Difficult Questions

I've been wrestling with a question lately. Am I happily married? It seems I should know the answer, but I honestly don't know. I've been tossing it around in my fucked up head a lot recently. Being bipolar doesn't help. Sometimes I do feel I'm happily married, other times I feel like I'm just not the monogamous type.

I love my life here. I could never provide myself with this lifestyle. I live on the lake on a $1 million property. we have all the toys a person could want. Money is a bit of an issue, but isn't tight enough that we even have to really budget. My boy is happy. I have no doubt that my husband loves me almost more than is humanly possible. 

Life seems great, yet many times I feel like a caged bird, and I really identify with these song lyrics by Nelly Furtado:

"I'm Like A Bird"

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is 
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know 
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

Sometimes I think I know the answer, but it is easier not to admit it. I made the decisions that got me to this point in my life, now I need to take responsibility for where I've ended up. So I'm left with another question. What is better, starting over, or trying to fix what is broken? I don't know the answer, but I hope to someday.

Thanks for reading.