Reality is Setting in

For those of you who don't know, I'm out of town at my mom's house trying to find a place to live. I think I've found a 4 bedroom rental home that I like, and hopefully I'll be signing the lease today. This scares me. It brings the reality that I am really leaving into my mind. Once a house is rented, everything will be set in motion, and I won't be able to stop it. Not that I want to stop it. I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do. The only option left for me and my boy to live a happy life. My chance at freedom.

Yesterday I was high on the freedom. I was actually me again. I was excited. I could taste the freedom. I had fun talking to old friends that I haven't been allowed to talk to for years. I laughed and smiled more yesterday than I have in a long time.

However, at night reality set in, and I started thinking What the hell am I doing?! I know I'm doing the right thing. It has to be now. I can't do it any longer, but it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I'm sure I'll always question whether I did the right thing or not.

I survived the sudden death of my father when I was 18. that was the most emotionally taxing thing I ever went through until now. When that happened I thought I'd never get through it. That I would just die of heartache. So I feel if I got through that, and I'm still alive, I can get through this. At times it may feel like I'm going to die of heartache, but life goes on. It has to.

I'm not much in the mood for writing anymore, so...

To be continued. Maybe.

Update: I got approved for the house. I will be signing the lease today. Exciting and scary at the same time!

Thanks for reading.