay, until I figure out a plan to leave. I actually do think that he really will kill himself when I go. For real. That is part of what has kept me here for so long. But if he decides to kill himself, I can't hold myself responsible for that. The best thing I can do is make sure my boy and I are not around when it happens.