Game Over

It's over. I'm done. I've spent 5 1/2 years living my life for someone else. I'm not going to do it any more. I officially want a divorce. I've wanted to get divorced for at least a year, but I was too afraid to hurt him. But you know what? It's not the fifties anymore. I don't have to stay with him and let him condescend me every day of my life. The other day my 4 year old said "Mom, Dad is the boss of me and the boss of you." I told him that he wasn't the boss of me. You know what he said? "But Dad gets mad at you a lot." True. He has been the boss of me. I've been tiptoeing around him, trying not to upset him for 5 1/2 years. I can't do it anymore. Even if I wanted to, I can't

Part of me would like to ignore that he is controlling my life. There's something comfortable about a man you've been with for 5 1/2 years. Someone you've known since high school. The father of your child. The man that held your hand through labor and a c-section. The man who has held you and told you everything would be okay when you were scared. He smells like comfort, he feels like comfort, but somehow he's not comforting at all. When something is going wrong in my life, he makes everything worse. He always makes me feel worse. Like I'm stupid. Like everything is my fault. Like I shouldn't care so much about the things I care about. He's not a terrible husband, but he just doesn't understand me. And I don't understand him. We will never understand each other.

I've made up my mind. This time I am leaving for real. I don't need to have everything planned out. I don't have to know exactly what I will do, or how things will go. I just need to know that I can't stay here and be happy.

I know it's the right thing to do because as much as the thought of leaving and starting all over scares me, It also makes me feel excited and relieved. It will be hard. There's no doubt about that. It will most likely be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but once it's done and over with, I can get on with my life.

I was never done dreaming of the things I wanted to do in my life. I've always dreamed big. I never wanted to be just a housewife. That's just not me at all. I want to go back to school. I want to go to school to be an orthopedic physician's assistant. A step up from a nurse practitioner, and a step below a doctor. I loved x-rays. I went to radiography school for a year, but I loved orthopedics the most. As an orthopedic PA I would see patients, read x-rays, and assist an orthopedic surgeon in surgeries. I know I can do it. I've always wanted to. I aced Anatomy and Physiology class when most students struggled, and many dropped the class. I studied cadavers and learned every bone, every muscle, every artery and vein. I rocked at radiography. As a student, I worked as well as many of the techs after 1 year. I even taught them tips and tricks I figured out. They hated that. They hated me. I could do their job just as well, or better than them. I ran x-ray equipment in surgeries. I learned venipuncture, and patients loved me. I once had a woman thank me and give me a hug after I gave her a barium enema. Haha. What a crazy world. I'd love to be back in that crazy world. Medicine is my thing, and orthopedics is definitely my favorite. I've never been able to move to go to school because of my husband's job. We live in the middle of nowhere. And while it may seem like paradise, I'm dying to escape.

I haven't told him yet. You can't just spring a divorce on your husband of 5 1/2 years right before his birthday, or right before what is perhaps the biggest, most important work week of his career. And then my boy's birthday is on October 6th. I can't turn his world upside down right before his birthday. So for now I am biding my time, but I know, I am certain, that this life is not what I want. I dream of so much more. Finding a career well suited to me, and maybe even someday finding that man who makes my life feel whole. Someone who understands me, or at least tries. Someone who could make me feel better about things rather than worse. Of course before I do that, I'm going to have to remember who I am. I can't wait to be me again. I was a great, fun person. I want to be that person again, and the only way is to leave this life behind.

Everything will be okay. I'm not the first woman in history to leave my husband and take care of my 5 year old son by myself. Women do it all the time. But it takes strength, courage, and confidence. I can do it, and eventually it should make everyone's lives better. I can find what I'm looking for. My son won't grow up with fighting parents. My husband can find someone who is happy with this life, happy with him. Of course that is the best case scenario, but I'm finding I'm becoming a bit more optimistic every day.