Always a Journey

If there's one thing I can say about living with bipolar disorder, it's that every day is a journey.


Today I got up and purged all my bad thoughts by writing them right here in my previous post. Then I had a choice. I had to take a step, because life never stops (well, it does when you die, but I'm not going to discuss that here, you all know how that works). I could take a step backward, a negative step, or I could take a step forward, a positive step.


As difficult as it was to come from the depths of wallowing in self-loathing and take a step forward, I knew I had to do it.


I took a step.
Then I took another step.
Then another step.
Then I picked up the pace.
And I ran.
And ran.
I ran for my little boy.
I ran for my husband.
I ran for my marriage.
I ran for me,
I ran for myself.


And while I ran, I listened to Blink 182's Dude Ranch album.
It was my favorite CD, back when CD's were a thing.
It was my favorite in Junior High.
Before the drinking.
Before my parents got divorced.
Before my dad died.
Before so many failed attempts at college.
Before my failed first marriage.
Before my trip to the psychiatric hospital.
Before my accidental pregnancy.
Before my shotgun wedding.
And I remembered.
I remembered who I was before all of that.
And I remembered that I was a person worth fighting for.


A lot of lyrics spoke to me, but in particular these:

"You're gonna drown in the mess you make 
Your self-inflicted hate 
You turn your back on the friends you lose 
When they don't follow all your rules

But people are what they wanna be 
They're not lemmings to the sea 
Maybe it's time you looked at yourself 
And stop blaming life on someone else"



I'm going to be okay.
Because I'm not done fighting.
I will fight for my life for the rest of my days. It might be a struggle every single day I live, but it's worth the struggle. I'm worth the struggle. I've invested my whole life in my life. I know that's a strange way to put it, but seriously, I'm all I've got. Yes, I have a great family too, but when it comes down to it, I'm the only one in control of me. There's power in that. I have to get up ready to fight for my life, fight to make my life what I want it to be. No matter how screwed up things get, no one can take that away from me. I am in control of my life, and no mental illness is going to keep me down. I can do this. I can straighten it all out. 


I ran almost 4 miles. Then I lifted weights. And nothing has felt so good in a long time. I need to work out more often. It just might be the key to my sanity.


Thank you all for sticking with me through my horrifyingly depressed post this morning. Writing my thoughts and feelings here helps me in so many ways. I'm even beginning to see some trends in my feelings. Hopefully this blog will be a great tool to help me continue as happily as possible on this journey I am taking. This journey through life.