The Truth About Me

I am a defective human being. My son has been staying with his grandparents for nearly a week, and I now realize he is about the only reason I keep myself sane enough to live day-to-day. Without him I am lost. I am depressed.

I am codependent. I think that is actually the biggest reason I've always wanted to be married. I don't quite function as a complete adult by myself. I need someone to take care of me. It turns into this unhealthy relationship though, because I resent needing my husband. It is all massively unfair to him. He is a wonderful, successful person. He takes care of everything while I try to figure out my life. We have been married for over 5 years now. It seems like I should have my shit figured out by now. Sometimes I think the biggest reason I want to leave is because somewhere deep inside of me, I know he deserves better than this. It is Saturday. He is working. On top of working, he is trying to figure out the mess that is my life. He is also probably worrying that I'm getting close to that breaking point. That breaking point where I just can't handle it anymore, and off myself. If it weren't for my son, I'd consider it. I'd consider the fact that I'm just missing something vital to being a stable human. It isn't something you can buy. I will never be able to be the person I want to be.

I have these mood swings. The doctors call it Bipolar Disorder. I go from one day being happy, full of life, and silliness, to the next day so depressed I can barely get out of bed and function, to the next day where I am too anxious to step outside my house. I go from normal to either crippling anxiety, or crippling depression without warning. Medications annoy the fuck out of me too. Anti-anxiety meds are pretty much the opposite of anti-depressant meds. Add to all that the fact that I have ADD as well, and my medications are a very careful balancing act, which I really don't have much respect for. If I stayed on my meds, maybe I would be okay, but I hate having medication be in control of my life, and when I'm on all my medications like I should be, I have like 8 different prescriptions to take, most of them more than once a day. I think last year my medications cost somewhere around $7,000. My life is scheduled by medications. Lately the problem has been that I would like to have another child, so I have been trying to stop taking as many medications as I can, because they aren't the sort of thing you can take while pregnant and have a healthy baby. I'm starting to believe I'm going to have to give up that dream of another baby, so I can properly take care of the one I do have. Now I have been wanting to get back on my meds, but my psychiatrist is a complete airhead, and keeps rescheduling my appointment. My husband blames this on me though. He seems to think when she calls and says she'll be out of the office when I'm scheduled, and needs to reschedule me, that I should say no. I see where he's coming from. From his perspective, wow, i don't think I even want to start looking at this mess from his perspective. I know my brain is a complete disaster, and now in the past week, we've added seizures on top of everything else malfunctioning. So I can see how he thinks I need to be more proactive about my care. Maybe he's right. I don't even know. I do know that what I've been doing hasn't been working.

So back to my first point though. I have to find a way to make this messed up brain of mine work properly because my little boy loves me and depends on me to take care of him. It is difficult when I really can't even take care of myself. My husband is feeling the strain of not only having to work a ridiculously involved job, but also having to take care of me and our little boy, because I can't seem to make it work. He has his flaws, yes, but I can't really hold anything against him when he is single-handedly taking care of our family. I love my husband, and couldn't imagine living a day without him in my life.