Seroquel has some unpleasant side effects including increased appetite and weight gain, so I'm being extra careful about eating and exercising lately. I think there are other side effects as well, such as vivid dreams. I had a very vivid, disturbing, almost ironic dream last night.
I dreamed I was still dating my ex-boyfriend who died soon after we broke up in a driving accident. He had been drinking, yes, but the cause of the wreck was something breaking on his truck, causing it to veer off the road. He got married right after we broke up, and his new wife hated me, so I was not invited to any memorial services. I never got a chance to say goodbye to someone who I still cared very much about.
He was a very fun person. He always got people cracking up laughing anywhere he went. He was great with children, and had 2 boys of his own, who were very sweet boys. They stayed with him during the summer and I watched them sometimes while he was at work. He did hilarious impressions of spongebob, and many other cartoon characters. He was a talented welder and was able to find a good job when jobs were difficult to find. He was a family-oriented man.
He had some problems too though. He came from an alcoholic family, and was an alcoholic himself. He also was addicted to meth. I always had a strict policy that I would not date guys who did drugs (not counting marijuana) so he promised he would stay clean for me. He did not. He even borrowed hundreds of dollars from me which I later found out went to drugs. He had an anger problem, and though he never touched me, he put holes through the walls, and broke a mirror in my house. It was tragic to see such a good-hearted person with so many problems holding him back.
He took me on one of the best road trips I've ever been on, and I saw so many states I had never seen before and may not get a chance to see again. After summer was over, we took his boys back to their mother who lived in Indiana. On the way back, we detoured south to visit his sister in Memphis Tennessee. We had the greatest trip. I loved him very much. It still chokes me up to think about that trip, and how fun he was, and how much we laughed together. It is safe to say I miss him. But I've always felt I'm not allowed to. See, I was already pregnant and married when he died. I couldn't let my husband know that I still very much loved my ex boyfriend, and was heartbroken when he died. And like I said, I wasn't allowed to say my goodbyes like everyone else.
After we took his boys back to Indiana, he moved in with me. I had the nicer house, though it was just a rental. We had a tumultuous few months together. I was an alcoholic and very disturbed at the time. I had not yet been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He was a mean drunk, and one time we got drunk, got in a fight, and after he passed out, I held a gun to his head. I was very disturbed. Very disturbed. I put the gun away, drank myself into oblivion and passed out myself. In early January, we got in a fight, and I told him to move out. He grabbed his few possessions and left. I spent about a week begging him to come back, then one night I held a loaded gun to my own head. I had nothing. I had left college without a degree, I had no job, my relationship with a man I thought I would be with forever fell apart. I wanted to pull the trigger, but part of me still knew I was worth more than that. I put the gun down, called 911, and went to a psychiatric hospital where I stayed for 7 days.
The day after I got out, I started dating the man who is now my husband. He helped me get better. He is a recovering drug addict. He was a very bad drug addict. He was already clean when we got together, but there were times we still came across stashes of needles that we had to dispose of. I got pregnant right away, so I had to stop drinking, and I asked that he stop drinking as well. We got sober together, and kept him clean together.
But back to my dream. There was an irony to my dream. In this dream, I was still dating my ex-boyfriend, and we found out that a mutual female friend of ours had died (she is not dead in real life). He was very upset. I was consoling him, telling him not to dwell on it, life goes on, and you just have to accept what happened, remember her for the good friend she was, and go on living. Death is just a part of life and life goes on even around death.
The unconscious mind is a strange thing. I've been having some difficulties in my marriage recently, and just yesterday my husband admitted that when I was coming out of a seizure a few weeks ago (another story entirely) that he was upset because I didn't know who he was, I didn't know who my son was, but I was talking about guys on the internet, and asking for someone named Ryan. I don't talk to anyone that I know of on the internet named Ryan, but my dead ex-boyfriend was named Ryan. I can only assume that is who I was asking for. Obviously he has been on my mind without me knowing it. I never got my chance to say my goodbyes to him. So today I will say goodbye to him with this post.
Ryan, you used to be my best friend, you were the shoulder I cried on when everything was wrong with my life. You were a good man with good family values, and a good work ethic. You had some problems, but you did everything you could to take care of me, and I loved you. I loved your boys, and I hope they are well. I lost my dad when I was 18, I can't imagine losing him when I was as young as your boys were. You kept me laughing even at the lowest point in my life. You didn't judge me for being a very mentally ill alcoholic. You loved me despite my problems. I loved you despite your problems. I'm sorry things didn't work out between us, but it was for the best. Six years later, I still think of you, and miss you at times. I think you were 31 when you died. It was a tragedy, and I'm so sorry. I know you would feel awful that you're not around for your boys, but I'm sure they are doing well with their mother and stepfather.
Rest in peace Ryan. Those of us who truly knew you will remember you for the great person you really were. I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye to you until now. I'm so sorry, because I really did love you. I will always remember you, and though it may be unfair to my husband, you will always have a tiny piece of my heart. Goodbye Ryan.
I will conclude this memorial post with some pictures. Thank you all for reading.
Oh Ryan, you always were the life of the party :)
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