He loves me. He wants me to stay. He would have nothing if I left.
He says I don't love him. Maybe I don't. Maybe I do. I have loved him dearly at times, but I have spent countless hours, days crying, sobbing, bawling, because he can be so mean, cruel... to me. I have mourned the loss of my freedom. I have given up the idea, the hope that I could get out of this mindfuck. Now here's my chance, and I honestly will probably not take it.
He tells me I'm the problem. I don't even know, that may be true. I have no idea anymore how I even feel about the whole situation anymore. I've tried to leave once before.
Is that how emotional abuse works? I was sure that the problem is his anger and cruelty. I have been far more hurt by this man than by anyone else in my entire life. Destroyed nearly every day. Yet he has convinced me that the problem lies within me, and that I'm the one who needs to be nicer, more thoughtful of his feelings. He says I only look out for myself, only think of myself. I need to think about him too.
I don't know if that is true. It could be. Or it could be that he crushes my soul until I don't know up from down, right from wrong, and then once I'm at this vulnerable point where absolutely nothing in the world makes sense anymore, he tells me it's me. He convinces me that it's me causing the problems, and I don't know what to do because I'm so lost that I don't know what is going on anymore.
He's the only person I have. I have nowhere else to go. I have no friends, no close family. No one. And he knows it. When I want to go he tells me he's the only person who loves me. He tells me I'm not easy to love, and no one else is likely to ever love me. And I believe him.
Yet, I feel it is inevitable that somehow, someday I will have to leave. We don't get along. It is not working. So why not leave now while I still have a bit of money? It would be the smart thing to do. Yet, when it comes down to love and relationships, the smart thing doesn't matter. Nothing that you THINK about matters. It truly comes down to feelings.
I'm so lost that I don't know how I feel. I don't know that I would ever be any happier if I left. I might be, but I can't tell the future, and a divorce is no fun to go through. And it is stressful, and I don't handle stress well, and I have no one to support me through that stress.
I should be packing, but instead I will stay and go back to sleep. I will feel peaceful and excited that I could leave. I will dream of all the places I could go, things I could do, and other people I could fall in love with who would love me back in a way that would make me feel secure.
But these are all dreams for a perfect world, and this is not a perfect world. So I will stay. Because I don't know what else to do. Because I'm not ready to give up on this yet.
I will stay as I dream of leaving.
I am going to say something that is so easy for me to say.
ReplyDeleteLeave. If you have the means to do so, then do it. It will be tough, probably a little miserable. But I think you need to escape that situation to be able to heal yourself.
Because honestly, and I know you know this, but he is part of the problem. In a relationship it is never one persons fault.
He is at fault too.
And you know what? You may not be easy to love, but you are an awesome person. And hell, maybe you aren't easy to love for him. But you will be easy to love for someone.
My wife is stubborn, bitchy, sometimes demanding and high maintenance (although she won't admit it). She is hard to love. At least to her ex. To me she is the easiest person in the world to love.
Leave for you. Leave for your son. Leave because that is probably the road to a healthy life.
I just want you to know that I think you are an awesome person, and you have my support!
That is exactly how emotional abuse works.
ReplyDeleteAnd as the previous poster said for him you may not be easy to love. But you aren't the only problem. It takes two after all. I went through relationships where he told me I deserved my rape, and he hoped it happened again. No one else would love me. I finally had to leave, had to, for me. It finally got to where I was ok with be alone forever; rather than stay with him. But there is someone out there someone who will find it as easy to love you as it is to breathe.
This is a personal decision I know, I hope you find your voice and strength. We are here for you, through the stress, the ups and the downs, you have people rooting for you. Just because you are that kick ass.
Stay safe.
I imagine that this post was immensly difficult for you to write, while these comments are so easy for us who are removed from the situation. But nonetheless...
ReplyDeleteLove isn't easy. Nothing worthwhile is. But love, real love, isn't saying you're difficult to love; it isn't saying it is your fault; it isn't saying what I feel means more than you. Real love is willing and working for the good of another person. Yea, work. Hard work and putting someone else before you. It sounds to me like he isn't doing that for you. Sometimes that means letting people go. Sometimes that means being strong enough to say I am better than this. I deserve more than this. Our child deserves to see what real love is like.
You have more people to support you than you realize; you need only ask. Leaving might be the hardest thing you ever do, but it might also be the best thing you ever do. It will destroy 90% of who you are, but in the end the 10% that remains will build you into better, stronger, wiser and happier version of you. A version you can't imagine could exist at this point.
Regardless of whether you leave or stay, I want you to tell youself this everyday:
I am strong. I am brave. I am worth EVERYTHING.
xoxo
@verbvixen
You don't know me from Adam, but I've been where you are now. My relationship was three years of threats (suicide and otherwise), chipping away at my self esteem, alienating everyone I knew, telling me how no one would ever love me again, how awful I was, how I made him do things because I was such a crappy girlfriend.
ReplyDeletePlease, please, please consider leaving while you can. It's emotional abuse now, but it will become physical. For three years, I put up with being slammed into walls, punched, kicked, and choked til I passed out because I "did something wrong". After we broke up, he stalked me for more than a year. I couldn't go places alone. I eventually had to get a restraining order against him and he still ended up being arrested twice for violating it before I ended up moving.
My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to leave; it took me a year and he ended up taking off for a few days while I changed the locks. It sucks for a while because no matter how bad it was, it was still your life, there were still good times, and you'll still wonder if it was the right choice. It is and it gets better.
Thank you for your support. I have left him, and he now has a baby with his new girlfriend. It was rough on me, but i have gotten to he point of really knowing that he's not the one for me, that there is so kuch better out there.
DeleteI am going through this right now, only it is starting to get better. I have almost the same things written in my own journal.
ReplyDeleteFor 12 years I have felt this way, and there is a tremendous shame that comes with knowing that I have chosen... for many reasons... to stay despite feeling like this.
Recently I've ben reading a book: It's called: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, by Beverly Engel. I highly recommend it. If you have ever had any doubt about whether or not what you are experiencing is Emotional Abuse, then this book makes it pretty clear, AND it gives strategies to stop it.
I am still undecided about whether to leave or not. We are currently in the stage where he has admitted to a lot of what he has done, and is trying to change. But I have been miserable for a long time, and am not sure if we can ever build a happy relationship based on such a past. Few people know this about me.
Best,
@Mortimusgerbil
I very much appreciate all of your comments. I want to say that there are always 2 sides to every story. This is my side. I am far from perfect in this relationship myself.
ReplyDelete