Psychiatry

Today, after waiting for 3 weeks, I FINALLY get to see my psychiatrist. I can't wait to get back on my meds. Usually I hate my meds and find some reason not to take them. I hear this is a common problem among Bipolar patients.

My most recent reason for rebellion against my meds? I decided psychiatric medication was a government conspiracy. How many people do you know on anti-depressants? They make people not care as much about things that bother them. Is that really healthy? I argued in my own little mind that it was a form of widespread and nationwide mind control. If people generally just don't give a damn, there will never be revolution of any kind. People won't have it in them to band together and fight against injustice. Instead, they will just take it as it comes.

I still think it's a somewhat valid argument, but I now believe that it is average people who shouldn't be downing happy pills like they are candy. I, on the other hand, have a valid psychiatric disorder which prevents my brain from manufacturing and utilizing neurotransmitters (chemicals) correctly. I get terribly, deeply depressed for absolutely no real life reason. Then I get manic for absolutely no reason. I used to like the mania. I always feel fantabulous when I'm manic, like anything is possible. The world is at my fingertips, but lately it's been wearing on me. I have been so manic that I have a ton of nervous energy, and I haven't been able to sleep. My judgment might be a little off too. And I spend money like I'm rich. I spent $500 from my computer the other day. Pretty much on a whim.

So basically, things have gotten out of control in my messed up little head. I think I have a really hard time with taking my psychiatrist's recommendations because I always like to act as my own doctor. I will diagnose myself with things, go to the doctor, and tell them how to treat me for it. Surprisingly, they usually listen. I am highly intelligent. I studied psychology in college. My favorite classes were Physiological Psychology, and Anatomy and Physiology, so I have a good working understanding of what happens inside the body and brain. I graduated with a 3.9 GPA. I was an excellent college student.

Today actually won't be much different I'm sure. I will go to the doctor, and I will tell her all of my meds that I need her to put me back on. A mood stabilizer to help control my ups and down. An anxiety med to ease this nervousness. An anti-depressant to ease the episodes of sobbing hysterically in bed all day for no reason. An anti-psychotic to help me calm down and sleep. And then, there's the ADD meds. I might not take them much anymore, but my hubby is ADHD and too stubborn to go to a doctor himself, and they help him. I know, I know. That's illegal, but see that's the part of me that thinks I know what I'm doing.

I was a very motivated student. I also went to x-ray tech school and did very well, but my life fell apart after a year of it, and I never finished. I had a dream though. A dream to revolutionize the field of psychiatry. There are fairly new imaging techniques to show activity in different areas of the brain. Based on this information, I think it would someday be possible to diagnose mental illness on concrete evidence from scans and tests rather than from the patient's description of symptoms. Basically, I wanted to create a new field of medicine termed "neuropsychiatry," combining the studies of neurology and psychiatry. After all, if the patient is mentally ill, how do you know for sure that their judgment of their own symptoms is not skewed? For example: I own the DSM-IV. The diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. I know the symptoms of many different psychiatric conditions, and could, if I wanted to, go in to the psychiatrist, recite a list of symptoms, and receive a new diagnosis. I try not to do that.

But pipe dreams are pipe dreams, and bipolar people are very susceptible to grandiose thinking. Revolutionizing modern medicine sounds fairly grandiose. I'll leave that study up to Dr. Daniel Amen, who shares my idea, though I disagree with his practices. He markets himself too much. He is in it for the money, and not the science.

When I am on medication, I miss my grandiose thinking. I miss some of the highs that come with the lows, but more importantly than anything, I need to be able to function properly for my own sake, and for the sake of my family. So, for that reason, I will take my medications, and I will try not to talk myself out of it.

Thanks for reading!